Ep 464 - Finding The Growth & Blessings In Major Life Transitions with Andreea Tamas

Ian Hawkins 0:02

Are you ready, ready to release internal pain to find confidence, clarity and direction for your future, to live a life of meaning, fulfillment and contribution to trust your intuition again, but something's been holding you back, you've come to the right place. Welcome. I'm a Ian Hawkins, the host and founder of The Grief Code podcast. Together, let's heal your unresolved or unknown grief by unlocking your grief code. As you tune into each episode, you will receive insight into your own grief, how to eliminate it and what to do next. Before we start by one request, if any new insights or awareness land with you during this episode, please send me an email at info at the Ian Hawkins coaching.com. And let me know what you found. I know the power of this word, I love to hear the impact these conversations have. Okay, let's get into it. This is a really broad chat with Andrea Thomas. The main thing we're talking about was was a transformational moment when she had a near death experience. But more recently, she's she's had to experience the passing of her partner and she was courageous enough to share parts of that journey and got quite emotional. But she was she spoke to me after which is really thankful to be able to share that experience and beneficial to her and she definitely knows it'll be beneficial to anyone listening who's experienced that level of loss. Yeah, if you have had someone close to your past, then this will be pretty raw. But when you hear stories like this from other people, and you hear how what they went through and how they experienced it, you realize you're not alone. And that, yeah, that whatever you went through, however you experienced it, there's no right or wrong. Just there's so much value in hearing other people go who've gone through similar stuff. So a lot of wisdom in here, like you said, also a heap of emotion, you'll get a heap out of this. Enjoy this chat by everyone, and welcome to this week's guest, Andrea Thomas. How are ya, Andrea?

Unknown Speaker 2:34

I'm amazing. Thank you again for having me. And

Unknown Speaker 2:37

how are you doing?

Ian Hawkins 2:39

I'm doing well. Thank you. I'm glad to hear you're amazing. You're just telling me how you've been traveling all over the place. So I imagine you are amazing. That would be so cool. You're in Germany at the moment, but you've been a bit here and there all over Europe must have been fantastic.

Speaker 2 2:55

Yes. And not just Europe. But I would say around the world because I've been in Southeast Asia for approximately four months or so.

Ian Hawkins 3:07

Ah, yes. Because you're in Bali. And for the long term listeners of this podcast, have heard me talk about Bali before. Did you have any profound moments or shifts while you're in Bali?

Speaker 2 3:21

Oh, I've had some very big shifts while I was in Bali, because I went there right after Thailand after I spent like three months in Thailand where honestly, while I was in Thailand, I received so much from like the business side, the love side of friendships. I Thailand gave me a lot on that on that side. And then I went to Bali before I knew I'm coming to Europe. And I just had this very strong blanket that I have to go to Bali before Europe. And I've had some really profound shifts while I was there. Because I went to Uber wood and Uber. It's the name itself, it means healing. And I knew it before I went there that my sole purpose there is the healing side. And I've experienced I would say the biggest shift three days before I left when I did a soul massage.

Ian Hawkins 4:25

Interesting. I stayed at a board as well. And that was my memory of it. Like similar to you describe this those moments of change. I did not know that the actual The name was translated to healing. Well,

Speaker 2 4:40

that's yes. And I actually I found out about that. When I was doing a one day like healing healing retreat. That's when I found out because they were telling us a little bit of history and they're like an Uber means healing. I'm like ha okay, no wonder I'm here.

Ian Hawkins 4:58

Yeah. So a soul massage they've got some highly skilled what we call them practitioners doesn't really do it justice does it because they they're amazing. What does a soul massage

Speaker 2 5:12

in? Oh my god it's I would say I've done throughout my life to since I've started on this personal development healing journey I'd say that there's so many modalities like everything that came my way my path I would try it. But this soul massage it was the most profound and intense things I've have done throughout my whole life. And it's far from a massage as you as you hear the name it's like Soul massage is like a very

Unknown Speaker 5:43

tricky name. And

Speaker 2 5:46

what happens your you get there and it was Balinese healer. And she she's asking you what, what has brought you here? Like, why are you here today? And for me the process the moment she she asked me the processes has already started because I was like I was already started crying. And I was like, you know, it's the pain and the grief. I just don't want to hold on to that anymore. And she looks at me and she's like, yes, but you're not here only to release your grief. But you're here to release your your family and your ancestors, grief and pain else like oh my god. So then she literally sent me on a on a massage

Speaker 3 6:33

table. I was like fully naked and she covered me with

Speaker 2 6:37

a sarong. And I was sitting with my face down and then she would tell me, for example, release the pain of your partner. And then she would press with her hand or with her elbow on certain points on my back. And then I will just release it and that release. It would happen in different ways. I would cry, I would scream I would shake. So it happened on all levels. He was so intense. It lasted I think two and a half hours. And by the end of those two and a half hours, I had a vein like broken on my eye because of how much I screamed and

Ian Hawkins 7:23

yelled Yeah, wow. Amazing and sounds quite similar to my experience in Bali as well. There was one moment where I was like dry reaching from like cleansing whatever was going on, and a lot of mine was grief as well. And I can definitely relate to the shaking in the sobbing and yeah, and it's hard to describe to someone who hasn't been through it. I mean, I'm sure our experiences were very different even though they sound similar, but it's hard to explain to anyone. I guess the best way to explain it is the how you feel afterwards so so what was the feeling afterwards?

Speaker 2 8:08

Oh my god, I think I felt like 100 100 kilograms lighter. I was feeling so so good even though my eyes are like pub like

Speaker 4 8:19

this and I can barely see because my pride

Speaker 2 8:25

Yeah, but it was an amazing feeling. And the healer afterwards she told me Andrea, you have been to hell and you came back. Wow. Yes, that's how that's how deep it was. And I knew I went very very deep. Because even when he was at the point of releasing trauma from my grandpa I told her that he had alcohol problems and that he has been in in war and when he was drinking he was transformed like he was a total different person. So when we did the releasing for my grandpa she told me release the possess the possession that your your grandma or your grandpa had because he was possessed after the war and oh my god when that came when I screamed I think I was afraid of my screaming really because it was really like a possessed person.

Ian Hawkins 9:29

Yeah

Speaker 2 9:31

wow and it was nothing that those are not things that you make up you know you just you you just go with it and it was it was insane.

Ian Hawkins 9:42

Yeah and again hard to explain like I've had people question question me if they give you hallucinogens or something like that. Well, I don't remember a being given any but I saw things that again hard to describe but but the Feeling that you talked about afterwards, despite the quite intense nature of it the other side, it's like, you're lighter? Did you actually lose weight physically lose weight as well through that time?

: 10:12

No, no, I did not lose weight. What I would say what I felt it was, I haven't felt as much pain in my body. Because throughout this period of time, of grief, of sorrow, and so on, every single time when I would have a massage, my whole body was hurting, like very, very bad. And especially in Thailand, I got a lot of massage, it's like, a couple of weeks, I would say, but still, every single day, every single time it would hurt really bad. And that was a shift. I have noticed after that, that my body doesn't really hurt

Ian Hawkins: 10:50

as it used to. Oh, wow, that's amazing. Very cool. They you mentioned that the screaming, and it kind of made me think about, like my wife going through childbirth. And I'm sure that's a very healing experience in itself. But the sound is like, she described it as like being outside of her body. And it was like someone else was was screaming. You had a near death experience, back in 2015. Was Was there any because I've heard people talk about near death experiences where they feel like they're outside of their body as well. And they're like, they're almost witnessing it. Is that what yours was like that sort of stereotypical near death experience or something completely different?

Unknown Speaker: 11:38

I wish I would have had that.

: 11:42

But I think not. My My experience was that I meant in Las Vegas. With my previous partner, we went to a music festival. And I took

: 11:56

a substance, that's all I'm gonna say, I took a substance of for the festival to have more fun,

: 12:03

and was something that I wasn't accustomed or I wasn't regularly doing. So I didn't know at that time that I have an allergy reaction. Oh, was that substance. So I ended up having a seizure. And, and being in the hospital for two days, and being in a coma for two days. But I don't remember, like, everything was like blackout. From the moment I started, like getting a seizure. I don't remember like, getting into the ambulance, being in the hospital. Those are all like blackout moments for me. And I didn't I don't remember having like an outside body experience. But that's when my not in that moment. But a year or so after that's when my transformation started happening with pursuing of, why am I here? Like, what is my purpose here on earth. Because the first year after it happened, I was a lot in like guilt and shame and fear. Because of that, and because I was like, Oh, that happened because of a substance. So I didn't really share with my family, or my friends. So I was living in a lot of like high being and guilt and, and all those like lower vibrations. And then I was also very mad on myself and on the medical system because I didn't have insurance in United States, which it means I had 1000s and 1000s of dollars to pay medical bills.

Ian Hawkins: 13:48

Oh, wow. Yeah. So you didn't remember any of it. But when you came to, like, I know what that feeling like when you come out of an anesthesia or something like that. And then slowly you sort of the haze starts to lift. Was it something like that? Or did you just wake straight up? I mean, I imagine there would have been some confusion about why you were there. It was

: 14:17

it was a big confusion. I have no idea. Like where am I? What happened? It was. It was very, very weird and very hard. I had my partner at the moment. He was next to me in the hospital. He wouldn't like leave me for any second. And I remember in those moments, I'm like, wow, I really wish right now I would have my family next to me.

Ian Hawkins: 14:44

Hmm, interesting. Have you made sense? I mean, I know we all want to have our family but like, do you have you made sense of why there was such a strong, strong urge for that?

: 14:57

I think because of the fact that I was feeling my And I was so fragile and in in in a moment where I feel like life is so short. And I can like, I want it to be taken care of and have the the dearest people next to me.

Ian Hawkins: 15:23

I'm curious where there's a link here, you you have been living in the US. But that's not where your family's from. So was it? Would that have contributed to it like you didn't have your family there sort of on a regular basis. So when you're going through those really tough times, that's that's the first thing you think of?

: 15:41

Yes, that's That's exactly it. Because then that was another time it was it was still very fresh after I moved to United States. So I moved to United States 2014. And the Near Death Experience started, it was 2015. So it was a year after. And I would say the first years after I moved to United States, I was constantly questioning like, oh, is this really the best decision? Can I really do this? Can I really be so far away from my friends from my family? And I even dealt with a little bit of depression at the beginning, because I was questioning so much, and it was so hard. And I was like, Why Why? Why did I

Unknown Speaker: 16:25

do this move? Like, is it really?

: 16:27

Is it really the best decision? But then what what kept me going was that I would tell myself, you know, I can always go back. But I had this like very strong feeling that I have to be there. I have to be there. I didn't know why. But I had this strong feeling that I have to be there. Who

Ian Hawkins: 16:47

can we go back to that? Because something I talk about a lot is that intuitive nudge to do something. And sometimes we act and other times we don't? And quite often we don't we then regret it. So you grew up? In which part of the world were you? And what was that call that you needed to go somewhere else and why

: 17:11

so so I was in Romania, I grew up in Romania, I spent my whole life there until I was 24. And then the first time I was even in touch that I can go to United States was my second year of university, where out of the Southern randomly one of my colleagues from university, she's like, I'm going to United States this summer. And he was like, like this for me like instant. I'm like, you're going if that's possible for us to move to United States. Why there is this program called Working travel, you go you register, you

Unknown Speaker: 17:51

pay a bunch of money, go and work

: 17:54

in the United States. I'm like, wow, I want to do that. And I swear that instantly the same day, or the second day, I went to the agency that you went to, and I'm like, I'm registering, I didn't have money, I had no idea how I'm gonna make it where I'm gonna go, it was super late. But I'm like, I'm going I have to go. And then I figured out to my mum gave me some money, then I had some money saved. And somehow I made it work. But that's not all of it from the beginning. From the that first summer when I decided to go, I encountered a lot of challenges, too, which right now I'm looking at them as tests. Because in United States, I've had my most transformative and the hardest year some of the hardest years in my life. So from the beginning, when I decided to go, I had this experience with the job that ended up being human trafficking. Oh, wow. So then I was there and I have to make a choice. Am I still gonna go and pursue going waiting for another job? Or am I gonna put it on the side because I almost went to human trafficking, and I'm not going to go and lose all the money and my dreams and hopes. And I decided to go because again, it was so strong. I'm like, I know it's dangerous. I know. I almost went to human trafficking, but I have to go.

Ian Hawkins: 19:28

Cool. So so when you say working for a business that was doing human trafficking, or you actually being trafficked?

: 19:36

Yeah. So it was, so the way it works. We go like you go to an agency, and that agency finds you a job in United States. And then those jobs they are they are verified they are verified by some sponsors in United States then by the embassy. And for me when I arrived at the embassy, I was already with my luggage because he was super In the summer, I was getting ready with my luggage I

: 20:03

like I'm just gonna get the visa fly straight to us.

: 20:08

And when I arrived at the embassy, the embassy like started asking me a bunch of questions about the job itself and the agency. And then I realized something is wrong, that something is not right. And they ended up telling me towards the end of the interview at the embassy, that you know, this is human trafficking. And that's the reason why we cannot give you the visa for this job. But bring us another job within the states. And then you can go, and I was like, Oh, my God. So I was saved by the fact that people did their job and they verified. You know, the jobs within United States.

Ian Hawkins: 20:52

Scary. Did that. When you found that out? Did that, like didn't have a big impact of that's like, that's how close you came to something like that?

: 21:01

Yeah, of course, I was. I was so afraid. And I was terrified. And I was like, Can I even like trust to go like, to a job in United States? Am I really gonna go where the agencies telling me that I'm going? Is this even like, safe? Of course, I was like, I was afraid. But then again, it was this very strong feeling that I still have to go. Like, I want to try that. This is also showing me that I'm also taking care of, yeah, the fact that it was found out and then I didn't ended up being there. It's also showing me that I'm taking care of yes, there is a risk and there is danger, but there is also danger in everything we do.

Ian Hawkins: 21:46

Yes. So I'm intrigued by the lore of the United States was it because growing up in Romania that that was seen as a an amazing place. And with what we learned growing up out of the US is like some land of opportunity and all these different things. Was it like this almost like mystical place that you'd seen it on the television? And you thought I want to get involved in that?

: 22:15

Yeah, so it's, it was a few different things. The first, of course, he was like, Oh, my God, American dream. I remember when I landed, I landed in New York, and I'm like, wow, I could not believe it, you know, it seemed almost impossible to go from Romania from a communism country, to United States. So that that was like one of the first things then another thing that attracted me to go to United States is because I felt in Europe at that time, that I am labeled in a certain way by being from Romania. And I knew I didn't really want it to stay in Romania. And I could have very easily chosen to go anywhere in Europe, that would have been very easy for me. But I always felt that I would be label by being Romanian, and that I'm not going to have the same chances and opportunities as, as everyone else. And after experience from the first summer United States. I was. So like mind blown by how people how open they were, and how actually, they loved my accent. And they love that I was like, from this country somewhere in the world.

Ian Hawkins: 23:37

Yeah. Wow. So most of your fears were just not right at all. So you settle in pretty quickly into the US.

: 23:50

Yes, but I did it before I moved to the United States. I went with that program from the first summer which is called Working travel. I did it four times, right? Before I decided to make the move, and like go and like stay there and not just do it for the summer, which was a total different experience. Because when you only go for the summer, it's like you know, it has an end. And it's like, Fine, you work you you have fun, but then you go back. And what I noticed while I was doing that, that it's always this feeling like while I was in the United States, I'm like, Oh my God, this summer is almost over. I cannot wait to go back to my friends to the university. And like relax because I always worked a lot when I was in the States. And then when I was back in Romania, I was like, oh my god, I really miss United States.

Ian Hawkins: 24:47

Yeah.

: 24:49

And the people there so it was always like this play and the fact that you weren't anywhere, you know, like you were in between these two worlds. That's. So that's that was one of the things when I decided that okay, I know I want to at least give it a try to be in the States for longer than just one summer.

Ian Hawkins: 25:13

Yeah. Awesome. So if we just go back to that near death experience, like, the days and weeks after that, like, was it confusion? Was it like, when you're feeling really down? Like you mentioned, guilt and shame, and all of those sorts of things, but in those early times, what was it like?

: 25:36

Yeah, it was a lot of fear. Because the doctors also told me, I mean, told my partner because they don't remember talking with any of the doctors told my partner that we don't know when, and if she's going to have another seizure, because once you have the seizure in your life, it can always be triggered like much easier again, so we don't know when and if she's going to have the seizure again, and then she has to be very careful moving forward to drink like a lot of electrolytes, no alcohol, of course, no substances, and so on. So I was living in this, this fear that Oh, my God, why when is it going to happen again. And then it was also I'm not gonna be able to live a normal life anymore. And not just that, but because the seizure is something that happens at the head with in your brain. I had like terrible headaches for at least one year afterwards, that I couldn't manage with anything, I couldn't manage with any pills with nothing, it was just this terrible headaches. And then other symptoms I've had is that during the night, I would like shake a lot in my sleep. Like, you know, when you're when you have a dream, and you feel like you're gonna fall, like, I had a lot of those type of things. And then I had some certain sensations. That was very, very hard for me to explain. And those were the sensations that were feeling more like out of the body. And it was this, this feeling of, like, I was starting, like, feeling very thirsty, I was very dehydrated. And then I would almost feel like I'm outside of my body and like, look at myself in those sensations, and I would freak out. Yeah. And I would tell my partner, like, just be next to me hold my hand, because I was so afraid of them. And I had them very regularly at the beginning, after after the seizure.

Ian Hawkins: 28:05

So I can understand the fear, right? Because you got all this stuff going on. It's not normal. Do you do you look back at that time now and look at it a different way?

: 28:19

Ah, so we the sensations. What I noticed throughout this all these years that now they happen very rarely. And it's mainly happening if I'm like, very stressed, if I don't take care of myself. And I'm not afraid of them anymore. I have learned to to tell myself in those moments that I'm safe and I'm, I'm okay. So I'm not afraid when it happens. But when I look back at that time, I feel like I I was I was terrified. Yeah. And I'm I just I didn't know how to deal with it. And I didn't have the skills. I didn't have tools. I didn't have people I didn't have like anything around me because I was not in the personal world. I wasn't working with anyone. I wasn't working with a therapist. I wasn't. I was just trying to cope with it on my own.

Ian Hawkins: 29:24

Yeah. Wow. Now, I know from other people who have been through something like that, where they've had to face their own mortality, even when you lose someone yourself that that passes away, which I know you've had an experience with that, which we'll get to as well. That's when you start questioning, like where you're at in life and where you're heading. So was that a big thing for you where you started just to like you mentioned before start the question, well, what, what do I want from my life? Do you remember a moment? Or was it something that just suddenly drifted in?

: 30:05

Yeah, so I don't remember exactly the defining moment that helped me change my my perspective. Because that's, that's what it is, I was able to change my perspective, from being in this like very low vibration and living in fear and guilt and shame, to start looking at that situation that, Oh, my God, I'm actually I was given a second chance to live. And instead of looking at it as, Wow, I have to pay all these medical bills, I almost died and looking at all the bad things, I started looking from the other perspective and be like, Wow, money can make if you're alive money or nothing. But like, my life cannot be bought with any amount of money. And I was, I was given a second chance to live. So that's when I started looking at it like, wow, that means there might be a purpose for me here, there might be a reason why I was given a second chance to live. And that's when I started on my quest of searching what that is and why I was given a second chance.

Ian Hawkins: 31:22

Hmm, that's the other thing I've heard from people who have had that near death experience is that that's the impact that has for them, like, initially, I don't know if he experiences it's almost survival guilt. And then it's because other people don't make it right. And then it's like, okay, well, I've got a second chance. So what did that lead you to? Because when you start asking questions like that, invariably you start seeing that the guy I interviewed last. For the last one now might have been not last week, the week before. He said, when you start looking for red cars, you start finding red cars, right? Your brain starts finding when you start looking for things. So what started showing up for you? Yes, so

: 32:05

that's when I started getting into like the personal development world. And it all started with with reading a book because I had like no idea. And I don't remember how I came across that book, honestly, was Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki, no idea how I came across that book. But I started reading that book. And from there, I was just led to the next step and the next step. And I would just, like follow the nuggets, I would allow myself to be guided. And even though I was terrified, because I started like investing money in courses. And I was like, terrified. I'm like, wow, to pay that. But I remember that I do pay a few $100 for a course why that's insane. But I just followed the nudges. And I remember I heard at the beginning of my my journey, that someone said that clarity comes with action. So I would constantly like just take the action, take the action, take the next step. And when I would feel like block when I will feel stuck, when I will feel like oh my god, I just feel like I cannot move forward anymore. And that happened at the beginning. It happened throughout my whole journey. But I remember the beginning was like a defining moment. I remember going on YouTube and just searching mindset videos, because that's all I knew. Like, I think it's something with my mind and my thoughts. I don't know exactly what, yeah. So I just went and did research, like mindset videos, and that's where an ad came in. And now I'm like, so grateful for ads, you know, and for these people that made the ads because that ad and for me following that ad it truly like changed the trajectory of my life because I discovered Mindvalley back in 2017 and they are like a big catalyst for my transformation. And you know, I just shared with you that I just went to my Valley University for three weeks. So cool.

Ian Hawkins: 34:23

Yeah, well I imagine that that moment recently going there must have been given you so much joy because you discover a big part of your change through this institution. And then like I mean, I think back to when I started learning from guys like Jim Rohn and Les Brown and thinking, I'd love to meet them one day well, Jim Rose are with us anymore, but Les Brown is I'd love to meet him one day and say like, Thank you, like, like your messages were so big. So am I It's been a another profound moment for you to actually get to spend some time there.

: 35:04

Yes, it was so transformative to be there, and especially for three weeks. And not just that, but I also got the opportunity to speak on stage. And like sharing my message on stage at Mindvalley. I remember years ago, like, visualizing myself and imagining myself being on stage at Mindvalley. Wow. And they couldn't believe that was happening. And it was such a healing process for me to get on stage there because I shared my story. And I share my story with my partner. And like, the moment I found out, like, a week before my talk, the moment I found out that I'm gonna go and be on stage, like, my process has started. And it was a very, very emotional process, knowing I'm gonna be on stage and I'm gonna share my message.

Ian Hawkins: 36:00

So good. How did you start moving past the fear and the and the shame and the other negative feelings after that near death experience? What were some of the pivotal moments or learnings for you that helped you move through?

: 36:21

Yeah, so I started looking at the opposite spectrum of it. And that's what really helped me, because I was just focusing on oh my god, I took that substance, oh, my God, I cannot share with my friends, I cannot tell my, my family. And I was just like, so ashamed about the whole situation. But then I started looking at it from the opposite perspective and be like, okay, like, things happen in life. Like, we all make mistakes. We all go through things. And then I started looking at what are actually the, the gifts and the blessings out of that. And the biggest thing, it was the fact that I was alive. And then I started asking myself, What would my friends and family would prefer? For me, like not to be alive and just, you know, be gone? And because I've done a we stay? Or would they actually be also grateful? Because I'm still here?

Ian Hawkins: 37:29

Absolutely. And it's amazing. We go through these moments, and we think about all the negatives, and then something clicks, and then we start seeing the gift. So that gift, when does it go from? Okay, well, I'm on the right track. Now. When does it go from that gift to? Actually, I want to help other people with this too.

: 37:59

Yeah, it took me years. It took me years because so it was 2015 I had my near death experience, then like a year after 2016. I'm like, oh my god, I'm actually blessed for being alive. And I started my my search for what is my purpose, and I remember being obsessed about it, like literally obsessed. And I think when you are also so obsessed, you don't really see clearly.

Ian Hawkins: 38:31

Yep.

: 38:35

And the from 2016 It was all the way in probably 2019. When I discovered coaching, where I know it's, it's my part for now. I always say that our purpose is is changing based on on who we are and what's going on in our life. I don't believe it's just this one big thing that you have for the rest of your life. But I know my purpose right now, it's still coaching. And when I discovered I knew that's it. So it took me a lot of inner work. A lot of introspection, a lot of healing. And I would also say a lot of forgiveness, a lot of self forgiveness. Yeah, it's good for me to be able to even get to the point that wow, now I want to and I can help others.

Ian Hawkins: 39:36

Forgiveness was such a big thing for me. And so forgiveness as you said, a big part of me was actually forgiveness of other people in my life who I assigned blame to for different things and I was having negative thoughts about was that something for you as well around like different, like family members and so on.

: 40:00

100% I remember doing all these different exercises and letters and, you know, for for my family members for my parents for my brothers. And it was so hard. But I also remember that the hardest thing, it was when I when I did a mirror exercise that I was doing self forgiveness. I would say that was the hardest thing then anyone else in my family or in my life?

Ian Hawkins: 40:33

Yeah, well. Now 2019 you start getting into that coaching space? We probably met around that time, I think maybe sometime around then. But then you've had a, a different life defining event, which was about what happened to someone else really close to you. But anyone who's been through it like, it's, it's a, it's a huge one, right? So your partner started to get sick. When was that?

: 41:12

That was in 2021. He started having symptoms around me. He started having some symptoms.

Ian Hawkins: 41:21

Yeah. And at that point, are you thinking? Not not too much of it? Like, we just think, you know, we'll just deal with it. And,

: 41:28

yeah, we really thought it so kidney stones, because he recently had like, like, two years or so before he had issues with kidney stones. And he had a surgery and we thought, oh, it's like another kidney stone. So he was going to his urologist and the urologist couldn't really find anything. But he still gave him a

Unknown Speaker: 41:49

treatment for kidney stones.

Ian Hawkins: 41:51

Right? And then, was it as like a slow decline? Or was he just sort of dealing with it and then got sick quickly.

: 42:03

So in May, he started having the symptoms, and then he was starting feeling worse and worse and worse. So we proceed with doing more investigations on why is he not getting better with his kidney stone treatment. And after that, after we have done several tests in July 22, is when we actually found out that he had stage four cancer. And like, I would say, especially after we have found out the the diagnosis, like his decline was like this, like very, very fast, like, within one or two weeks, we were already like started going to the hospital all the time because of his symptoms and pain. So the decline was very fast.

Ian Hawkins: 43:00

Did the treatment change, then? Or you think just the diagnosis and itself had a really negative impact on him?

: 43:05

Yeah, I would say the diagnosis in itself had a very big impact on on him.

Ian Hawkins: 43:12

And how are you coping through all of that?

: 43:16

I mean, the first reaction is shocking denial. When you find out something like that, and after that, I decided to pause my business. Because as I as I shared with you previously, our purpose changes based on on what's going on in our life. And I felt that in that moment, my purpose was not to serve my clients to be in my business, but my purpose was to be next to him, because he was the one that needed me the most. So it was, it was the hardest time in my life. It was like a nightmare. I couldn't believe that we go through something like that. And I was trying to control everything.

Ian Hawkins: 44:14

There's that moment of like, It's surreal, right? Where you're like, Is this even real? Like, like, this happens to other people doesn't happen. Happened to me, like so. So you're, you're you're in a country away from your family. I know. We spoke briefly in and around that time. But who did you lean on in that time when, when you were, I imagine would have been hugely isolating.

: 44:44

Yeah, so we have very good friends, which they showed up for us in ways that I cannot even describe and I know I know for sure that they are My soul family. Yeah. Because I would say sometimes not even the family shows up the way they have showed up for us. And it was so healing in to, to experience that. And to have that in our life because it all it has also helped me heal my wounds around community. Because when when my mom left when I was 14, I didn't have anyone around me. So I felt that I'm always alone. And I always have to figure it out alone and go through things alone. And at that time with my partner, I was shown the opposite. And I was shown that you're not alone anymore. And even though you don't have your, your family next to you, you're still loved and, and supported and cared for,

Ian Hawkins: 45:55

or goose bumps all through that. That's something that I haven't spoken a lot about. But I have heard that described by people who fall. It's such a spiritual experience when you go through tragedy, because often, that's exactly what happens. People show up, I can remember one of my best mates in the world, he, he had a really bad head injury while we were playing football. And when we went to see him, he's like, his head was like, swollen. And it's like, if if it had been through him getting in a fight, or if he'd been beaten up or something, I think it would have been even more traumatic for us. But given that we knew it was football, and we kind of had reasons for it. It wasn't as bad. But he said, despite the fact that he was in a lot of pain and going through, he just had like head surgery. He said it was actually Yes, such a positive spiritual situation, because he just had this outpouring of love to him that from people that he just wasn't expecting. And it was similar to what you described there. So I really thank you for, for sharing that. Because I think it's a sometimes people can block that off, and even through their darkest times, almost feel guilty about having good feelings at that time. Was it was any was any of that for you?

: 47:24

Yeah. So first, both of us, we really had to learn to ask and receive for help. That was a huge thing. And then I always tell people that throughout those times, I've experienced the the hardest and the most beautiful moments to my life. Because it's so true, like the depth of both are so, so profound. And I wasn't really feeling guilty for feeling the the joy of it. Because I was already in this world of like, I have already like I've had so many tools and so much awareness. And I also knew the moment when we found out the diagnosis that one of the reasons why I have learned about all these things previously all these years and why I have done all these healings. It was because it also prepared me for for that moment.

Ian Hawkins: 48:32

Now, being prepared for someone who is terminal is one thing, but then when the actual moment comes, nothing can prepare you for that.

: 48:43

Yes, yes, it's been prepared how I will say the way I have able to show up in those moments.

Ian Hawkins: 48:56

So So then, after nine months of being unwell, your partner actually passed away. Are you okay to talk about that? I know it's not that long ago.

: 49:08

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have talked several times and I have shared with, with friends, family, people, I would say from the beginning, it's not something I had held back and I have done it especially the beginning through a lot of a lot of tears. But I think it's very healing every single time when I share and then it's very healing for those that are listening. So I believe this is not my my story to to help but it's a story to share.

Ian Hawkins: 49:47

Yeah. Goosebumps again from that because it absolutely does because when people can relate to the story and what you've been through, and I think part of it is when we go through these things, we think that we've done it wrong, or that maybe that shouldn't have done this, I should have done this differently. But from my experience people's go through it like yes, different but similar in so many ways. So the actual like, day, like, what were you already in hospital was at home? Like? How did it all unfold?

: 50:21

Yeah. So the way he it has happened is that we were already spending, we spent like a month in the in the hospital, because he wasn't feeling well, and he couldn't cope with the pain of it, have his symptoms. And we have made a decision two weeks. I mean, he has made the decision two weeks before he transitioned where he told me that he's ready to go. And that he cannot, he cannot fight anymore. Yeah. And that even until that point, he has done it because of me mainly, but he was tired. Because especially like his mind was strong, but his body couldn't do it anymore. And I remember until that point, until he told me that he's ready to go. I was constantly like, fighting and searching. And I was already like having another treatment on the way. And I found a doctor in Los Angeles. And my goal was like, okay, we can like, get you out of the hospital. And we're gonna go to Los Angeles and do the treatment there. And I was like, keep fighting and keep searching. Like, for me hope was something that kept me going until the moment that he told me he's ready to go. And when when he told me that, I would say from that moment until he transitioned. I think I was crying like

: 52:06

24/7. Yeah, it was just like, I couldn't stop crying. And I was sleeping on the couch. Next to him, the hospital, I literally like lived there with him in the hospital. And he was telling me, I want you to hold my hand. Like, just just be next to me and hold my hand because he was afraid. He was afraid of the moment. So I would sleep next to him all day holding his hand. And even when I would take a shower, I would put my phone to see him to make sure he's still breathing.

: 52:51

And the day that it happened. I remember it was the first day that I took my laptop because I wasn't working. I wasn't doing anything. But it was the first day I took my laptop. And I was sitting not next to him but on a chair next to the bed. And I was helping a friend with something. And I remember I was like looking at the laptop and looking at him looking at the laptop and looking at him. And when I looked at him once I saw him taking like three big breaths in. And they didn't realize in that moment that those were his last breaths. And two minutes after I think the nurse came in, and she's like, Should we turn him around? Because he doesn't seem very comfortable. And I was like, oh, yeah, sure. And that moment, when I went next to him, I realized he wasn't breathing anymore.

: 53:54

And I was so mad in that moment. Because that was like I didn't hold his hand. I know now and understood that he couldn't have gotten if I would have hold it his hand.

Ian Hawkins: 54:13

He had to let go. Yeah. Oh, wow. But that wouldn't have been how you felt at the time they wouldn't

: 54:20

know at that moment. I was so mad on myself because I'm like he asked me he told me to hold his hand. But I know I know now that what matter for him is that I was there I was in the room and he felt my presence.

Ian Hawkins: 54:39

Yeah. And, and well, you know from the coaching that you do that. It's the presence which is the most important thing. It's the you're always connected, even if it's not physically

did that bring on more route

: 55:02

100% in that in that moment I was, I couldn't go past that they couldn't go past the fact that they didn't hold his hand like, and you know, I think our mind is just trying to pick on something on hang on something to even cope with the situation. Because after it happened, everything felt so surreal like I was, I couldn't really comprehend like my mind and everything couldn't really comprehend that that really happened.

Ian Hawkins: 55:39

I think it's a word you mentioned before, it's control, like by by giving it a story, we try and grab some control to something that we can't possibly control.

Unknown Speaker: 55:51

Exactly.

Ian Hawkins: 55:55

So how did you? You said that like later, you realize that well, no, I needed? Like, if he wouldn't have gone if I was holding his hand? How did you come to that realization? Was that going through an experience similar to weeks that you explained before, like with a facilitator? Or was that something you came to yourself in your own way?

: 56:19

Yeah, so what I did afterwards, I was already seeing a therapist. So I was talking to my therapist, then I was also seeing an energy healer. Then I did some sessions with my energy healer. And then I realized that it took me a few days, but afterwards, I realized that there is no no point on leaving in that way on thinking that oh, my God, I'm gonna live in guilt for from now on, because I didn't hold his hand because I have done everything, everything that was humanly and out humanly possible for me to be there every step of the way with him as I promised him when we found out. And that was, that was the way that he was able to also let go, because a few days before he told me that it's so hard to let go.

Ian Hawkins: 57:24

Yeah, I bet I can't even imagine. I'm also drawn to, he would have known you very well. And if you're going to be doing anything at that time, well, of course, it's helping someone else. Right. Exactly. And I imagine that whether he was conscious of that or not, that would have meant the world to him as well. Yes. So is there a part of you that? Like, is there a legacy you want to leave leave for him? Or like, Yeah, is there like, is there a cause or a passion now? After this,

: 58:15

yes. And first, at the beginning, I told myself that all his pain and the fact that he, he went so early on from us, he was only 40 years old. That is not going to be in vain. And I told myself that my transformation is gonna be part of his legacy. And then all the people I'm going to touch along the way, by sharing the story by transforming other people's life, it's going to be part of his legacy. And it's part of why I started a podcast, it's part of why I've changed my business to sacred transitions is part of why now I help people through the biggest transitions, the biggest challenges in their life. And is part of why now I'm building an academy where other coaches and healers are gonna be trained to help people specifically during those challenging transitions. It's all part of his legacy.

Ian Hawkins: 59:38

Oh, wow. It goosebumps again. Like you talked about purpose before, like, that just feels so aligned for you because it's like, you've been through one of the most trying transitions yourself and always I always Well, I know that when we can help someone through something we've been through ourselves, well, then who better to be able to share that with than someone who's got real life experience? So yeah, that just feels like such a perfect fit for you, Andrea? Thank you. So when we talk about purpose, then and you mentioned at different times that it presents in different ways. And I know travel is presenting to you as travel is a big part of that at the moment, but what do you see is the next thing for you, in terms of your purpose journey?

: 1:00:45

Oh, I see myself speaking on stages, after I have shared my message at Mindvalley University on stage, I realized that I meant to share my message on stage. So that's part of it, and traveling the world and sharing my message. Everywhere I'm going,

Ian Hawkins: 1:01:13

and what's the main theme of your message?

: 1:01:19

The main theme, so the talk is about how to adapt to unexpected change. And what I really doing that targets like giving people hope, that no matter what hard times they go through, that miracles do exist. And even though that miracle is not gonna look, maybe how they expected is that the miracle of, of being alive the miracle of experiencing the hardship and coming out of it, the miracle of finding joy in the pain.

Ian Hawkins: 1:02:11

And that's one of the hardest things for people to face, right is to find that there can be any sort of joy through on the other side of that pain. Yes. Could you share something for the listeners, that they could take with them a strategy or a process or a tool, if they're stuck in that place, that they're stuck in their pain? And they're still struggling to grasp? The idea that they might be able to get some joy out of it?

: 1:02:41

Yeah, sure. So I would say first, it comes to know that you're making a choice. You make a choice on? Why do you want to experience in any given moment? On how do you want to show up on who you want to be? And then ask yourself, when you make that choice, is this choice? Good for me? Is it helping me? Is it healthy? Does it make me move forward in a way that I'm happy about? Because if not, you can choose in that very given moment to make a different choice. And to make a choice, as I have changed my perspective, from even with my near death experience from looking at it, from guilt, shame, pain, and all these things to seeing the blessings. That there there is also the flip side. And also to know that any single time when you go through pain, when you go through hard times there is this duality. Because there is always the duality of things. Yeah. So if there is ugliness, pain, then there is beauty and join us well, you just have to open your mind and open yourself and to give yourself the permission to see it to experience it, because it's already there.

Ian Hawkins: 1:04:17

It's a word that you used earlier to it's a shift in perspective. Yes. And no matter what transition you're going through what would change or dark moment it's that change in perspective that will bring about the joy and as you said, then it becomes a choice. It also like what you said there about the miracles right? That it part of the change of perspective is not trying to control how they show up but just being open to I'm happy calling it magic, the magic that will show up for you when you are open to receiving and you'll get solutions and you'll get opportunities and you'll get moment So you could never have imagined exactly the moment you'd let go of that control.

: 1:05:06

Yes, and focus on what it is in your control. And in your control is how you show up how you choose to react, what you choose to focus on. That's what it's in your control. So that's where your focus should be on on what is it in my control, and focus on that, and shifting that and everything else. Just allow it to unfold and trust that it is happening for you that it is happening for your growth and for your highest good.

Ian Hawkins: 1:05:44

So good. So Andrea, where can, Andrea, Andrea? Sorry, where can people find out more about your work with transitions, and especially the academy?

: 1:05:57

Yeah. So on, on Instagram, just find you. I am Andrea Thomas, I'm on Instagram. And just pop into my DMs and share Ian's name to make sure I know where you're coming from. And I will love to provide you with my with my free gift, which is three steps to activate your personal power. And they've put it in over there like the three main tools I have used during really that hard time that it helped me showed up as my best version in that moment.

Ian Hawkins: 1:06:41

Awesome. And you've got a fantastic podcast on there on your insert page as well. The great pleasure in honor of appearing on that a couple of weeks ago, I really enjoyed that chat. Andrea, thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story, particularly something that is, is still quite raw. And I appreciate you sharing that emotion as well, because it's really, as you as you rightly pointed out, they will the audience will will get something from that. Absolutely. And I definitely felt that no, no, they would have to say thank you so much. And thank you. Thank you again for having me. I appreciate it. You're welcome. Speak to you soon. I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Grief Code podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Please share it with a friend or family member that you know will benefit from hearing it too. If you are truly ready to heal your unresolved or unknown grief. Let's chat email yet. info at Ian Hawkins coaching.com You can also stay connected with me by joining the Grief Code community at Brooklyn's coaching.com forward slash The Grief Code and remember, so that I can help even more people to heal. Please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform