Ian Hawkins 0:02
Are you ready, ready to release internal pain to find confidence, clarity and direction for your future, to live a life of meaning, fulfillment and contribution to trust your intuition again, but something's been holding you back. You've come to the right place. Welcome. I'm a Ian Hawkins, the host and founder of The Grief Code podcast. Together, let's heal your unresolved or unknown grief by unlocking your grief code. As you tune into each episode, you will receive insight into your own grief, how to eliminate it and what to do next. Before we start by one request. If any new insights or awareness land with you during this episode, please send me an email at info at the and Hawkins coaching.com. And let me know what you found. I know the power of this work, I love to hear the impact these conversations have. Okay, let's get into it.
Welcome, everyone, and welcome to this week's guest, Deirdre show, Deirdre, how are you?
Deidre Shill 1:09
I'm fantastic. How are you?
Ian Hawkins 1:11
Going? Well, thank you. Now I asked this question before we jumped on, I should have waited because you yesterday give me some great insight, but I'll ask it again. Now. Tell me about your brand, my beautiful self and where that sprang from.
Deidre Shill 1:25
My beautiful self started when I was on a journey on my own journey with living with my brother, who hadn't spoken to me for around 10 years because of previous business stuff. Anyway, on his journey he was he was he were living in a house together. And I was the one who was cooking and cleaning and, you know, nurturing like, like being kind of like, you know, if I was his wife, you know, you know, doing all of this stuff. And when his children were them and my nephews and my niece, you know, doing the mothering role without being the mom, you know, the auntie, and I was going through my own really challenging time within myself as well, because I had only not I recently, on this journey with Steven, I had actually, I was pregnant, and I had already three grown sons, and my youngest son at the time was 20 years old. And here I was 43 years old, having my fourth child 20 years after my third child. And so I was managing and dealing with my own story and what was going on in my own life around my relationship that I had with with Carly my daughter's father. And Steven and I had not having spoken for 10 years, having really big conversations around the trauma that happens when you're living in a large family. I'm one of seven, there's five of us. And Stephen and I never actually spoke about the fact that we hadn't spoken for 10 years, but we had lots of really big conversations. And on that journey with him, I knew that I couldn't go back. So I'm an HR, operations, corporate background. And I knew that whilst I was working with Steven, there was no way I could be going through. It felt like, I don't know, it was like it was the heart one of the hardest times of my whole entire life and I could not be going through one of the hardest times of my whole entire life supporting my brother during his cancer journey. Being a mom again, 20 years after I was taught, I couldn't even have any more children and then accepting that and just just so much emotional stuff to unpack for myself. And then my brother was so angry, and all of his anger and everything that was coming up and being the sounding board for him. And and that's where I knew that I had a bigger purpose I had, there was something there that what I had been doing was not where I was going, there was something much, much more important for me to do.
Ian Hawkins 4:25
So even at that point you had that you had that awareness to know that
Deidre Shill 4:29
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just I just within myself, I just I just kept calling to the universe calling to God going to whoever you know, whatever that higher being that you want to call that higher being saying, I was going through the fires of hell like it was hard, hard work. It was it was my own relationship with myself. It was the relationship living with my brother and And the relationship with them with the rest of the family, the relationship with the partner that was extremely challenged because we weren't expecting to have a child, the relationship of us moving in with my brother whilst he was on his cancer journey, there was just so much and it was all so big. And it was like one of those sink or swim livestock life pivotal points, and I had to I had to get help, I had to get help, I could not navigate this by myself. And while I was getting help, I connected with a coach, and her name's Sally. And whilst I was working with Sally, while I was navigating this most challenging time of my life, I realized that that work that Sally was holding the space for me as I navigated this huge part of my life was more valuable. I couldn't have done, I couldn't have achieved what I achieved within myself within all of the relationships around me without the support of a coach, and I knew that and I knew I wanted to do that for someone else,
Ian Hawkins 6:15
or so good. And that that holding space piece. For the listeners, that's such a powerful piece, because having someone would like Deirdre or Sally, as you mentioned, to take part of the low, right?
Deidre Shill 6:31
Ian Hawkins 6:33
How do you feel? Yeah, it's so it's so
Deidre Shill 6:38
touching you, you know, not someone who can just go and dump, like you're dumping but they're teaching you tools they're giving you skills there? Yes. I don't even know the right word. You know, like we just took when we're when you're working with a coach, and you know, like, I was working with a coach that was supporting me on massive emotional challenges, and how to control my emotional response, how to learn to be in in in control of how I was turning up how I was showing up. And no one had ever taught me before. Yeah, how cool. Is that? Right? Oh, here I was 43 years old, not even knowing how to control my animations. But I figured if I didn't know how to do that, Surely there must be a lot of other people out there who are in the same boat.
Ian Hawkins 7:23
Yeah, like everyone.
Deidre Shill 7:26
Yeah. And once you learn how to do that, you just want to get to the mountaintops and yelled, you know, scream out to everyone. Hey, did you know let me share a massive state secret with you. You can control this stuff. You get to be the you get to be the person who's deciding how you act, respond and behave, not that emotional trigger that's just launched you into outer space.
Ian Hawkins 7:52
Yeah, well said. I can definitely relate to wanting to scream it from the mountaintop. And I don't know if you experienced this as well. But not everyone's ready to hear that scream, particularly people close to you. That can be quite challenging early days of the journey, right?
Deidre Shill 8:11
Yeah, it is. It is your, I think part of the like when you first my experience is when you first I call it like a dimmer switch, like the dimmer switch turns up, and you get to that point where you're like, Oh, my goodness, and I want to share it, I want to tell everyone, like you've got this really great tool, this really great skill and you want to share it with everyone. And then all of a sudden, you realize that no one else wants to understand. And it's that learning of that you know what you go through that uncomfortableness of I want to share it with everyone and why can't they understand how cool and how valuable this is? And then finding how to live in that space of waiting for them to be ready to hear.
Ian Hawkins 8:56
Yeah, I love that. And
Deidre Shill 8:59
Ian Hawkins 9:02
Well, I mean, it takes longer than a year but it took me years as well. So so we actually want to get to fast rewind even further back. Because we were we were talking before we came on about the big moment for you with the change everything. And while what you've talked about here is already I can tell is full of much grief. It was actually something else that was the big moment that sort of stopped you in the tracks. So can you tell us a bit about what that experience was and what was what was it like for you?
Deidre Shill 9:35the downturn was happening in: Ian Hawkins:
Wow. That's cool. So if we just go back to working through that, of all the different things that I've that you've mentioned already, why was that particular incident? The one that stands out, what was it about that that created that impact?Deidre Shill:
You're good, you're good at digging right?Ian Hawkins:
Before we came on.Deidre Shill:
So in 2011 I was married to a man named Tim, who's the father of my three sons. And I left him and pursued this job and this relationship with this guy named Peter. And I had basically that everything like that my whole life on this pursuit, so I broke my family. I caused a lot of pain. And, and then all of a sudden, you know, it's 2015. And my worlds crashed, you know, like this. I ruined my family for a life that was rejected from. And it felt that way. And so yeah, so I was just always really lost and I felt broken like I've never felt broken before. Sorry. Overwhelming at the time.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah, that's I know how important is for the listeners to know that. Just because we've done a heap of work to work through this doesn't mean they're still not things that we're continuing to work through. We're by no means perfect. I feel like sometimes, if anything, like those of us who choose this path have got more than most. And that's why we're so passionate about helping people because every time we look out there in the world, we see something that we've been through that we don't want anyone else to have to go through, right.Deidre Shill:
Yeah. And you know, so often I, I listened to my clients stories, and I can feel the resonance and that, that memory of my own sadness around this story, which great grace, thanks for the grace of God, we've already healed before our client gets in front of us, because that's just the way this process works. And sometimes, it might have only been the day before that you'll be able to free itself and then you've got someone in your space just to cement that work.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah. I love I love that you hold on to that. Because that it's still I still marvel at that. Whether it's something that we did 10 years ago or something the day literally the day before. Oh, wow, cool. I just learned this. I can't wait to pass that idea. That's part of the magic. Oh, so good. So what was the predominant emotion? Was it? Was it guilt? Or was it something stronger than that? Because you said you felt like you'd broken your family only to have what you broke it for? ending up being broken? Yeah. Well, you thought it was going to beDeidre Shill:
I failed. I failed to know. In my, in my stupor of desolation, I just felt like as though I had really gotten my life's way. You know, like, yeah, yeah, I just, I just, it was like, I backed the wrong horse kind of feeling at the time, you know, like, what the heck did I do? What, what's going on here? And I've, you know, like, because when we're in grief, it's not about making sense. It's just all those emotions rolling over us. And feeling all of you know, the guilt of leaving my sons and abet like, feeling that I had failed. I had failed, I abandoned my sons, I abandoned my marriage. I, I had ran away. And here I was, it was I suppose, like karma that I was, you know, that? It's sitting there feeling the same way as what I've made them feel.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah. I mean, I know everyone gets what they need from an experience, even if it's not what they think they want. So for you to make that decision to leave your marriage. You wouldn't have done that on a whim, right? It's not like you were leaving just because you were chasing something else. It was like that. These things all happened for a reason. Right? Yeah.Deidre Shill:
You know, even it was just one thing. It was, my, my son, Liam, his best friend had recently died. And I was standing in the church with Tim and my three sons and Liam's best mates, parents were standing in front of us and the dad was holding the mom and he was supporting her. And I was just standing there going, I will never get supported like that. You know, I wasn't with a man who had the ability within himself was I felt that I was the one who had to support him. And and that's how the relationship was. And it was like something kind of, I just felt in that moment. That I couldn't do it anymore. You know, like if I was to ever have to handle something this big I, I didn't, I wanted someone who was going to be there for me it was going to be my rock and I was tired of being the rock for someone else. And I met Peter, who by the way I'm currently with and we have an amazing relationship. It was, you know, we just go through the ebbs and flows of relationships. And thankfully, we've we've been through some big stuff, but we've worked it out. But he he was, on the day I met him, I was just like, wow, there was just something. There was something different. And my heart, it was outside of my control. I completely felt like because I had no I don't even know the word.Ian Hawkins:
Voluntary, right?Deidre Shill:
Yeah, yeah, I was just, and he, he hates me talking about it. He hates me saying, I felt like because I had this beam of energy that just shot out of my heart and connected to him. And I couldn't cut it. I couldn't break away from it. I felt as if I had no choice, I had to go.Ian Hawkins:
I love that. There's a couple of things I'd like to unpack a bit more. The first one is, and this you may have some thoughts on this. So I've worked with different people where either they've been cheated on or they've cheated. And not to say that's what was the case for you. But the fact of it is that it still takes two sides to it. People whether they decide to finish their marriage, or whether it happens in a maybe less than glamorous way. It's still because needs aren't being met. And my knowing is that no one's fault. That's just a product of a whole lot of different circumstances in each person's life. So does that resonate for you? It's like that the it doesn't actually matter, ultimately, whose perceived fault it is. There's there's a disconnect coming from more than one angle.Deidre Shill:
Yeah, I know. It's really easy. And it's really interesting, because you see these posts on Facebook going if your partner has cheated on you, do you think you could ever forgive him? That's the most bogus question anyone can ever pose? Because no one happening in the relationship?
Yeah, I could sit here and I could blame my son's dad that he wasn't a good husband, or he wasn't this or Oh, I was this or I was that. But it was the it's more than that. It's, it's, it's so many elements. And it's the relationship that you have together. And it's the connection. But it's also your own relationship with yourself. And if you are, if you are looking to fill needs within yourself on an always on the external, that it doesn't matter how fantastic your relationship is with your partner. If those need it, there's no way they can fill those needs. Because you can't even give them to yourself first. Yeah, then, then it's it's not their fault. And it's not your fault, because you don't know what you don't know. And they can't give you something they have no idea how to give you.Ian Hawkins:
Yes, spot on, which is why the first point whenever we've got different challenges in any relationship, whether it's an intimate relationship or otherwise, is what part can we bring to that? It's that what you described there? earlier? Self control?Deidre Shill:
Yeah, yeah. And you know, like we've having it, we have emotional responses, and we say yes to things and we do stuff. And then we wake up the next day, or we're 10 minutes late again, God, I don't know why I did that. I just can't believe it. Because we having an emotional response before the rational thought process has really had a chance to have a say. And if you get caught up in that emotional response, then you're gonna have no hope of reining it in and people can be leaving on emotional responses for a long time. patterns of behavior and stuff like that and feeling like though it's not their fault. And all of the staff that we get that we do to justify why we're doing what we do.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah, I know from my experience, and from the help that I've given people is that there's a comfort in that pattern of behavior. So it's become the new comfortable, so we almost resist everything that's going to take us out of that comfort. Even if that comfort is not really comfortable at all. It just it's like we've our brains tricked us right now. Yeah, well, youDeidre Shill:
know, look at an addict to gets needles and injects it between their toes. And, you know, in places that must be so painful, but they justify that because and they live with the pain because the pain, the pain that they're experiencing, is very short compared to the pleasure that they're going to receive. So we get addicted to patterns of behavior, our body is addicted to the, to that to the cortisol to the stress response. And, you know, like, if you've ever listened to Eckhart Tolle, he talks about the pain body and it's needing its fix. So we're all kind of just big addicts really. But it's not talked about like that, you know, and everyone's scoffs and looks down at an attic yet, if you're walking around an emotional pain and playing out of emotional patterns of pain and suffering and hurt, and anger, and shame and guilt, and all of the other stuff, you're just as addicted as the person who's needling upIan Hawkins:
100% And, or if in physical pain, because that's a reflection of the emotional stuff that you've disassociated with or just not wanting to face or suppressed or whatever else it is, for me, it was Russell Brand's book recovery, when he was talking about everyone's addicted to everyone's addicted to something. And then it was like a slap in the face of my addiction to anger. And I was like, wow, so it makes it look at addiction and the whole other way.Deidre Shill:
I haven't read that book, I'll have to get it and reader.Ian Hawkins:
A unique take. It's a unique take on the 12 step process. Let's just say,Deidre Shill:
oh, okay, cool. So I look at a different perspective. Yeah, I don't know. I think we're also quick to judge as a human being, we're all so quick to judge and point the finger. But the most important thing and the thing that that is resisted the most is to come back in and look at ourselves first. And understand that often we're living a life of non truths, like what you're saying before, I use the word non truth. Because we layer these angers and these these emotions over ourselves, and we walk around believing that's the truth of who we are. But when we actually do the work, and we start to clear those patterns of behavior and start to come back to the truth of who we are. That's when life becomes good. That's when life is, you know, I It's enjoyable. We're not having to worry about all that bloody drama.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah, yep. It is. That's another one of the addictions are addicted to the drama.Deidre Shill:
Yeah, and all the facets that it shows up in and the gossiping and the judging and then anger in the traffic and oh, you know, endless Drama Fest.Ian Hawkins:
Yep. And then just repeats. Yeah, the other thing I wanted to unpack around that, that, you know, your, your previous relationship. People, you know, it's been a bit of a buzz word or phrase recently, and people were having all these different SES around toxic masculinity. And it's like, I saw, I saw a image the other day, and it's like, it's not, it's not the masculinity that's toxic, it's the absence of it. And so we live in this system that has been so confused about who they are and what they should be and and then we come across these challenges in our relationship. And then what you describe then it's like, I think that's a familiar tale. You think about going back a couple of generations into into wartime, men went off to war, the woman had to step up and do men's work and women's work. And then these patterns just continue to roll out until we have something often like you said, something rather bright, shines a light on the fact that there's something's not quite right. So what have you learned about you and your being in that feminine from going through this experience and coming out the other side into a relationship that you love?Deidre Shill:
You don't do it alone, is to stop looking at my partner that it's all his fault. Because it's not. And if I had the wisdom then that I have now I would have never left. But what's done is done and I have there is no way like there's something within me that's gone. I don't care what's going on. You are not staying a victim. You are learning. That's it. You are learning. And yeah, I have a lot of sadness around the fact that I couldn't learn while I was living with Tim. But I couldn't. I wasn't obviously I wasn't able to and I needed to leave and I needed to find someone who's quite emotionally fit unpalatable often just to make me really step up. But what I've learned, what I've recognized within myself and in the patterns of behavior in my family is the women are strong. And but the the sledging of the men is wrong, there's just too much. I feel that we are not, we have these really high expectations of what men are supposed to do. And if they're not living up to those expectations, we blame them. I know, this is probably going to be controversial. But anyway, it's all their fault, but do not take any responsibility for our own selves in that space. And it's wrong. And I am sad that I was that I did that and that I that I contributed to that. But I'm grateful that I can, that I have been unpacking that for myself working with my own coaches going through that and untangling it. And, you know, this relationship that I'm in with Peter, it's we've been together for 1011 years, something like that. It has been 1000 times harder than the relationship I ever had with Tim. Because I have chosen in this relationship, and I've been able to, in the dynamic we have together to go and do the work to grow within myself, and come back into my own truth. And there's always more to go. But I believe that women as this society needs to come back into themselves, because what we're doing is we're, we're looking outside of ourselves and blaming each other all the time. And then we're having dysfunctional relationships and raising children in these dysfunctional toxic relationships. And then, unfortunately, there's all these suicides and boys seem to you know, my opinion with them. A lot of stuff like the International Women's Day, it's just, like, let's just give men a break.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah, and of course, we're both going to come from different angles. And having taken a similar journey with my own stuff. It's like, same with men, when in their relationship when they're like, you know, like sport football workplaces is rife with men complaining about their marriage and their children and their life. And it's like, well, what do you do about it?Deidre Shill:
Yeah, and that's all we're doing. We're all complaining to each other and not stepping up and taking action to heal it within ourselves.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah. And that's it, like men stepping into action and stepping into whatever it is they need to do to be secure with themselves to do whatever is required to be that support and be that rock, it's going to create a ripple effect for their for their partner, it's going to create a ripple effect for their children, like you said, because they're observing the same behaviors. And of course, it's going to ripple out to everything. So well, well, at times you look at it, you go, where do we go from here, just knowing how quickly can change when when we start just doing what we need to do ourselves first.Deidre Shill:
Yeah, and I love the way that you look at it from the perspective of the guy, if the guy goes in and just starts healing himself, then that's going to impact on the relationship with his wife or partner. Whereas I'm kind of like going, well, if women just go in and heal themselves, that's going to change the relationship with their husband or partner and you know, and then everyone around them. And it doesn't matter which perspective you're looking for. When human beings go in and heal themselves, it changes the relationships with everyone around them. But most of all, it brings you back into a really healthy relationship with yourself.Ian Hawkins:
Absolutely, and it's funny, like even the language. So, from my experience, men don't necessarily relate with the word healing. It's got connotations, or they feel what that may mean. I like to refer refer to it as much as possible as rehab. It's like they're injured. They've got an injury, the injury wasn't their fault. So let's do whatever is required. It's like physiotherapy for the mental, emotional and spiritual body, right? It's like, what do we need to adjust to strengthen the other side, and stand in our power instead of our strength and perform at our best?Deidre Shill:
cool like that I'm gonna, I'm gonna when I'm speaking with my sons and my partner and men in my life, I'll change that to rehab. Good tip. Thank you.Ian Hawkins:
It's only a recent one for me myself. So I And this is theDeidre Shill:
can you say that? And how's that sound cool emotional rehab?Ian Hawkins:
Well, I've got something coming out soon, actually, it's anger rehab, which I'm finding is extremely beneficial for men and women, but particularly for men, because we do tend to do an exceptional job of suppressing our anger. And that's part of the challenge. We're not allowed to be angry. So we don't. So we push it down. But actually, our wellness, our future, our relationships depend on us being able to have that emotional intelligence to process the anger.Deidre Shill:
Yeah, comes out in all yucky ways. Otherwise,Ian Hawkins:
yeah. Because for me, it was like coming home, coming home after work in the door. And that's what it is, when the heat is applied, that's when it would explode on the sporting field. And all those times where you don't want it to so yeah, so we got to get off track here. But all very, very powerful information for anyone who's listening. So if we get it back to you came out the other side of that redundancy, and all of that rejection and all the guilt and shame that you that you said that came with all of that. How did you start to rebuild? Like how did what was the first step to actually making change?Deidre Shill:
I had previously in my life had a big event, you know, because life's not Portsmouth sailing in 2003. And I had an ectopic pregnancy and I nearly died. And before I had surgery, I was going not like there's not like there's I don't want to die like this. And it was very touching go. Anyway, through the grace of God I lived. And when I came out of hospital, I spent three months praying, crying, asking forgiveness, and really doing a lot of inner self reflection. And that was the beginning of me on my self awareness journey. And the sort of personal was Who am I turning up as? So I did a lot of reading back then, you know, you wouldn't have the internet like we do now. We had libraries, and we had books. And so I did a lot of reading. And I started doing a lot of self awareness and, you know, just doing my own inner work. And then life got busy, and I got on with doing stuff and move life moved on that when I got to that point. When in 2011, when I went through separation with Tim, I was spiraling out of control, because one thing I haven't mentioned is I had unfortunately started drinking alcohol, watching my mom and thinking what this is the way we deal with stress in our life from eight years old. So I was drinking a lot of alcohol spiraling out of control. And I, you know, I drinking one or two bottles of alcohol every night and of wine. And I needed to go and get help. So I actually went and saw and another lady named Vicki and she did. I just can't think of the name of the sort of coaching but anyway, it was all around alcohol. But when I went and started working with her, she didn't ask me one question about alcohol. We didn't talk about how many drinks I have. We didn't do any of that stuff. And I'm like, What's going on here? You know, I thought we were dealing with alcohol. And she's going oh, yeah, well, we'll talk about that later. And we talked about my father and my siblings and what number I was in the family and my grandmother's and my grandfather's and all these family childhoods off and I'm like, What is what's going on? I didn't quite understand what was going on. So but in amongst all that, we I realized that the most important thing wasn't about the alcohol. It was about how I was dealing with everything because of all the triggers. So as I so what as I started working with Vicki, I worked with her for three months and I just kept working with coaches and getting support in in that time when I was pregnant with Carl in 2015. I actually wasn't working with Coach right at that time, but I had been working with coach so I stopped I'm previous to that. But because I went out to the mines doing 80 hours a week, it wasn't available to me. Yeah, literally. So I, but I had a lot of resources. So I started listening to all my resources again, and re reminding myself reminding myself of, you know, how I needed to think clearing, but I hadn't done I did tapping, I hadn't learned about tapping then I was journaling. I was doing yoga. I was going for big walks, and doing, you know, that doing that. And so, yeah, it wasn't until I was living with Stephen, in 2016, that I started working with a coach again. 17 sorry, 2017Ian Hawkins:
was that whole process? Exhausting? Yeah, IDeidre Shill:
look back at all that and go, I don't know how I did it. But I was, um, was a very, it was exhausting. It was exhausting. Because I was still learning how, like, really, I still have a lot that I was unpacking for myself, and coming back to myself and so many triggers. So many triggers going on. And there was relationship stuff and, and I and at the same time, I wanted to start my own business. Like, I was passionate that I wanted to do my own business, and I really wanted something for myself. So I just had crazy stuff going on in my head about wanting to find my own purpose. And whilst doing all this other stuff, and yeah, it was, I was very, I gave myself a hard time a lot. And then I would drink so that I give myself an even harder time. So it was all quite, it was all quite interesting.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah. So you've been through, like a just a roller coaster of different life events and challenges. What's the most important strategy that you've learned to get yourself back on track when you have those moments where you get a bit thrown off equilibrium?Deidre Shill:
I think, for me, tapping is something that is a really big go to responsive, and when I was feeling a little bit emotional before I and when I was talking, I did the tapping, because it really does. It is so powerful, have you done tapping, it is quite powerful. And it is really good at regulating that automatic response system that's going on that bring that cortisol down so that you're not going into that overwhelm or having those emotions be more powerful or be powerful. But you know, one of the big things that is really the area that I'm really laser focused on and where I'm working with myself and talking to my clients about his what we're saying to ourselves, like that constant narrative of, you know, would you really want to live with yourself, like when we talk to ourselves the way we do? So where you wouldn't hang out with yourself if you had a toy
nice, I like I kind of I quite enjoy spending time with myself. Now I give myself permission to actually love myself. But that's taken a lot of work. Which is crazy, because babies aren't born going. Don't look at me, I'm disgusting. You know, we're like, Hey, look at me, I'm just gorgeous. Feed me. So unfortunately, it's, it's that's one of our non truths that we think is our truth. And it's probably the most painful one. And Louise Hay has a book and she talks about doing mirror work. A lot of people, most nearly every client that I've ever worked with, when they come into the space and I work with them when I say can you look at you know, like one of the exercises, look at yourself in the mirror. And, and just like make that eye contact, we actually just at least is looking at yourself without even saying something. And that's not available to them. Because they're so out of they are so disconnected from themselves that they are not even able to look in their own eyes in the mirror and that I was like that too. You know, and I know how hard that is. And I feel so much sadness that we are walking through this life. Not even being able to look at ourselves in our own eyes.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah, So true. Is it as simple to say that we've used to be in spaces where we're not, we're not seen and we're not heard. So we just repeat those patterns with ourselves, right? We don't listen to ourselves, and we don't, we can't look at ourselves.Deidre Shill:
But if you believe that you're not that important anyway, and no one really wants to hear what you have to say, then why would you listen to yourself?Ian Hawkins:
Yeah, self self trust exercise. I wouldn't do that language. One of the phrases that really stuck with me was from Les Brown. And he said, language is a software of the mind. Languages, software of the mind. Yeah. So we can actually give it an upgrade software upgrade by changing the language by changing the stories that we tell ourselves. And I can't remember where this one's from, but it's like we 90% of our thoughts are the same thoughts from the previous day. Yeah, unless we make a conscious decision that we're going to look at the world in an open mind and be curious and be open to what you believed yesterday can be completely different the next day, like what you were talking about before, that allows you to then learn something and then pass it on to someone because you're always looking for that next thing. 1000s of different ways we have to work through our relationships. But that's because we get better at doing so doesn't mean that the relationships worse it means the relationships better, it just means we get much better at dealing with instead of stuck stuck in that repeating the nine 9%Deidre Shill:
Yeah, and I truly believe that until you really tune in and become really conscious. Joe Dispenza talks about this is becoming really really tuned in What are you saying to yourself, what is that pattern that you're playing out that you that you're stuck in I like you were like we are, we are in a program of we wake up on the same side of the bed, we get out, brush our teeth, make our coffee drive the same way to work. And we just repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat the conversations we're having hanging around with the same people doing the same things. And we wonder why we're getting the same results. When we zoom out and we start watching ourselves and go am I really saying that you know like to I really say that when we start listening and tuning in to those conversations and not not tuning in and listening so that you can give yourself a hard time and stop bashing yourself up. But being really curious about well, who I have a workshop that I host once a month, and it's called Who the heck am I? You know who the heck I am, am I who am I? Because we're so conditioned and so automated, and so programmed that we just play out this same old, same old same our day in and day out, that we often are not even connected with who we are and what we're saying how we're turning out. We're just we're just we're on autopilot. Yeah, so the only way we can change the narrative, the only way we can chat like to have the long term, you know, like not just white knuckling going, I'm gonna say this for now, I'm going to say this. But really listening to yourself on what you're saying, and how it's making you feel. Yes, you can start making a better choice, make, you know, like, and you've got to be laser focused. And keep bringing yourself into that awareness over and over and over again, all day long. And it takes energy and it takes work. But it's better than being in an unconscious program.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah, the important part of that is is like you were describing, it's like that it's taking the action. Yeah, conscious of it, but then actually acting on it. Otherwise, we look at a new habit, we get into a new habit, we can't make it stick until we break the habit again. And then we go back to that same place of complete self judgment and to speak into ourselves in a way that we wouldn't want to writeDeidre Shill:
a failed. Look at me. I'm such a loser. AreIan Hawkins:
you kidding me again? What do you do? Yeah. So I want to get some more of your wisdom if we can Deirdre so you. You start to realize that you want to help people. What were some of the steps you went to? Like you've mentioned having coaches? How did you choose a coach? Or did they fall in your lap or was it like the consciously something and then someone turned up?Deidre Shill:
Yeah, yeah. So hot actually would have been? Yeah, so I kind of go, I need help. I need help. I can't do this. by myself, and I literally tell the universe tell my angels my guides, I'm really mindful of not wanting to, like be that, um, that it's any particular thing because I don't want, I don't want people to not listen to me because I'm going God, but it's whatever resonates with our own soul. Whatever name we want to call something that's bigger than ourselves, even if it's your own, a magnificent self. But I ask for help. I got I need help. In whatever way sometimes it's just in sobbing tears, I need help. And it's like the right fit falls into your lap. I don't know. It's just you listen to someone or you hear something or this someone knocks on your door, like on the internet door or your inbox or something. And there's just that red, you resonate with that, that connection on a vibrational energy that you haven't felt before? If you had if I hadn't asked for help? I wouldn't have seen them.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. So for those who aren't necessarily spiritually minded, life will give you all the feedback that you need. And if you want the scientific explanation, you mentioned Dr. Joe Dispenza. Before, he talks about how we, we have the capacity to receive billions of bits per person per second, but we can only process in the 10s of 1000s. So if we give our brain a conscious awareness of what we want, even if it is screaming at the, at the sky, like I need help, well, then a part of your brain that that is the conscious awareness will start looking for the help and, and I love, like, like you said, Things fall in your lap. It's like you're sitting in a cafe and someone's talking about something, and you go, hang on, I recognize the word there and you start listening. And suddenly your whole world is just these moments of feels like magic. But whether you believe in it from a like a law of attraction, or you just bring it down to basic science, is that when you get when you have focus, well, then of course, you're going to find more of what you're focusing on.Deidre Shill:
Sorry, I just love that there's all this scientific evidence behind all this woowoo stuff nowadays. It's just like 30 Spencer, thank you, Peter Stapleton and all these research scientists who are proving that this is the real deal.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah, 100%. basic level is for the listeners is, what is that thing that you thought about? And you were thinking about, you might want to have a bit of that in your life. And I kept showing up. The classic example for me was when my wife was pregnant, was pregnant women everywhere. Well, I haven't seen one since, like, 15 years, where did they all go? I don't know. But they're there somewhere. And it's like the car, whether it's a car, you want to drive the shoes you want to wear? Like anything, like having that, that intention around what you want, why would you not? Why would you not to choose? There are certain things in your life that you want and go out and get them?Deidre Shill:
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, once you decide that something that you want, and you keep your thoughts on that, sometimes you don't even have to keep a conscious thought on it. It's just that subconscious desire, and there it is showing up in your life. So ya know, I'm really I'm really, really grateful to have worked with some really amazing coaches, and, you know, like a good coaches and a coach is going to pander to all your will, and tell you what an amazing job you're doing. And, you know, be you know, like, have kitten gloves on, a good coach is going to call you out for your BS and keep you moving towards that which you are wanting to achieve. And I've had really brilliant coaches that have, you know, kept me accountable, kept me moving forward when I've been coming up with all the victim mentality and excuses and stuff like that. That they have called me out on it, and, and, you know, pushed me to achieve stuff that I would never have been able to achieve if I tried to do this all by myself. I couldn't be where I am today without the support of amazing coaches.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah, I 100% agree. I often bring it back to sporting analogy. Roger Federer, the World Health was one of if not the greatest tennis player of all time, went alone without a coach for about eight months before he realized that he too needed a coach. So it doesn't matter where you're at, you're always going to get huge benefit for having that that external person to observe. Listen, in a loving way, but then call you on your bullshit, like you said, and give you strategies to move past it.Deidre Shill:
Yeah, you know, I love learning. I love challenging myself. I love pushing myself outside of my comfort zones, even though I would hands down, no problems, say at the same time, I hate change. So, but I really get the benefit of being uncomfortable now. And you wouldn't feel that nearly impossible to push yourself outside of the comfort zone when you're doing it by yourselfIan Hawkins:
it could be here all day, Deirdre, I've got so many different thoughts on where we go next. You started by talking about your, your brother and nursing him through his cancer journey. That was further down the track after you'd already been working with some coaches, and you'd already done some of that healing work and done some of the rehab and you're improving how you're feeling about the world. Did that make going through that process easier? Or more challenging? And what did you learn from from that experience? Having to go through itDeidre Shill:
all I remember standing I was pregnant with no I had had Carly was in September 2015. And we I had said to my brother that I'd move in and live with him. And it was two weeks before we were supposed to move in. And I remember standing in the lounge room and we're in an apartment, and it's going crying going, I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm not moving in with him. Because Stephen as much as he's my brother and stuff like that history was hard work. You know, like, we're all hard work. And I was scared. I had, you know, relationship, my eye and stuff going on. And then I'd committed to looking after my brother. And Peter said to me, you made a commitment. You're doing it, you're not backing out, and he wouldn't let me back out. I hated him for that at the time. But I know that if I hadn't already done some work for myself, if I hadn't already cleared stuff and got through had had put enough aside of my own stuff. I wouldn't have been available to go. It's just like the universe works in the most marvelously magnificent ways. Or life life if you want to use that. What, why after being a project or working on a project, you know, doing all this high pressure, you high responsibility 80 hour week doing all this study in HR doing all this stuff does, does it align that sorry, I know that sun shining in that, that my arm that I'm in a space and available to care for my brother when we hadn't spoken for 10 years, and to be there with him on his under the last 18 months of his life. And not to be working not to be working 80 hours a week not to be tied up in all this other stuff to have done enough work that I was available. You know, like I don't understand how it all plays out or why it works the way it is. I am I'm I have gratitude that is not be able to be expressed into words that I got to have that last 18 months with my brother before he passed on and we got to have the most amazing, powerful frustrating exasperating challenging conversations of my whole entire life with him and you know I just believe that it was meant to be like that was this is where I'm I had to go through everything that I had to go through to be where I am today. What have I chosen all that know? am grateful for it all. Yes.Ian Hawkins:
I know we talking about how great it is science to back everything up. But I want to go somewhere where that may be that the science doesn't necessarily fully back it up. But how does Stephens still talk to you now?Deidre Shill:
Really funny that you asked me.Ian Hawkins:
Well, I'll tell you why in a sec. Keep going.Deidre Shill:
Okay, so I'm laughing because I'm Um, before Stephen passed away, because, you know, like he was he was dying, we knew he was dying. He was in palliative care. And while he lived, he passed away at home. But we had the palette, you know, the blue nurses and everything coming over and stuff like that. And I said to him one day, I said, So Stephen, apparently, you know, if you believe in this stuff, when you die, you can still communicate with me, you can, you know, send me a spine like a butterfly or a feather or do something like really cool. And that I know that you're still here with me. And he looks at me and goes, Okay, he goes, what I'm going to do is I'm going to tickle you in your right nostril. Don't you dare, don't you dare, that's terrible. And he communicates with me by tickling me and my right all the time. And towards the end to the point sometimes, I'd be sitting there ever been. And you may have noticed that I actually even because I've been talking about him. But I just pressed on one nostril. And, but I'd be sitting there at times, you know, over the last five years, and it's more so at the beginning. And I'd be doing stuff. And Nixon, I'd be just like, oh, just leave me alone, because it was just constant tickle. until I'd be like, okay, all right. You got my attention when you just leave me alone. But now I just got Oh, hey, hey, going?Ian Hawkins:
Yeah, well, that's kind of what I thought like, Just then I was like, I just got this slow. Like, tapping. Like, oh, tapping. That's interesting. Like, there's like, what is that? Like? What is trying to get my attention? To sit just the need sort of my left nostril? Zigi. What are you doing to me? Now, yeah, yeah. Now for those listening that are that are hugely skeptical. Yeah. Cool. Like, that's, for me. That's the first step before curiosity. Like I was hugely skeptical of all this stuff. But there's part of me that just like, I couldn't get enough of it. At the same time, I was just like, so drawn in by that supernatural. And, and, as I'm sure I say, every time this comes up in one of my chats, like, I don't need science to explain what I've experienced. And I've asked so many different people like what, what what have you, like, have you had a sign that like, they're they're communicating with you? And like, everyone's gonna, not everyone wants to talk about it in an open forum, but but they're there. And why would you not want to believe that you're getting those messages, because it's just, it's just fills you with so much joy.Deidre Shill:
I you know, what I'm really, I really embrace it. Now, I just really go with it. And because I meditate, I set time. I didn't always do this. But I absolutely set time now, every day to meditate. I realize how important it is. I didn't realize for that one, like for a long time how important it was, but I do now. So now every day, you know, at the beginning of the meditation, or five or 10 minutes into it. My you know, you could say, oh, maybe you're just expecting it. So you see what happens. But it doesn't matter. I don't care, the whatever All I know is, I feel that Stephens presence is around me. And if he's out there in the spiritual world, and he can give me strength and guide me in ways that I can't do by myself, then I'm open to receive his support. And I appreciate it.Ian Hawkins:
Love that. And even if you believe in what, what you talked about, you're the most magnificent version of yourself. Well, then, if they're bringing forth some knowing around that relationship that you need to hear at that time. How's that any different? Just call it whatever you want, but it's significant. If you've bought it, it's significant.Deidre Shill:
Yeah, yeah. So good.Ian Hawkins:
So, Deirdre, I'd love for you to share some more about the work that you do now, and what you might have coming up and where people can find you.Deidre Shill:
Yeah, absolutely. So I predominantly work with women. That's, that's what I connect with the most. Because I am you know, openly talking about that a rollercoaster ride around the emotions and that self relationship. And I work with all age women I have from a 17 year old, young sports girl through to a women who are in their 60s that I work with, and I work online. I have an office here in MCI and I have I have two different programs. I've got one that's got a 28 day reset program. And that's a A program where we do tapping and hypnotherapy, rapid transformational therapy. And it's very, very structured, very structured program, it's 28 days, where we get where we I teach you, and we do tapping, and you learn about tapping and how to use it as a tool in your life journaling, how to do self hypnosis to shift you through. So it's all about reducing anxiety or clearing anxiety, you know, like addictions and things that you go, I just want to deal with this one thing, like there's one nugget of gold, if I could just clear that one out of the way, then do that my life will be peachy. And then I do what's called a me first six month coaching program. And that program is not a structured program at all, what we're dealing with is what's going on. So if you're, if you're 50 years old, and you've been living with yourself for 50 years, then we've got 50 years of work that we're working through a 50 years of beliefs, because we start forming beliefs about ourselves and who we are in life, putting labels on ourselves, and becoming and coming up with patterns and all that sort of stuff. That's not really true about us, we come up with conclusions and decisions that say that we're not good enough that we're not important that we're useless. No one loves me loves not available to me, all of those things. So we're always working on what's coming up for you today. To clear out that pattern that's attached to the past, and the reason why we work on what's happening today. So you can be working with me this week, and then you come in next week, and you have had a major event happening in your life that's caused you to fall apart. And there's no point working on whatever the next step is, if we need to deal with what's whatever's whatever has occurred between now and then. So we're always just dealing with what's going on right now, you know, like, and that was invaluable for me. When I was going through that journey with Steven, I just needed to be able to turn up and go and fall apart on what was happening today. So that we could clear that trigger that was being triggered for me in my life, you know, around that presenting situation. By I work with my clients, they either come work with me on my six month coaching package, it's up to them, whether they work weekly or fortnightly, they have access to me 24/7 We there's a lot of support around the coaching, there's a lot of tapping, and there's a lot of coaching processes to move through and get really good clarity and understanding on what's going on for them on the in on that inner relationship with themselves. So they can really, really do and unpack what's going on for them in processes that I've come up with for myself, for me to really understand my own inner self. And like they're really powerful and really love them. And we've got a whiteboard in the room. And we do, there's lots of lots of work that we're doing in the room, and then there's lots of work that they're doing outside of the space as well. And I love that program. It's one of my favorite. I have a women's circle here in Mackay. I do workshops online. However I have. I am only just bringing the online workshops back in later this year because I had a break from them.Ian Hawkins:
Awesome. And where's the best place for people to find you DeirdreDeidre Shill:
on Facebook is where I hang out the most. I have a website also www.my Beautiful self.com.au. I'm currently writing a book. So there will be a book out later this year. And yeah, just just on that all that social media stuff.Ian Hawkins:
Awesome. Well, that was fantastic. I really enjoyed that is amazing how many synergies we had there going through that andDeidre Shill:
conversation. Thank you so much.Ian Hawkins:
You're welcome. Thank you for coming. I appreciate you appreciate all the wisdom and an open sharing that you did today. Thank you so much, Deirdre.Deidre Shill:
It was my pleasure. I really, I really enjoyed. I really enjoyed the sharing in the conversation I think it's in, I believe and one of the reasons why I have the one massive reason why I created launched the women's circle which I haven't required. It's a free event that I hosted Mackay here in Queensland is to share stories. It's all about sharing stories and the more we can be as vulnerable as we can and share stories, the more we can connect and people can see that they're not alone that you know, like, like we're not alone. We the hard times i that I've lived through and the sadnesses and stuff like that. The more I can share them, then someone can go Oh, at least I'm not alone and in my pain. because we all want to be understoodIan Hawkins:
100% and many people out there feeling exactly that not understood. So yeah, thank you for showing me a lot of that. Awesome. Thanks again. See you all later.
I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Grief Code podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Please share it with a friend or family member that you know would benefit from hearing it too. If you are truly ready to heal your unresolved or unknown grief, let's chat. Email me at info at Ian Hawkins coaching.com You can also stay connected with me by joining the Grief Code community at Ian Hawkins coaching.com forward slash The Grief Code and remember, so that I can help even more people to heal. Please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform.