Ian Hawkins 0:02
Are you ready, ready to release internal pain to find confidence, clarity and direction for your future, to live a life of meaning, fulfillment and contribution to trust your intuition again, but something's been holding you back. You've come to the right place. Welcome. I'm a Ian Hawkins, the host and founder of The Grief Code podcast. Together, let's heal your unresolved or unknown grief by unlocking your grief code. As you tune into each episode, you will receive insight into your own grief, how to eliminate it and what to do next. Before we start by one request. If any new insights or awareness land with you during this episode, please send me an email at info at the Ian Hawkins coaching.com. And let me know what you found. I know the power of this word, I love to hear the impact these conversations have. Okay, let's get into it.
When Sharon Camello went through her separation and divorce, she thought she'd hit rock bottom. But then she hit rock bottom again and again. The pain of the separation the influence that alcohol was having on her life. They all conspired to drag it out into a hole. But on the other side of that she learned so much about herself. And the reoccurring thing for this chat is all about the masks that we wear. And her identifying that there were certain masteries or wearing that she needs to drop that she can help other people to do the same. And she also shares about her amazing book emoji, which is the 50 Easy Ways To Overcome Anxiety and find your happy face. There's so much great wisdom and tips, not only in her book, but in this chat now. Enjoy.
Hi, everyone. And welcome. Sharon. Camilla how Sharon.
Speaker 2 2:10
I'm very well. Thank you. I put my fanny on today. flannelette shirt is getting cool.
Ian Hawkins 2:17
That is it's I don't like it. Give me something at a beach any day of the week.
Speaker 2 2:26
Trying to embrace it. I'm trying to change my thinking to positive thoughts about the cold.
Ian Hawkins 2:33
Me too. But it just makes me long for more warm weather.
Unknown Speaker 2:36
The beaches nice summer.
Ian Hawkins 2:39
Absolutely. Anyway, enough weather reports. Let's get into your story. So before we jumped on, we talked about some of those moments from your past and and you said you had a rock bottom moment. But yes, it actually said you had a number of them. So like, I think that's what it's often like, right? You think you've hit rock bottom. And then he goes, he goes another one and another layer another layer. So tell us a little bit about that original moment. And then then how that unfolded after that year.
Speaker 2 3:09
Sure. I had a lot of rock bottom moments. postnatally I had two little kids very close together. And my sister was dying of cancer. So I had a lot of rock bottom moments at that time. But the ones that I was speaking to you about before we came on, was going through separation and divorce. That was the hardest thing I've ever done. Very, very difficult. I was married for 30 years. And you know married to my high school sweetheart. We had two beautiful kids. We had a great family life great friendship group. And then everything went belly up. And and it was unfortunately, a little bit messy and a lot of a lot of conflict. So and I blamed myself, and I was drinking heavily. And I just Yeah, I just ended up at rock bottom many, many, many times lots of dark places.
Ian Hawkins 4:16
You okay, talk about how you ended up in those places. And so was it the drinking they sort of took you lower and lower? Or was it like the situation was at the thought processes or was it a bit of everything?
Speaker 2 4:31
Yeah, all of the above? I mean, obviously drinking aggravates or let's say I won't say aggravates that's a judgment but drinking you know accentuates emotions. So I would drink every night a lot, to feel happier. And to avoid, you know, all the usual all the usual reasons. But then in the morning would be a mess and absolute blubbering mess And this just went on day after day I was trying to go to work, I was trying to, you know, look for a house. So it was, you know, I was trying to do my groceries or go to the post office, and it was just everything was hard.
Ian Hawkins 5:17
So love living together at that point.
Speaker 2 5:21
No, this is after I moved out, I moved into an apartment and I was alone, my kids were back at the house with their dad, my cats, or my cat, one cat, you know. And I used to go to the house to pack some things, more things to take to my flat. And I would sit in the rocking chair with that cat, and just cry and cry, and cry. And I most of it was the self talk, you know, this is all my fold. And it wasn't, of course that you know, I'm a loser. I messed up. I'm such a, you know, x y Zed. I've never, you know, I was always going to be this way. I had such a dysfunctional childhood. And then and I was never going to make it. You know, I'm always letting people down. You know, I was just Yeah, it was self taught was just awful. You know?
Ian Hawkins 6:21
Tell me about some of the thoughts that came up from your child or because to me, that's one of the things that people are never prepared for with grief, the actual moment is pretty in your face. But it's then then you pile on top of that the Yeah, the thoughts from like you just said they're like the thought process and the inner talk starts going on about all those old things from the past? Well, absolutely, yes. A bit of that, and how significant that impacted you at that time around your rock bottom moment?
Speaker 2 6:55
Yeah, it was huge. And because, you know, I grew up in a challenging household. dad was an alcoholic, he was the party boy who was very competitive with me. So he was like, a male version of me. Just add alcohol and perhaps less emotional intelligence, you know, that they married, you know, when they were in their early 20s, they had three kids by the time they were 25. And they came from households that were also somewhat challenging. So yes, so that's how we were raised, mum became very cool, controlling, because you can't control an alcoholic. So you're trying to control everything else in your life. So yeah, and I, you know, we, we were raised with love. But it was an interesting version of love. And there was a lot of criticism, and a lot of, you know, you didn't do this right. And you didn't do that. Right. And, and my two siblings were special needs, both intellectually disabled, but I was sort of the shining star, you know, that got the good results, and won the prizes and awards and things. But it was not really acknowledged, you know, and when I asked him about that years and years later, she said, I just expected you to do well. And I said, Yeah, but it would have been nice to hear it sometimes. Those three universal fears that you hear about, you know, the not worthy, not being loved and not belonging. I had them in spades, I had had all of the fears that that we all have to a certain degree. And of course, these things are just say they come out when we're grieving. I think during any grief process, that's when emotions are enlarged, enhanced, whatever. And yeah, so I was like, I've messed up everything. I'm such a loser. I can't do anything. Right. All of the above.
Ian Hawkins 9:19
Yeah. So as as that what you said there feeling like the shining star, was there? Was there a pressure with needing to then keep up that level of achievement that you felt at a young age?
Speaker 2 9:35
No, no, I don't think so. In fact, dad, kind of was somewhat jealous of my achievements, because I achieved things that he had never been able to achieve and probably wouldn't, you know, just different talents, different strengths. So he would kind of, you know, do the tall poppy and cut me down and mum was just so busy. You know, dealing with everything around her, including my siblings that, as I say, she just said to me one time, you know, we just expected you to do well. You know,Ian Hawkins:
you're right. Did you? Do you remember feeling like, any sort of resentment? Because your siblings were getting more attention than you?:
No, not at all. No, no, I loved, loved my siblings very much. And I, in fact, tried to help Mother and teach them you know,Ian Hawkins:
I call. Yeah, so the natural teacher already coming of age.:
That's right. I think it's one of the reasons I went into teaching. Yeah.Ian Hawkins:
That's very cool. Okay, so what about the pattern of being cut down to the you then go into, like, into later years and then into adulthood starting to attract that same sort of experience with men? Like,:
I don't think so. And my, my partner of 30 years was he had his own path. I didn't really have a path for anyone to acknowledge, you know, I became a teacher and a mother. But yeah, there was nothing outside of that, that, that. And when I did go off on a creative tangent, I guess, I guess it was somewhat discouraged, or, or crushed. But so I just didn't, didn't try, you know. So, yeah, but I don't think I attracted those types of people. I've always looked for supportive people.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah, so it's really interesting that you said that like creativity, the creative tangent was always quashed, it's like, we, we don't know each other that well, but from the conversations we have had, and you sharing your book with me is like, that's what what I get from you is very much that creative soul and, and loving that ability just to share creations with the world. Did that mean you went away from that creative? Spark? Yeah, more. Yeah. But was there a longing to be back in that space or more just you just detach from it all together, and then and then took you years to come back to that space?:
There was a longing all my life, there was a longing, you know. So even though separation and divorce were very difficult. You know, it's, it's been such a blessing, that, that, you know, he's found someone that he can have his beautifully conservative style. And I've found someone that I can be myself and, or even just before I met anybody, I could just finally be myself. One of the first things I bought was a shirt that says free to be me, you know. But at the same time, I was, I was saying that, but I wasn't feeling it yet. I've only just started in the last couple of years, I went and got a tattoo, you know, because I was told, if I got a tattoo, that would be the end of the relationship. I jumped out of an airplane, I learned to skateboard and surf, you know, I went I just unleashed the beastIan Hawkins:
Oh, I wasn't gonna go then. Oh, you were talking about the creativity and and freebie me I was drawn immediately to the video I saw you do with your your current partner, when you were doing the competition to go into the television show? And I was like, like, yeah, you can tell the two were in sync. And both that creativity and a bit of cheekiness and character coming out. It was great. Yeah,:
thank you. We tried to put a couple of jokes in there because it's, you know, you don't want to be too straight. But yeah, we sort of are we're always coming up with an idea. You know, there's always something that we're going to promote or market or Oh, the world needs this, you know? Yeah.Ian Hawkins:
So so that those rock on a moment's you wouldn't have been thinking about creativity. But what what, what was sort of the first step to get you starting heading in the right direction, because you said that, you know, you hit rock bottom, but then you hit it again, and they got lower and lower. Like, how did you get yourself out of that space?:
Well, there were a few things I went saw a psychiatrist for the first time in my life, because I had been diagnosed with it severe anxiety and depression postnatally. And when if I see a doctor now that that's still on my chart, that is my, you know, it's my diagnosis. And I just, you know, I just, I don't laugh at it, but I think, wow, I've come so far. The other thing was to give up the alcohol, I knew after several incidents, where I really let myself and others down, that I had to give up alcohol. And by this stage, I was on Facebook, and I found an excellent coach, and just gravitated towards his posts. And next thing, you know, I'm signed up to the program. And now I'm, you know, a mentor within that program. So was amazing. And I, you know, I've, I've will only have the occasional drink. Now, it's a complete transformation. It's an it's just a whole new world to be able to express feelings. Without the alcohol, whether they're, you know, happy or sad feelings. I can do all of that. Now I can go to a funeral. And I can cry with the others, but I don't need to have a drink in my hand. And that's just been an absolute life changer.Ian Hawkins:
Oh, wow. So without alcohol, you would just be suppressing everything.:
Yeah, yeah, I think I was suppressing a lot. Yeah, I had a big mask I wore, I wore masks all the time. And a couple of coaches in the industry that I was working with called me out on that, and said, Shahzad, it's time to drop the mask, we want to see the real you. And that was a huge, a huge step. Yeah. And then your first, your first reaction to that is, I'll shut up, you wouldn't know. You know? You go into Oh, I did. I went into energy, I have a massive inner child. So my inner child just said, What would you know, you're just, you're just a mean, girl, you know? Yeah. But it was the best advice and another coach to that I've worked with a lot. He helped me with that a lot to drop the mask, slow down, you know, really, and listen to others, you know, because when you have the mask, you talk about yourself a lot and tell your own stories, and you forget to say to the other personal. How about you? How are you going.Ian Hawkins:
I also know that the work that I've done with different personality types and different preferences that the creative mind is working so fast paced, and has already sort of seen the vision of the future that it's not from a not wanting to engage, it's just that they're already thinking about four or five steps down the track. And sometimes the other side of the spectrum that, you know, needs needs to have more of that validation is left behind. So it's not necessarily a negative, but more of a coming to an understanding of how we all operate in different speeds in different processes, right?:
Yes, I remember taking some notes at something at one of my schools, and my boss, who was a pretty outgoing, crazy sort of dude, he picked up my notes, and he looked at them and he said, Oh, my God, he used to call me mellow for mellow, Camilla, you know, oh, my god, Camilla, these notes are so you there is no, it's just like, over here over there. And I thought, yeah, okay. But I did go and see a psychiatrist. I didn't quite finish that I meant to finish that and asked about, you know, possible bipolar, I'm not big on labels. And I work in schools and kids come at me with their labels. I've got ADHD, you know, and I go, Okay, darling, I still need you to be respectful. You know, I still need I understand that. And thank you for letting me know, I still need you to try to do this math. And if you can't, I am here to help you, as I said, you know, so, yeah, so I did ask a psychiatrist about, you know, bipolar tendencies. And she did a lot of nodding and moving and, and then we tried, we tried a different drug to the anti depressant. But I couldn't come off the antidepressant. So yeah, it's, you know, it's, it's hard. It's, and I don't, I don't really need the label. I don't really want the label on me. I'm just me.Ian Hawkins:
What prompted it, asking that question of the psychiatrist.:
I just because I was going through such a difficult time. And I was analyzing, you know, my behaviors and my contribution to the divorce. You know, what, in the drinking, you know, my whole personality type, you know, what, what is it about me that's caused some of this to happen? And maybe I'm maybe it's not just anxiety and depression, maybe there's more to it. I think I was starting to look at personal development and starting to look at different personality types and different labels. Yeah, we're starting to think maybe I could get some help with this. But, you know, anything that we do with drugs is simply suppressing. SoIan Hawkins:
you mentioned masks before it. It either well, it doesn't remove the mask, but it just presents a different way. Right?:
Yeah. And I don't want to do that anymore. I now accept and embrace who I am. And, you know, come with me or get left behind. You know, be my friend or don't, I don't really care anymore. You know, and if my energy is too strong for you, so be it. I do try to, you know, I get a bit excited. And then I, I take a breath. I do a lot of meditation now. Stay calm. I do a lot of things to calm myself. And those around me. So. Yeah, good.Ian Hawkins:
I don't have a great understanding of bipolar. I know, it's it's like big, big highs and big lows. Yeah. See, you're jumping from one to the other like, within within? I was like,:
Yeah, over the period of a week, like last week. I remember. We started on Tuesday, didn't we? Yes, or No, Tuesday was the day off. I just remember one day, I was feeling really low. And the next day, I was feeling super high. You know, what, what did I eat? What did I do? What's come in, you know, where does this come from? That I'm just being aware of it for me now is enough. And just know that they used to call it manic depression. They used to say, you know, she's she's having a manic episode. Or you would find the same person, you know, slumped in their bed for a whole week or whatever. That's probably an extreme case. But yeah, yeah. It's highs and lows. To the extreme, more extreme than perhaps other people.Ian Hawkins:
did. Was that back in the rock bottom moment, you're experiencing, like, coming out the other side of that as well? Or are we talking this is going way back as far as early as you can remember?:
I don't remember having I don't remember having these sorts of super highs and lows as a kid or a teenager. You know, I feel like I was fairly even I think a lot of things changed. postnatally a lot of my chemicals changed. And then there were life experiences that changed me a lot. And now it's just yeah, I just try and keep it as even as I can. Without without squashing the highs too much.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah, I get a real a sad emotion come through when you were talking about those life experiences? Is there any of those that would have come to mind and just then that you can actually share about, like, how they impact? Oh,:
yes, sure. I mean, talk about the Grief Code, the grief list. I had, oh, I lost in a row. I lost my sister who as I say was special. A long history with cancer about five years, so that was very sad. And, and I couldn't protect her any longer. You know, I couldn't. That was a big one for me, because I used to protect her and I could no longer do that. I then lost my stepfather who was just adorable. He he was a real dad to me. And then I lost my own dad. And even though we'd had a rocky path, you know, it's still very as you know, very confronting losing your dad a lot of memories and a lot of, you know, there's times where you sort of think oh, just tell dad. Oh, no, I can't, you know, love that. Oh, don't get me. Yeah. And then I lost his sister, my aunt and she was my family soulmate. She and I were just thick as thieves. We understood each other. Yeah. So I had a real string of, of grief. And I remember your guest, Pat saying to enter a stage, which didn't want to pick up the phone. Yeah, I was. Yeah, I was the same. I would leave the phone for anybody else to pick up. I was just like, what now? You know?Ian Hawkins:
Yeah. Unfortunately, these things do seem to come in, in waves, don't they? Yeah. Yeah. So what, I've got a few things through just when you were talking there, and the, your role is that protected for your sister was pretty important. Right. Goosebumps was like, That was almost like a real purpose part of your life. So when that when you can't protect her any more. But then also, that sort of sense of purpose is taken away. Did that leave a massive hole for you?:
It did, but I did. I had small children at the time. So I was able to, to channel that into them and probably became overly protective. Or they tell me that it's not me that now 26 and 24. They make jokes about it. Yeah. Yeah. You can't go to the park on your own, you know. And I, and I still defend myself. I say, No, you shouldn't have been going to the park on your own at four years old. Lisa, you know,Ian Hawkins:
Yeah. But other aspects to that they tease me about but yeah, so But I, it took me a while to realize why I was grieving so much for my sister, you know, because she had been sick for a long time. She didn't have a great quality of life, even before she became sick. So it was kind of, you know, how they say, a blessing in a way. So I was trying, I guess I was doing the Pollyanna thing and saying, Oh, it's a blessing. It's a blessing. You know, she's out of pain. And she, you know, she doesn't have to do this very hard thing called life because it was hard for her really hard for her. She doesn't have to do that anymore. And I, but I was obviously there was something deeper that I wasn't uncovering until a little bit later when I realized, Oh, God, that's it. You protected her and you couldn't protect her. I think I was working with a coach by then. And yeah. And she said you couldn't protect her any longer. And the flood just came.Ian Hawkins:
It was amazing when we just externalize something and and just get it out. Like how free and what a relief. It is. Right?Unknown Speaker:
Yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah.Ian Hawkins:
Amazing. Tell me, you described that those early years growing up with your siblings and how you just had to get on with it. You didn't get that acknowledgement. Does that, that translate into lady years of struggling to receive compliments and, and any sort of praise?:
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think I spent most of my adult life just expecting to do well, but not Not, not receiving encouragement or praise terribly well. But always striving to do better at something, anything, you know, I wanted the accolades. I want to so I became a massive people pleaser, you know, and I will do things to the nth degree, if there was a party to be planned or whatever it was, whatever project I ran, I would, to the nth degree, it was ridiculous. You know, just, you know, I just spent, you know, most of my adult life in with my inner child saying, Please love me, please love me. Please be my friend.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah. And that's a pattern that I can relate to. And I'm sure many of the listeners will be able to as well as like, wanting to get that validation. But then when it comes being uncomfortable, that sort of it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In a contradiction. So then we spend so much of our time over giving, running around volunteering our time for other people to fill that need, but really, ultimately, at our own expense.:
Yeah. And we don't look inward. You know, what I remember learning about trauma responses and a lot of people their trauma response is, is kind of telling the story over and over and presenting the trauma and I guess the excuses all I can't do this, because this and this and this and this have happened to me. And then there's another type of trauma response where, you know, we help others and overdo things. and shiny things shiny thing, but we've done it stop and look within. And that's so important, as you know, that journey to self is absolutely vital. And I'm so grateful for it now, even though it's hard when someone tells you, you know, you wear too many masks or you're too loud, or you this or that, or Yeah.Ian Hawkins:
From my experience, I don't know if this relates to you. But I've worked with a lot of people that have said to me, they, they've been allowed to tell their story over and over again. And it hasn't helped because I just keep feel like they're just saying the same things. Whereas as they rightly point out, all their people tell their story to a point. But if it gets to the point where you're like, Okay, we're going over all ground here, I'll go, Okay, we need to actually, we need to move on from this. So what is it that's needed? Do you find that with the work that you do that it's this looking at it the same way? It's like, okay, like, let's, let's shift this story to something else. Yeah,:
I, you know, I learned to tell my story. Well, even up until recently, I was working with a coach about tweaking how how I tell my story, so that others can relate to me, so I can then help coach them. So that was with a purpose. But when I was telling it over and over in social media, or to coaches, or I did get to the stage where I thought, Oh, God, it's time to give up your story, you know, you do have control over your life. And the more you just dwell in, you know, dysfunctional childhood, we all had a dysfunctional childhood, you know, grief, losing lots of people in your life, we all lose people in our lives. And I remember working with a particular coach who had us telling it in a humorous way, he could tell it with a Mickey Mouse voice. Or we could tell it, like, I chose to do one I chose to do mine in rap. So I put my cap on backwards. And, you know, did the rap move and toll. I wrote it all out, and I recited my story in rap, you know, and, yeah, and then I also studied a discipline called the spiral with a fellow from Byron Bay, and in that we don't, it's a coaching method, but we don't go into a lot of story detail, we find out when particular emotions occurred, using kinesiology muscle testing. And then we, then we, okay, so when did Ian first experience grief, you know, to, you would think your old experience grief, but maybe someone around you was grieving at the time, you know? So it's, it's a very powerful modality, and it takes the person out of all the details and into healing. So, yeah, I was looking forIan Hawkins:
that. Yeah, yeah, I'm a fan of having those tools as well. Because sometimes one the person doesn't know what it is. And maybe they don't want to, they're not ready to share. That doesn't mean we can't create a shift with with processes like that. You mentioned there the early grief from as young as two, I share my story about how I used to have this recurring nightmare. And I couldn't work out what it was because there was no color to it. There's no shapes, there was no, it was just light and dark. And this thumping that spell up, write it down. It's like well, that to me, it's like well, that would have been experiencing stress and and some sort of emotional reaction in the womb right responder. Yeah. To mum stress or her stressing about some other external stuff. So thanks for raising that about that young age. Yes, we do experience it, where we we are observing these important people in our world. And when they're off? Well, yeah, even as young as whatever, we experienced these things and they can can continue to impact us. If you think you mentioned that inner child a few times to pass this question one can you explain to people who maybe don't know what, what you mean by and then some of the words around that to repair that relationship?:
Yeah. So those those three were the universal fears. I'm not worthy, I'm not loved. I don't belong. I guess I would say that that is to me, that's a lot of inner child you know, I don't fit in this group. So when we're in the workplace, and you know, the mean girls are at the, at the they say at the water fountain, you know, the, the, the tap near the kitchen or whatever and you see them kind of wish Spring and you think, Oh, they're talking about me because that one spoke to me this morning quite harshly and, and they could be talking about anything. But that inner child that says, I don't belong in this group, or the inner child that says I'm not worthy, because, you know, my boss keeps snapping at me. That everything, everything we exaggerate everything I do isn't good enough, you know, but a lot of it comes back to those, those childhood inner fears says, you know, I'm not worthy. I'm not loved. Nobody loves me. No, you know, I posted on Facebook that, you know, I'm having a bad time and hardly anyone reached out or, you know, we, we cook up stories, don't we? I think Tony Robbins talks about that a lot that we movies, we make movies in our own minds about things that are happening in our lives, and so much of it is untrue, but it, it comes from that place of inner child. And then the the opposite is true, you know, free the inner child. I say it on most of my videos like the old you know, seeing like, no one's listening dance, like no one's watching, you know, love like you've never been hurt and perhaps live each day as if it were your last. And if you watch a small child, take a small child for a walk. Oh, my Lord, you know, they all look a flower. Oh, grasshopper, and fence has got a funny pattern. Look how that goes like zigzag. And that's that's where I wish we could come from more that had mindfulness.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah. Curious, adventurous, visiting. Lots of questions. Yes. It's a great way to look at the world, because then you find all that you didn't know we're there. And often, often that comes about through our darkest days, right? Because we we avoid asking those questions. And then when we're faced, we're in our rock bottom moment, then we have to ask different questions, because we know we need to get ourselves out of it. So do you remember any of the sort of questions you started to ask yourself where you're going through that really dark time? Like how you?:
Yeah, I when I was home, with the family, and with my ex husband, I was starting to look up personal development and starting to ask questions. And he got a bit upset with me one day and said, You're always looking for answers. And I said, Yeah, isn't everybody you know, like, Isn't that why people go to church study philosophy? Go skateboarding? I don't know. Like, we're all. Yeah, we're all looking for answers. And I think I snapped back or what? So you've got all the answers, you know? Yeah, my big thing is, I will always be looking for answers. I hope that when I'm 90, I am still Googling and I'm still learning another form of meditation. So the questions are always there for me. And they threw those rock bottom times, I guess there were more questions. And there was almost like a comparison. And, you know, we say comparison is not such a healthy thing. But looking at other people and thinking, Why is this person so calm? Or how does this person have so much joy in their hearts? often think of little old ladies. And maybe that's because I'm going to become one. And, and I think of family members, and you've got that, that and we would all relate to this? You've got that elderly relative who? Sorry, I've just lost my hair to that elderly relative who? Who says, Oh, hello, Ian, how are you? Darling? It's good to see you. You're looking well, and what have you been up to? You know? And then there's that one that says, Ah, yes, I was at that time already. Oh, come on, in my back. No, I haven't been real well, and I've got to go to the doctor on Thursday. And, and you just think, choose your path which, which of these people do you wish to be? Having said that don't be Pollyanna. You know, if you've if you've got a sore back then yeah, you might want to talk about that, but maybe not make it your greeting. You know.Ian Hawkins:
I think the important distinction you placed around the comparisons is that you're doing it by asking questions to improve rather than self defeating, or why can I look at them? I wish I could have more of that. It's like novel no night like how could I could I get one like that? Like they're gonna say various. And to me, I think I'd never really thought about it like that, but If you can compare with with a desire to improve.:
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And I do watch people all the time people watching is like my favorite thing to do. I always go out. If I'm in a shopping center, we sometimes will go to a shopping center and we'll be in, you know, the food court or whatever. And I just love watching people and I feel like I just said last week, I'm like Dr. Doolittle. I can see and feel conversations and drive strength nuts. I'll say, all that dads, that dad's not giving his son enough attention. Look, he's scrolling through his butt and Frankel go, we have a word we we came up with a word recently. Strawberries. He'll say strawberries. Strawberries are sweet. And we like them. So try it. Yeah, trying. We were saying Shut up. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's focusing on. Okay, well, that's, that's a bit negative, let's focus on the positive, you know, because I really don't want to be analyzing whether that father is giving his son enough time. That's, that's between them, you know, I just want to enjoy my, my time with Frank and my shopping and whatever. So but yeah, I do kind of tune in to, to people's dynamics. Yeah.Ian Hawkins:
The couple of things that come to mind there is like, when we have that sort of inquisitive mind, then we do see the world differently. And we do see where things could be improved. I, for me, that's, that's a big one. And it can be both a blessing and something that is extremely exhausting, right? I'm looking at different situations are going yeah, they could probably do that. But I'm looking at that from my own stuff. Like, it's sometimes gonna mean that I get to the end of sodomy, and go, Yeah, I really could have done that better. It's like never, never having that sort of full satisfaction, which isn't the worst thing, right? Because that allows us to continue to improve. So as Okay, so that story removed from, you know, like, I remember too much, but, but how does your ability to read people and read situations and, and see what's really going on? How has that helped you? In your teaching? And also in your coaching?:
Yeah, absolutely. It's, it's just been a godsend. I've always had that sort of level of intuition. I don't. I don't have the gift that you have, to that extent of, you know, reading some of the feelings and some of the other life or whatever, but I do. Yeah, I do know people very well. I worked in sales and marketing for a few years, I left teaching and went and worked for educational publishers. And that helped me a lot to understand people. And so we would have a book display at a conference or whatever, and people would come in, and I watched her work mate of mine. And she, she'd say, What's the weather like outside? Is it still raining? And that's how she would engage people rather than the old Hello, how are you today? Which is, you know, oh God, the salesperson, you know? Yeah, she was very good. And so I've watched people and you know, when people don't want something, I love watching the charity, sales people in the shopping centers. I love watching them and how people go No thanks. And marks on past or, you know, or no. You know, you walk 10 miles that way to get away from them. I always just say, Hello, I've walked straight for them. And I say hello, how are you? And often they'll stop me and I'll have a quick chat with them. And I'll say, Look, I'm already signed up to a few I can't do any more at the moment, but nice to meet you hope it goes well, you know? Yeah,Ian Hawkins:
I try and give him a smile of Yeah, I see what you're doing. Please don't talk to me. Because I want to say like, well, you have our charities or like, I prefer to choose that through my own time not having something flashed into my face. Bit like, that's good. People's Choice around their, their spiritual practices as well. I think people are the same. People like to have to be told, what's what you mentioned, you mentioned there you talked about, like, you know, you don't necessarily do things how I do things. What I know is that everyone has a different way that they can get that sense though. So like and it's very much linked to the external personality so like I'm a more in that that sensitive side of the spectrum. So of course my intuitive abilities are going to be more in that sort of sensitive and sensory space as well. But view that big picture the the ideas, the innovations But I'd suggest that that's where you're going to have more of your intuitive magic. So it wouldn't be a direct comparison. But more a again, that what we talked about before then in inquisitive question around, okay, well, I'd My gift is different. How can I tap in to more of that? So, if you think about when you are coaching, you kind of get, do you get visuals, or you kind of get ideas of what the future might be that sort of come to you? Almost? Yeah, almost like magic.:
Yeah, sometimes, and I'll share that with them. And I do a lot of vision work with people like vision boards, or, you know, setting up a verbal vision, you know, what, what, what would you like, to come of this? What would you like to happen? And, and how would that look? And how would it feel? You know? Yeah, because I find that that that Forward, forward planning forward vision is, you know, the manifestation is just so important for people to, to try and imagine how we could do this better or more functionally, or whatever. Let's talk about what that looks like and feels like, and then then they're almost stepping into it, you know, how can we? What action steps do we need to take to make that happen, you know, for you and mom to get along better? Or whatever it is, you know?Ian Hawkins:
Yeah. I imagine that you're very good. At the vision side of things, that big picture thinking and helping other people to unlock more of theirs. Yeah.:
Thank you. Yeah. I've always been able to see things, you know, you go to things and people say, I can't even see it, I can't picture it. And I think Oh, my God, I don't say this to them. But I think to myself, I'm seeing it in full Technicolor every detail. very visual, very, very visual.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah, my oldest child is like that, that talks about the movies in their head. Whereas, whereas for me, I'm more, like, I've got a bit of a concept of it. But you can have to talk me through this and show me some visuals for me to read the concept of that. Yeah, I love that. And, and so needed, right for when people are starting their journey, and they're feeling stuck, and they're coming out the other side of rock bottom having that vision for for what's what's coming is really important. So So what's your vision? What's your big vision for the future? Sharon? Yeah, with all you've been through and where you're where you're at now?:
Yeah, thank you. I've got a new partner, Frank, as you said, you saw the videos. So we're on the similar wavelength, most of the time, we've, we've got our little, our little dog over on his bed, their little basil, the brilliant dog and, and we do experiment at the weekend, taking him in the caravan, and going away, but no, he will be needing to stay with a family member, because he has a lot of anxiety and barks at everything and everybody with we thought from our walks with him that that would be the case. But ya know, he struggles with social anxiety or bezel so. So it'll be me and Frank in the caravan. We're still renovating his house, and I'm selling a place. And once we get all that done, whether that takes a year or whatever, we'll be hitting the road with the caravan. And we're traveling as the sustainable Crusaders. Which is, which is why we did that video to you to promote that. And so, so frank set up something just as I got to know him called Sustainable Crusaders. And then I have over time, set up my emoji, find your happy face, but we're actually meshing them. Because to live a sustainable lifestyle, as well as reducing plastic and waste. You're also wanting to reduce the waste in your mind. And, you know, and nutrition, you know, we eat healthily. And funnily enough, the two of them just They just naturally link so the nutritionists or say, don't eat things that come out of packets because everything in a packet, you know, to have a shelf life is full of preservatives and chemicals. And yeah, so yeah, so we've we've gradually putting them together.Ian Hawkins:
I love that blend. My first thought was, well, we need to have the sustained clarity of thinking we need to have the sustained physical energy, the sustained, sustained way to manage emotions, and I love you mentioned that book because I was gonna bring that up. So emoji, and I'm very blessed to have my own signed copy of it. sneaky, Sharon, welcome 50 Easy Ways to over overcome anxiety and find your happy place. Tell us a little about a bit about the inspiration for this book, Sharon.:
Yes, thank you. So I was doing personal development. So I started with the alcohol program, which has a lot of personal development in it. As you can imagine, it's not just about the alcohol. In fact, some people say it's never about the alcohol, it's about us, you know, and why we're using the alcohol. And then I just gravitated towards personal development, I was reading all the, you know, the Aircar tolls, and the David Hawkins and all the people, Tony Robbins, the lot. And then I started finding courses, so and they were just on Facebook online, and all that course, looks good. And I became, you know, the cause, junkie. And I've had to sort of rein that in a bit, just to start implementing more. And then I eventually did my coaching studies, have done studies, you know, with an Australian group, and also an American group, and just putting all that information together as a toolkit, you know, a set of resources that I can use, when I'm in the field, whether that's doing a home visit for families, or whether it's just over the over the Zoom call or FaceTime. But what was happening was, I was starting to do little live videos, you know, and, and I did them often in the park, but go for a walk, and walk and talk, you know, and, and I was talking about the ways that I had come out of anxiety and depression and the ways that I had got off the couch, you know, and sitting for two hours on the couch in the morning, you know, scrolling and miserable, miserable and just frozen to that couch and not able to leave the house. So to come from there to getting up and going for a walk. And so I was doing this little live videos, and I was talking about the different strategies that helped me like exercise and energy, how I'm creating my energy, meditation, mindfulness, journaling, or all the well known personal development strategies. And this one particular day, I was just giving a broad overview. And I said, you know, exercise and energy and meditation, something and journaling and inner child and, and all of a sudden, like, like the flash of lightning and the angel singing emoji the word just came to me and that was it. From that day, it was emoji, how do you find your emoji? Or your mojo? You know, but yeah, emoji this, this is the word and yeah, started developing and asking people in a group to provide strategies, what, tell me what strategies you would have for wellness starting with Oh, and you could, you could think of half a dozen and soak in other people in personal development. And anybody, you know, yeah, I can think of things. So yeah. So that's how it all evolved. And then I just started developing the model and, and then I wrote the book. SoIan Hawkins:
yeah, and what I love about this book, that that's different to most is that you've got the index at the back. So if you're looking for something specific, then you can go straight to it instead of trying to having to read the whole thing. So I had a way opened it up. And I got ego, for example, yes, straight there. Or how pono pono, which, which many may be familiar with, but if you haven't definitely worth looking up. Like these are just so many amazing tools here for completely different circumstances. And for different people her to, as you say, there, it's like the go to wellness guide for all ages, there's so much value in that. So what I love is true, true to your personality. It's big picture, but you've brought it back to the finer details as well, which will be so valuable to people.:
Yeah, I wanted to because people were starting to ask me, so what have you done to get out of this? You know, this rut, this whole this, you know, dark space that you've been in? What have you done? And ah, let me tell you, you know, so I thought, well, you know, eventually it just evolved that it needed to to be a book that people could pick up and as you say, Just dip in, you know, I just wanted to help people to negotiate the personal development space because there's so much out there, so many coaches and so many programs and so many books, so I wanted to just put You know, a summary of those together. So Oh, who's that?Ian Hawkins:
Princess? She doesn't come in for everyone, Sharon. So you are very good to be honest. She usually has a message, so let's see what she goes in. Yeah.:
Hello, Princess. Let's lovely. Maybe she likes my voice. I have had cats. I've had lots of friends.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah. Well, she's looked out the window. Yeah. What are you trying to say?Unknown Speaker:
I can just see her tail. It's gorgeous.Ian Hawkins:
She is a princess though. Like, she's like, it's yes, I know.Unknown Speaker:
She's got the wise, I love those.Ian Hawkins:
They'll do a lot that. But there's differing the different moods of Princess sometimes she's funny. And other times she'll scream at you for no particular reason.:
Actually, I have a quick story that I nearly mentioned before when I was talking about energies I went to because I teach in Catholic education. And we have you know, big Levin's and get togethers at the start of the year and this sort of thing. And father, Richard Leonard, who used to speak on TV, I don't know if he's still does, I think it was him. But anyway, there was a presenter, a speaker, and he said it was him. And he said, We are all cats or dogs. And he used the audience as as the examples and he said, the cats will be further to the back. Their arms will be crossed. And they'll be just, you know, okay. Yeah, I'll be the judge of that. And he said, he picked me because I was in the, in the front seat. You know, I had my name badge on and he said and Sharon here, she's a classic dog. She is the case of you know, I'll put my hand up. I'll tell the story. I'll answer the question. Please be my friend. Please love me.Unknown Speaker:
Please. Fix it. You nailed it and all my workmates said, Yep,:
that's sure. So yeah, we're all forget all your coaching models. We are all cats or dogs, you can forget. Myers Briggs Dickon. And forget all of the Torsen whales and sharks. It's just cats or dogs. That's it.Ian Hawkins:
Love it. Yeah, we can tend to over get, we can tend to overcomplicate things. So sometimes the simplest models the best. There's the good time to be the cat, and to be guarded, but there's also making sure that you get that done. Allow yourself to be the center of attention like the dog. Yeah, when you need to. Yeah, so we we can't let this conversation go without sharing your story with that you connected with your park. Now, I'd love for you to tell with your words. But, you know, for the longtime listeners, they know that I talk regularly about people's connections with people who have passed and my own experience with that. And you said like a lot of people you were skeptical, like I very much was your skeptical prior to. But importantly, what you said to me was, but you are wishing. And you were hoping that there was more? And I think I wouldn't say everyone, but I'd say most people, yeah. Why would you not hope or wish that there was still an ability to connect. But you said you didn't believe so how tell us about the story that you went from Skeptic to Believer? Pretty pretty quickly.:
Oh, within within minutes. So I've heard lots of people's stories about the other side. And you know, and you'll often hear people say, oh, you know, now that your sister's past, she'll be up there in heaven with grandma, and so and so and you think Oh, that would be nice. And as I said to you, yeah, you know, I wished I wished that that would be the case. But I kind of thought that maybe we you know, just went in the ground or went to ashes or whatever. And, and then I was very very connected with my grandfather pop. He's my dad's stepfather. We're very very close and and he was one person that did acknowledge me as a kid that I was a bit you know, a bit special and hid we used to have rice bubbles together quietly before the rest of the house got up and we'd talk about the snap, crackle and pop you know in pop, and I'd help him like, I'd help him like the mozzie coils for the whole house at night. And he called them the poop sticks, you know, because they, they they're stinky, you know and we had our very, very special bond and little jokes little in jokes the two of us and Anyway, when he passed, and there was a long, you know, this was a tall soldier who marched on ANZAC Day, you know, and then the decline to the small man in the nursing home bed, you know, it broken and broke my heart to see all that lost in him. But, you know, we still connected during that time. And then after he passed, some time went by and I, on his birthday, I rang my aunt who was his daughter. And I said, are, you know, just checking in, you know? And she said, Are you remember dad's birthday? Yeah, two amazing, I saw, you know, I wanted to just check in with you today. So we had a quick chat in the car park of South Side locksmiths or something, I was at this locksmith place. And I was going to get a lock replaced for my art room, my teaching room. And anyway, so I hung up the phone and we had a little, we had a little tea, a little cry, you know, talking about Poppy and how much we missed in. And I walked in to the locksmiths with the lock to be replaced. And it was brand new. They moved from South Brisbane to Salisbury. And that was all big and new and big glass sliding doors. And I went up to the beat counter and I said to the man, I bought the wrong one. I need the, you know, the 55 fee rather than this one. Can I here's the docket, can I replace it? And he said, Yep, I'll just go back and get it for you. And he went back to get the right lock. And the doors opened as true. As I said here, the doors opened by themselves, obviously. And well and in walked Poppy. And he put his hand on my shoulder. And I think I was going through a bad time at that time and put his hand on my shoulder and said, everything's gonna be all right. Wow.Unknown Speaker:
And I just went and then he was gone as quickly as he was there.:
And I just stood there, like a fish out of water with my mouth open. Like this. And then and the man came out. And he said, he actually said he looked like you've seen a ghost. I literally I literally was standing there like like this and you look at the scene it goes. And because I must have also looked very, you know, yeah, what the? And I said, I said sawed off. And I said, do those doors ever open? By You know how some sighting is opened by themselves? You know, maybe a moth flew past or something. So do those doors ever open by themselves? And you sit off on it? Oh, not that I know of why what happened? I'll start doesn't matter. I'm not even gonna go there, mate. But yeah, and I went home and I don't remember if I told my children. I did. I did tell my former partner who sort of said did you take your tablet this morning? Or what did you do last night or nonbeliever right there? And I said, I can't tell you how true this was. I cannot explain to you how absolutely true this was. And to this day, I still believe that. And I remember your guest, Richard Allen saying you become a detective. You go. Well, the I asked the man do the doors open on there. You know, and I think I said to him, did you see anyone and you said no Should I have? I was like, wow. But I told my auntie his daughter? And she said oh yes, yes, yes. Yes. Yes. She said your grandmother has appeared to me. So very powerful.Ian Hawkins:
And from my experience when you bring them up with other people, they often have a story but they haven't told yes. Don't want to. They want to necessarily tell it because they're worried about what reaction they might get this laughing because I've got the cats now I'm looking out the window and my daughter was just leaving they were just talking to each other. They'reUnknown Speaker:
I said usually she's got a message. Now. Mercedes was looking out the window and now she's sitting on my little bucket chair. They're looking out the window. Oh, and then the birds. So so I'm not really 100% Sure but the you mentioned Okay, here we go. You mentioned that those days when sometimes you just don't even want to go out the door. Have you got to the bar wanna move? What the biggest obstacle to that was? What was keeping you stuck?:
I had I had major anxiety and depression. But that came from the drinking. So the next morning, you know your chemicals, because when you're drinking your serotonin and all your happy dopamine chemicals go up and then the next morning they plummets, you know. But yeah, the the anxiety was just, it was overwhelming, and I was just stuck. But a lot of it came from those those voices, you know, I'm not good enough. I caused all this.Ian Hawkins:
I muted myself but the coughing that came through while you were talking then like, does it do that exert anxiety then create an overthinking process that you would then sort of Yeah, yep.:
Yeah, absolutely overthinking. I've always been an over thinker, and it's something that I'm working on. In fact, I'm reading a book at the moment, overcoming overthinking, you know, by a friend of mine. Yeah, it's the overthinking that we do, where we analyze something to the nth degree, you know, why did this happen? And why did they say that? And why did I do this? And, you know, rather than living in the present, living in the moment, and, and letting all of that go, and that's where meditation is just so valuable to just sit and be and not be rehashing the past? It's such it's such a dangerous place to be?Ian Hawkins:
Absolutely, absolutely. And then as we start to discover more of our intuitive abilities, and we start to get more messages, whether we ask for them or not like people literally showing up to us at the Locksmiths. Yeah, yeah. And then the overthinking can sometimes increase, right, because suddenly, we've opened up this whole new inner world and then, and then it just cascades. And suddenly we've it's like, how do we control all of that? So? So can you share? Maybe one of the tools from the book when when you've got that overthinking happening? How do you bring yourself back to a more center and structured way of thinking so you can navigate those moments?:
Yeah, thanks for asking. One of the big ones for me, like if I'm going through something really heavy, like I think I told you, personally, I had a massive crash over Christmas, massive plummet, you know, a whole bunch of stuff came at me. But you know, stuffs coming at us all the time. But I went into reaction rather than respond, mostly because it just kept coming. You know, when you have a real run of what, whatever it is bad luck, or bad messages from the universe, a whole bunch of stuff came up all at once, and it all exploded, and I fell in the heap. But what I do when I do fall in a bit of a heap, or a big heap, is I put on my meditation music. I'll just Google meditation, music and pick a different one each time, you know, I've got some favorites that have certain sequences or violins or piano that, that make me cry, you know, certain tunes that, for some reason, I'll cry as soon as they come on, you know. And what I do is I get the journal out, and I brain dump everything. He said, she said, they did I feel well, but let's just dump it all out on paper. And I say to people, you can burn it, you can screw it up and throw it away. You can tear it into 1000 pieces, where you can leave it in your journal, whatever works for you. Yeah. But I use the music to cry, because it will I'm actually quite musical. I mean, it works for most people anyway, but but I've had a lot of musical background and, you know, certain pieces of music. As soon as they come on, I'm there, you know, and I need that release. I need that. That cry, because so often the anxiety is from pushing it down, isn't it? You know?Ian Hawkins:
100%? Yeah. Yeah. Well said thank you for sharing that. And I know you listen, you've listened to a fair few, but the listeners would have heard me talk about that. A fair bit. They just journal Brain Dump. Yes. stuff out of your head out. Yeah. Such a powerful exercise.:
And even if that ends up with you punching a pillow or squeezing a pillow over your face, or you know whether it's anger or sadness or whatever, it's got to come out. Yeah, can I just quickly show you I've got something to show you. Hang on. It's a prop.Ian Hawkins:
That's right. I'll just keep talking my favoriteUnknown Speaker:
prop and I don't have the water in it at the moment. I meant,Ian Hawkins:
but what I do for the listeners?:
Yes, yes, it's my favorite crop. And it's a little fishbowl, and I color the water with food coloring, and I get the tennis ball and I show the teenagers and the parents. Yeah, we push our emotions down, and we push them down and we push them down. And oh, look, they keep popping up to the surface. Sometimes they pop up to the surface at the worst possible time. And we end up screaming at mom or our sibling or our teacher or because we've been pushing down. And here's one we made earlier. And I've kept this because this was my original tennis ball, and built up so much pressure. It cracked, it totally cracked open. Yes, yeah, yeah. So yeah. And that's, that's a very powerful tool when you're working with, particularly kids and teens that we're pushing on fine. I'm fine. You know, and adults do it, too. I'm fine. I'm fine. Yeah, yeah. Hey, let's talk about that.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah, yeah. And from my experience of working with people that have anxiety, it's very much is the suppression of the anger and the sadness that that brings about more anxiety, it's sort of, it's counterintuitive to what you would think would be the case. But that's just what happens when we don't deal with, with our emotions, we all tend to go different directions. So I get more toward depress sort of state when I'm suppressing. For others, people, they might tend to be more of an anxious state. For some people like yourself, it can be a bit of both, which I which I imagine would contribute significantly to that sort of bipolar sort of feel that you described.:
Yeah, probably linked. I'm not sure. I don't know enough about it. I'm slowly researching it again, just for my own, for my own benefit, and for some of the people I work with, you know, soIan Hawkins:
I've got the question from Princess. Asking what why, why are you hiding yourself away from the world?:
Ah, okay. I'm being a bit too much cat pets. Just slinking off into the background?Ian Hawkins:
Yeah. Well, my kind of thought was like, I feel like you've got more books in here. So what's the big message that you want to share? What's the what's the big stuff that you really want to share to the world?:
It's a, it's a big message about you can change your life, you know, and that's what emoji was about. Here's, here's a bunch of strategies. You know, I'm in a lot of groups where people say, Oh, this happened. And that happened. And you know, and everyone chimes in and says, Oh, that's so bad. And he's a router and then an engineer. And, you know, and I think, okay, we're still in story. You know, we're still in and I've been there, I've drowned and wallowed in my story for way too long. And as you say, because we don't know, what we don't know, once we start getting the tools. By reading by doing courses by working with a coach by listening to podcasts, you know, once we get those tools, it's like the whole world opens up, you know, something as simple as one we do in schools is the fixed and growth mindset. So if I've got a fixed mindset, you know, I see the world X Y, Zed, and if I have a growth mindset, I'm opening up my mind. What's she doing?Ian Hawkins:
She's, I can show you my word for it. She's sitting alone. So she's, she's looking at Yep. Can you see that picture? The barley picture of Oh, yeah, yeah. Rice Fields. On something out there. The blind.Unknown Speaker:
While we're looking at the blind, Ah, she's just giving me a big yawn. So, so by blocking out the world, and not allowing people to see your full expression of yourself, it's actually raining you. Yeah. Okay. So that's the thinking. And I'm gonna guess you're more of the extroverted side, which is, which is the performer? Yeah. It's like why why are we not seeing you mentioned the videos, why are we not seeing more videos from you share more of your magic going out to the world?:
All right. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So I mean, sometimes you get that impostor syndrome known to well, Oh, whatever. You know, I'm just another coach is got more of the same, you know, but but then I don't you know, I have been able to present it in a very simple way that is helping a lot of people. So more than more videos. Yeah,Ian Hawkins:
yeah. 100%. And I'll do it awesome at all yet. So when when you hang out a lot in this space, you know, the people in the coaching industry go. It's a it's a saturated market and you know the competition is high. And it's like, it's just garbage. It's like when we were in television, and we would watch, we would watch the TV. We've got this on again. And it's like, we have to keep reminding ourselves. We have it on all day. But our viewers are watching for one hour. They're tuning in for one hour. And think of how many people now searching for answers after the last three, four years. Been through? Yeah, they want and they want unique and they weren't real. They weren't roar. I don't want this polished. You know, like television, almost perfect thing because life's not want that. We want to see, I've mentioned it on here many times before, some of the best receive stuff that I've done has been me talking about the things that I've got horribly wrong, whether it was my head on a tree, or the times where I've been really hard on myself in all of these different circumstances. They're the ones that people go are cool. You are human like this, you know, that you put up with all the positivity? It's like, yes, because I miss it as a whole. But we also need to share. Well, we were we're also human, and we've got stuff going on. And there will be been more ready to hear it. So. Yeah,:
I'm looking forward by example. Yeah.Ian Hawkins:
I'm looking forward to seeing what, what, what else we've got from you coming up in greater value.Unknown Speaker:
Thank you. That's great. Thank you.Ian Hawkins:
You're welcome. So is there anything else from your story that you'd love to share? Or just a message for our listeners, before we wrap this up, Sharon?:
Yes, sure. So you know, we've just touched on some of the graefes grieves groups that I went through, you know, there's been others too. You know, I lost a baby. I lost a good friend who my son is named after. And I remember. Was it pat that? Yes, somebody somebody conceived the baby when the person died? We had exactly that. In our family. Yeah, it was, it was really sure the exact weekend, you know, I I grieved for many years about a boy who I was in love with a 12. And then we both moved to Malaysia because we were Air Force, and he was already with someone else. And I grieved and grieved, you know, all my life for that boy, you know, like, so many things that are so powerful, that some people might laugh at that. But that was a massive lifetime of grief for me. And we met again, when I was in my 50s. And it wasn't to be for various reasons. And so you know, yeah, to a certain extent, I still grieve that so we can grieve for lost love, we can grieve for people who've passed for a child that wasn't born and for divorce, and, but, you know, we can also live we can also have that story, but practice all these strategies to be well, you know, I refuse to wallow in my story any longer. So I gave up the drink, I exercise I eat well. I recently stopped scrolling in the mornings. You know, I've talked about it for a long time, and I've told other people to do it. But I still will pick up my phone and check in Oh, who's sent me a message overnight or whatever. But now, I pick it up. I move it to another place in the house. I don't even open it. And I do my morning ritual, my my walk my stretches my meditation, my journaling, whatever it is, I mix it up. Sometimes I read, you know, but yeah, we've, it's, you know, the old This one's used a lot But Einstein saying you know, do the same thing and expect a different result is insanity. Okay, so how can I do this differently? So my message is, you can create your life. You know, it's not just about finding you itself, it's about creating yourself. And I think it's about both. It's finding your way to you to yourself to drop the masks and to stop pushing down to be yourself. But it's also, okay, well, I don't like the fact that I talk too much or that I don't listen enough or whatever it is, you know, how can I change that? How can I do that differently? And what strategies could I put in place for that? I have a little, a little love heart hanging in my car that says, Listen, to remind me to listen. Yeah, and ask questions. Yeah, and not always be the storyteller. Because the storytellers are often people who come from anxiety. So we love you know, and I can pick up I can see them, but sometimes I forget that I am them. So yeah, but create yourself, start somewhere, anywhere. Start with the strategies that en suggesting that I'm suggesting, grab a copy of the book, most of the profits go to charity anyway, so yeah, but there's so much out there, go to a secondhand bookshop, and go to the personal development Health Wellness section, and just start with something. It'll change your life.Ian Hawkins:
Yeah, absolutely. Don't get stuck in the repeating story, creating magic, magic. No, good. Sharon. That was wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing your story, hopefully in a different way than you've shared it before. I appreciate you sharing your wisdom. Highly recommend to people if they're looking for a really simple book around anxiety to check out emoji. You can find it on Amazon, Amazon. Yep. And where else can people find you, Sharon, if they want to see more of your work?:
Um, Facebook, just message me just message Sharon Tumelo. I'm very easy to find. There's only apparently two of us in the world on Facebook at least. So yet, so super easy to find. I'm on other platforms as well, but predominantly Facebook. And yet just to send me a message, reach out and we'll start with a chat anytime.Ian Hawkins:
Love it. Thank you. Appreciate it. Thank you.:
Thank you for having me. And thank you to Princess for the messages. I am heeding those messages. I love it.Ian Hawkins:
She's literally sitting at the door now ready to go. So everything that she needed to be passed on was so that's cool.Unknown Speaker:
Well, she's telling me to be at the door ready to go toIan Hawkins:
oh, they do a video today. Thanks.Unknown Speaker:
Thanks for your time.Ian Hawkins:
I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Grief Code podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Please share it with a friend or family member that you know would benefit from hearing it too. If you are truly ready to heal your unresolved or unknown grief. Let's chat. Email me at info at Ian Hawkins coaching.com You can also stay connected with me by joining the Grief Code community at Ian Hawkins coaching.com forward slash The Grief Code and remember, so that I can help even more people to heal. Please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform