Ian Hawkins 0:02
Are you ready, ready to release internal pain to find confidence, clarity and direction for your future, to live a life of meaning, fulfillment and contribution to trust your intuition again, but something's been holding you back, you've come to the right place. Welcome. I'm a Ian Hawkins, the host and founder of The Grief Code podcast. Together, let's heal your unresolved or unknown grief by unlocking your grief code. As you tune into each episode, you will receive insight into your own grief, how to eliminate it and what to do next. Before we start by one request, if any new insights or awareness land with you during this episode, please send me an email at info at the and Hawkins coaching.com. And let me know what you found. I know the power of this work, I love to hear the impact these conversations have. Okay, let's get into it.
I have an extremely vivid memory of playing football. Well, rugby league, what we call football here in New South Wales. But then we also in Australia call a number of different sports football so easily they get confused if you're an outsider. But I can have a clear memory of memory of playing in the backyard with my two older siblings, and was playing against the two of them. Like on my own, and I would have been two or three really quite young. I don't remember having a younger sibling. So before before three I use quite young but it's interesting this, this memory sticks. Because I can remember it so vividly that I that I one scored a try. Touchdown in the US or a goal basically, I scored points, and was so excited and I won and I must have gone a little bit over the top as you would if you were that age, and got pretty excited. Only for my older siblings who would have been around six or nine. Of course, I wasn't good enough to beat them, but they let me know that in no uncertain terms we let you in. And I remember arguing with them. No, you didn't. I won fair and square because in my young mind was like no, no, like I did that you couldn't catch me amazing, right? That one that's how I would remember that. And to that that's how my brain was processing it big when now logically looking at it that doesn't make sense. This memory came to me or came back to me recently when I was unpacking something around my own competitiveness and, and why certain behaviors have shown off me at different times. And bordel, bordering on over competitive at different times in for anything from a family board game, to playing table tennis at someone's house to organize sport of any kind like super competitive such a strong desire to win at times at any cost right to push the boundaries of what's acceptable. In the beats, there's been plenty of times where I have really been self critical about certain behaviors that I showed in those moments of being upset when I didn't when of just going to great lengths to win but then feeling bad afterwards about the some of the behaviors that I demonstrated to make it happen. And so much of it comes back to that memory of just the hurt the heartbreak the grief of having that result taken away from me what I thought was something that I'd achieved and was really excited about and that had that taken away from me now that's by no means the only moment of learning and having model to me competitive behavior because by my dad was super competitive my my siblings as well. And in so many ways that serve me, but I've wasted so much energy. Yeah, like I said being being really self critical and self judgmental about certain behaviors.
Now the reason I bring this story up is because so often these moments from our youth create behavior You know, adult years that influence and for you there, there's there would be no doubt moments now that play out where you use are still self critical. And you're still self judgmental about different behaviors that, that you still have patterns that you cannot break habits that you can't get to stick or old habits that you can't seem to shake. They come from these moments of grief. Now, often when people look back and go what aren't behaving a certain way, and then they think for sure that it must have been some really awful traumatic event. But I'll reiterate, what I've said on here many, many times is that these moments are often like I described that story, they're just normal moments from childhood. And why siblings weren't doing anything more than what I would have done to my younger siblings, like saying, Go and play pool yet in a bit like just just cutting me down. So I'm not getting too far ahead of myself. That's all normal sibling rivalry and, and behavior. But what ends up creating is this illusion of how we look at the world and how we look at our own behavior, and how we look at a whole lot of different things. And, again, I'll just remind you that these these moments of grief, while they may be playing out now, from bigger events, a lot of them are the the the pain that is ongoing is from these moments like this. Now, this was an unknown, there was a there always was that memory, but it was unknown in the sense that I hadn't made a logical connection that there was something to that, that influenced me so heavily. So we're unpacking and going through and just look at the reality of the situation. And then other different moments from my past where this might have happened and been too competitive, and just just getting some real clarity on that. And that allowed me to, to make sense of it, be okay with it, and then be able to find strategies to do it a different way still be super competitive, because I want to be the best that I can be not necessarily making it about anyone else, but by my own desire to be better. Now, for you wherever you're at, and looking at, whether it's that competitive nature, whether it's a real strong desire to win at all costs, whether it's how you take that into, into your business, or your work, and then maybe you have times where you then are really hard on yourself, when you don't win, when you don't get success, we don't feel like you've got it over your opposition.
It's so debilitating in so many ways, because it's just an unfair way of judging yourself by shifting your thought process to, not to the outcome of the win, but to what it is that is the actual outcome that you're after, then you can change the behavior. And then also, by taking the time just to acknowledge that it's not your fault, what's happened, though, there will be some moments from your past that have resulted in different behaviors and then rewriting the future rewriting your behavior and setting intentions about how you want to do things differently. Because when you can start to change the language that you use in your head and reprogram the software in your brain, in the language that you use, then you can still enjoy that competitive element that you take so much from because there is satisfaction in in achievement through through their competitive lens. But you won't do it in a way that is to you your detriment to anyone who's involved in the competition to their detriment, but in the way that's actually positive for everyone involved. It further lot of you listening you'll have children and you may have had moments where you're pushing them along and and really fueling their competitive nature as well. And again, that's okay as long as it's not done through a way that they feel like for them to be feeling worthy or accepting or able to accept your love is by winning it They're thinking that way, then they're never going to be happy with who they are. And they're always going to be judging themselves the same way you have a different times. So for you to be able to break that pattern is going to not only set you free, but do the same thing for your children. And it doesn't mean they won't be successful doesn't mean that they can't have great results in whatever their chosen field is to the country is going to allow them to have like incredible results still be competitive. But in a way that's leaves them feeling in a real positive place, not one that even when they when they, they feel like they're not enough. And it starts with you starts with you changing how you look at things. start rewriting, you cannot change the past, but you can change the attachment you have to you can heal the grief and plot a new path forward where the winds that you have uplifting and inspiring to not only yourself but to others as well.
I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Grief Code podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Please share it with a friend or family member that you know would benefit from hearing it too. If you are truly ready to heal your unresolved or unknown grief, let's chat. Email me at info at Ian Hawkins coaching.com You can also stay connected with me by joining the Grief Code community at Ian Hawkins coaching.com forward slash The Grief Code and remember, so that I can help even more people to heal. Please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform.