Ep 374 - Grief Transcends All Perspectives with Tracee Dunblazier

Ian Hawkins 0:02

Are you ready, ready to release internal pain to find confidence, clarity and direction for your future, to live a life of meaning, fulfillment and contribution to trust your intuition again, but something's been holding you back, you've come to the right place. Welcome. I'm a Ian Hawkins, the host and founder of The Grief Code podcast. Together, let's heal your unresolved or unknown grief by unlocking your grief code. As you tune into each episode, you will receive insight into your own grief, how to eliminate it and what to do next. Before we start by one request. If any new insights or awareness land with you during this episode, please send me an email at info at the Ian Hawkins coaching.com. And let me know what you found. I know the power of this work, I love to hear the impact these conversations have. Okay, let's get into it.

Today's interview with Tracy Dornblaser. She talks about how she's passionate about educating people around grief about what it is how it impacts and the positive elements, how to deal with it, what she called in reframing, grief. So giving you an actual structure and process to follow so that you can understand what's going on. And realize just how the moments from your past, whether they be moments with someone passing or even the most subtle moments create grief, they create a loss. And as she described, that kind of grief underlies all other things, transcends all perspectives. And so it'll give you a greater awareness of just how much grief does show up in your life and how you navigate it. Enjoy this chat. Hey, everyone. Today's guest Tracy, Dornblaser. Tracy, how are you?

Unknown Speaker 2:07

I am wonderful, thank you.

Ian Hawkins 2:10

Great to hear now. Another author in our midst today. And we're excited to be unpacking this one. Your book, most recent book is into your ninth book, transformative grief and ancient ritual of healing for modern times. Now, just before we jumped on you talked about the one of the great intentions for this book was to help people like you're educating people around in grief, you're, you're reframing grief. So in a way that people understand what it is and just how beneficial this education is. So please do share that passion for this book and and for that education piece for the world.

Speaker 2 2:54

Absolutely. We have been conditioned to dishonesty about our feelings when somebody asks us how we are and we're not having a good day we're we're more likely to say Oh, fine. Thanks. You know, I live in Hollywood and that's that's it don't don't tell somebody the truth. Tell them what you think they want to hear what's come what's comfortable for everybody? And well that's that's not helpful. It doesn't it, it, it it completely disqualifies any possible good communication after that comes after that. Because you've not been honest from the very beginning. But grief is something that oftentimes we have been conditioned to relate to death and loss. And grief is something that happens every day for us. It could it could happens with disappointment, it happens with exhilaration and excitement. It happens you know, you buy a new car and you're gonna grieve the loss of the old one or the loss of the experience taking the bus or whatever you're leaving behind, you're leaving something behind to transcend into a new behavior, a new experience of life and you've got to let go of the old connections and beliefs and emotions connected to that and open up to the new ones and grief is the way we do that. They breathe this information down through our body and allows us to shift our lens and the way that we look at life.

Ian Hawkins 4:26

Love it and I love that we're talking the same language I get I do get regular questions and this has been one of my projects for the last six months lost the questions around grief and they're not really sure you know what the story is and what you just described there that that's it. It's like any sense of loss when even when we go on our own journey right and we grow we there's there's a daily or maybe minute by minute grieving every time an old part of us sheds that we no longer need.

Speaker 2 4:58

Absolutely, absolutely. I I remember when I first came to LA, I had a truck and I practically I live actually, not practically I did in fact live in my truck for the first six months here and I, you know, couch surfed with my friends. And when that truck died, it literally both both head gaskets blew up, and I rolled off the freeway.

Unknown Speaker 5:19

Wow.

Speaker 2 5:21

And so it was my first experience of going to purchase a car all by myself. It was a real, it was a real first experience for me. So I bought this Toyota Corolla. So I'd had that Corolla, I don't know, two or three, four years whenever I'd had it. And it was an older car too. So when I finally got to transition into it, a brand new vehicle, my first very, my very first brand new vehicle, I resisted letting go of the Corolla, I kept it, I paid two payments, I did all of these weird things, which I didn't quite understand until the day I finally let it go. And the person drove away in my Corolla. And I fell to my knees. And I just wailed, because I, and I didn't realize the profound attachment that I had had to all of the first experiences that came with that car, and all the memories and all the, you know, transitions and all these different things that had been happening that, you know, I'm sure I grieved some of them, but I never really recognize the attachment to the car, and what that car meant to me. And then where did that leaves me now, as it's driving away.

Ian Hawkins 6:34

So good, in my mind straightaway goes to when we, we got some renovations done here was probably seven, eight years ago, and a moment for both, both of our young children at the time, just getting really emotional. Like, because we're excited about it was and we never asked for this, we never wanted this in the first place. Right. So they were grieving the loss of the old, the old toy room, the old, the old parts of the house that they were they'd grown up in, and we have these moments all through our life. And, you know, the I think you said before we jumped on, like the education piece around this. And it's it's not just don't don't get upset about that. That's not a that's trivial. It's not it's not a big deal. It's like, but that's just missing our genuine feelings around different situations.

Speaker 2 7:23

Right. And it's an illusion of positivity. Yes. You know what I mean? Like, I mean, any positive is being hopeful, is being truthful is is having walked through that uncomfortable moment, and gotten through it, and now looking in the new light that has come because of it, you know?

Ian Hawkins 7:44

Yeah, absolutely. Now, when I asked you who around, you know, what was that sort of big moment for your own grief? And you said, Well, we had a bit of a laugh, like a sarcastic laugh, because you're like, oh, there's just been so much. I want to ask around, specifically around this inspiration for this book, what was the big moment that that led you to realize that I need to share this message with more people, particularly those empaths, which are a high percentage, if not all, maybe they don't know yet, or the listeners are particularly sensitive to other people's stuff. So yeah, please do share.

Speaker 2 8:22

So I was born multi spirited, which means I had many soul souls that came in with me. And some of them, some of them were guides, some of them were actual souls I was carrying, and then some were my relationship to past past lives. And all of that led me to this experience of experiencing grief every single day. And for many decades, an enormous amount of grief every day to the point at which I couldn't, I didn't communicate it with about it with my family, because they didn't really understand. And then when I think when I was about 30, I had I had just arrived here in LA. And that's when I started working as a spiritualist. It was something that I had always been, I've always been psychic, and I'd always channeled, I'd always done these things. But I've not ever shared that with anyone. So finally I started sharing it. And then that turned into a career which I never anticipated. And it was when I really began to understand that grief is a daily part of our lives. And witnessing like that, that was my role with people, people would come and sit down on my couch and burst into tears. Like they hadn't cried in years, but the minute they get in my presence, because that's the nature of the energy going on for me. They just let it all out. And then they would have these enormous epiphanies of like self acceptance or understanding or, you know, recognition of the aha moment of this is what to do next. Right, all of these different experiences and I thought this one You know, gosh, am I so lucky, I'm so lucky to be able to have this experience witnessing all these people in their epiphanies, but, but this is what life is about. And it's, it's, we have to start thinking about grief as a transcendent, magical experience, you know, some of the best advice somebody ever gave me, she said, Tracy, when you cry, cry as loud as you can cry out to the heavens, make sure they hear you. And when I started to do that things, really, I no longer felt stuck, I no longer felt ashamed, I no longer felt broken. I think that's one of the things that when you know, our cultures, like to encourage people to think that they're broken, and that they need to fix themselves. Grief, is integrating all that we are into this time in place. And if that's that's the message of this book, is that as you embrace grief in the little ways, you can also eliminate a lot of the huge grief responses to things that where it doesn't make sense, you know, and you can navigate your large, you know, the big losses, you can navigate those things more effortlessly. Because you're you start to feel pride because of it, you know, you start to recognize its purpose. And when you when something has a purpose that allows you to, you know, embrace it.

Ian Hawkins: 11:43

So good. I feel like this is gonna be one of these chats that want to go on for hours and hours, because I've got so many questions just from that small piece, just then you highlighted something that, again, the audience, all of them that will already appreciate, maybe not as fully as you've articulated, but it's the ability for those of us who have that ability to be a safe space for people. We don't even need to say anything, often. It's just our ability to lighten the load, because we take on that energy of whatever people are going through to provide them this safe space, lighten the load to make sense of it themselves. Right. And that's the superpower of the empath. Right?

: 12:29

It is. And I you know, it's interesting. So in this, the book is, I don't know, I can't write a small book that is just that is the bane of my existence. We need to have to have this many pages, and then there's always 100 more. So I wanted to cover. It's really a manual for grief, because I wanted to cover everyday grief, to grieving murder and homicide to how you address suicide, how you address addiction, and illness and chronic illness. You know, they're all of these things that in life that we grieve, and we have to and we have to grieve them every day. And then sometimes we have to help other people grieve. And I bring that up, because it was it was really interesting to put all of that on paper. And as I did, one of the things I realized is a lot of times people feel like, gosh, if if my friend is grieving, I don't know what to say to them. And you don't really have to say anything at all. In fact, saying nothing is better than saying something trivial to diminish the experience. Like if somebody dies saying that they're in a better place. Well, you know what, I don't know where they are now. But the bottom line is they're not here and I and it hurts my heart. Yep. Yeah. It's the willingness to sit in that strange, uncomfortable silence, while somebody just opens their hearts and lets the tears come. And that's where we all have to learn that.

Ian Hawkins: 14:05

Yeah, because people don't know what to say. And then they try and the old pattern is, I'm going to dive in. And I'm going to say something like, right? It's actually a great teacher on lithium, Chris, often people don't necessarily want to talk but they don't want to be left alone in that grief

Unknown Speaker: 14:21

either. Right.

Ian Hawkins: 14:23

So I have a couple of questions around what you talked about about in there being a spiritual guide. You said you had other souls come through with you or multiple souls? How do you learn that? I'm sure that's not something you're aware of from a young age or is it like how do you actually get a realization of that being the case?

: 14:48

You know, it was literally I was never alone. I never felt alone. I had many, many different people with me. I had Many different ethnicities, Asian, Black, African black American. I had I was like I looked I watched an experienced life through their eyes. That's That's my dog. That's my precious. That's that's Coloma Aloma.

Ian Hawkins: 15:20

Yeah. Just let it letting you know she was with you in the past life as well.

: 15:29

I know, you're just gonna have to sit there and suck it up.

Ian Hawkins: 15:35

Interestingly, why puppy doesn't always come in for these, but he made sure he was here for this one. He's, he's down on the ground there as well. Oh. So when you say you had all these different people, are you saying that like, you could actually see them? And they weren't part of the physical world or you just talking about life in general at that point?

: 15:56

No, they were they were spirits that were with me. And how that presented to me was I never felt alone. And I was acutely aware of looking through the eyes of these other people, not just my eyes, not just me. And you know, I grew up I was born in the 60s. And you know, I was born a white girl and in the 60s, and you know, peep are my folks were, my folks weren't racist, but their parents were racist. And, you know, people would say they, my grandmother, one time asked me for something and she used a used use the N word. And I just welled up in tears, I was probably four or five years old. And I looked at my mom, like, I don't even know what she's asking me for. And my mom explained. But I was horrified. And I was heartbroken. Because the others the spirits of the other spirits in my in, in my space, were hurt by that. were disgusted by that right angered by that, right. So I had all of these feel feelings. And then me as the as the the person I was, I was ashamed for her. You know what I mean, I experienced much shame for her. And I was having all of this experience. I cried a lot. That was one of the things that I when it got to be too much, I cried. And that's one of the things that helped me bring up each spirit and its connection and attachment to me so that I could find a way to heal it and allow it to move on, which is what I did a series of those throughout my life. And every time I completed the grieving and sometimes the grieving could could take well not could it did, in fact, take years. And then there were the daily life experiences. And then then there was the lift this life experiences. There's a lot of different life experiences on top of that one spiritual trauma that I was sharing with that spirit. So that it wasn't it wasn't until the last spirit left me that I really felt who I was singularly because before I always I always was aware. And and people would respond to me in ways that I that I know that if this other spirits weren't there, they probably wouldn't have. And I was aware of that. But it wasn't until I became singular in that moment. I was like, oh, okay, that's, that's, that's what it's that's what it's been.

Ian Hawkins: 18:40

You know? Yeah, that's good. And the other, like, more logical for those listening would be how often we're processing for other people from a young age. So your, your, why you bring out that emotion that, like, where's that come from? doesn't necessarily make sense, right? It's that empathic ability to drag it out of even parents and orphans, been doing it your whole life, which is why we get to these older ages and have patterns like people pleasing and volunteering, right and only spends because we've actually been valued for this incredible gift we have for helping others to process. So thank you for sharing that. So what was the catalyst then that you started doing? You started bringing that knowing that that that healing that you described to the world what what was the shift that took you from all these other careers that you mentioned before we jumped on to just start prioritizing that

: 19:47

when you say to start prioritizing, you mean working with other people doing this? Yeah, it was it was kind of coming out of the closet, like literally like I was a closet psychic. You know, I mean, I had I had maybe I had Do friends that I talked about it with, up until I was 30. And then somehow when I moved here to LA, I was working in marketing. And I told one of my colleagues that, that I did readings, and then I did a reading for her. And then she led me to our super our boss, who said, Oh my god, we'll do readings for a gift with purchase. And in the mall I saw I was I started my career doing being a gift with purchase. But what was what was what was amazing to me is that when that happened, every event that I did in those first six months professionally, people lined up out the door. Like, it's it, the response was not rational, was and it was completely unexpected. And every person that sat down even for a five minute conversation, they would end up in tears, or tell me their deepest secret, or tell me something that they'd never told anybody ever before. And, you know, there it was, these it were these healing catharsis, that kept coming up for every single person that I was like, Oh, this is, this is this is good, like, whatever this is, I'm gonna, I'm gonna follow this. And then very shortly, the, the company I worked for got sold, and my job went away. So at that point, I had created enough of a customer base and, and found some other places to do this work. And so for the first year, I did 12 hour days, seven days a week for one year. Exactly. Wow, I was kind of like my, my higher education of being.

Ian Hawkins: 21:44

It's funny, you say not logical that you would get cues like that. But I think what it shows is that people are more curious about this part of them than they will generally lead on in, in their peer group. Yeah, and yet, and yet, if you've had any experience, you know, the comfort of being told it's validation, right of what you already know. And then having someone just validate that, and like you described a space to talk about things that you haven't discussed anywhere else, like, a gift for people. No wonder they end up in tears.

: 22:19

Yeah, it was it was it was powerful. It was very powerful. When we were talking last night, and I was I was reminiscing on this. In that year, times, people would often bring their kids to me, usually, you know, 6789 10 years old, and this young man had come and I, he was probably about 10. And he did a little reading with him. And I was just talking to him about life and spirituality. And we had finished our time is up. And I said, so. You know, is there anything? Did you have any other questions before you go? And he said, Yes. Why did my mother die? Wow. It's just like, ah, you know, that was that was a, that was my cue, you know, we were jacking like, Okay, well, sorry, the time's up. You know, what it was, it was my cue to really help him understand that it wasn't because of him. Because that's on some level, something had happened, that he was left with this illusion, which oftentimes kids are that somehow if they had done something different, their parent or sibling wouldn't have died. And so we got to have that conversation. And, you know, he says, as any child he's out there kind of just blank faced. But But I know that he received it. And and I know he left, you know, a different, a different young man. You know, he said, There was a turning point in that moment for him just in the permission to feel free to grieve to be safe enough to grieve.

Ian Hawkins: 23:58

And the Goosebumps I got through that part is like, yeah, absolutely. What a shame for him. And I would say that that's not just reserved for children, like every moment of grief when someone passes. There's a certain level of guilt because that exact conversation, what if I'd done something different, right? These have all changed. It's that letting go of control or sense of control. The way I had that, my lungs go off through that around that moment, I was drawn to the part of your story where you said you lost your dad at 11 So what did you not get through that time at 11 that you're able to then so easily pass on to to that young man?

: 24:49

Well, the interesting thing for me is I knew two years before my father died, he was not sick, but I got a I got an epiphany He was going to die today. No, because I mean, no. I, I was always, I was always who I am today and the most painful part is I couldn't be who I who I am today in a in a as a little person. Yeah, that was that was my struggle, the wisdom or the knowledge or the foresight or whatever, that wasn't the problem communicating it. And being embraced because of it was something that finally came as as I grew older, but you know, you don't ever want no it all seven year old. Doesn't over go go over well, no. But I had that epiphany. And then from after I grieved that night. I didn't agree. But I didn't really grieve again, I was very disassociated. This is I want to use the word disassociated, but it was it was kind of like nighttime, I would cry and cry myself to sleep every night and have, you know, tormented dreams. But during the day I was everybody's helper, everybody's, you know, whatever somebody needed, I wanted to be there for them for that. And I did a lot of leadership things in my parochial years. Because that was very important to me. And I guess it gave it gave me an outlet. And I didn't really understand the impact. If I had been 12, or 13, when my father died, it would have been a very different dynamic. I'm the youngest of three girls, and both of the other girls had already had a bonding with my father that I never had, because I was pre pubescent. And so it was very, I was very zen about it, you know, as as an older person as I got into my 20s, late 20s. That was when I really processed what that meant to me and what I what I missed out because of it. You know, grieving that what I missed out because of it.

Ian Hawkins: 27:02

That's a big one. Yeah. And so I'd love to hear more about your thoughts on that. Because it's like, then we get over the initial part. But then it's a gift that keeps giving not always in a good way where it's like, Oh, what if I'd had a dad there? Or what if that person had been around? What if that was different? And so how did that play out for you, that sort of came to head in those late 20s.

: 27:27

So it did so. So two things. One, one thing in the book, I call this the three circles of grief. The first circle is the is the event, the trauma itself, so that was my father's death. The second thing is all of those choices we make because of the trauma. And in this case, you know, the hardest thing for me is that my sisters left the house pretty quickly, I was there with my mom. And it was just the two of us and she was depressed. And she she grew up in a family where you just didn't grieve that it was weakness, they were taught it was weakness, they it was considered mental illness because there's mental illness in, in my family. And so any kind of emotional expression was looked at as weakness. And that that was difficult. And so the loss of my father, my and a lot of a lot of parents know this, if you if you were in a two parent dynamic and one parent dies, the child oftentimes because they're safer with the parent that's left behind, they take it out on them. And so my mother and I had a very poor relationship. We were not close at all, I was very emotional, and she didn't understand it. But the interesting thing that happened when my late 20s Is I realized I wanted to heal that relationship with my mom. And I sought to do that. And one of the things that there was always this energy of oh, there's two really important things, I'll say this and will hopefully remember the other one. My mother I knew that she didn't want to have another child, I was the third and I was unexpected. And that always weighed on me. I could I literally could feel it in my shoulders. And I finally said to her one day we were having happy hour. I had come home for the holidays. And we were sitting around the kitchen table and I said so you know when you got pregnant with me? Did you want to have me and she says, Oh, you know, trace I love you? And I'm like no, I that's not my question. Did you want to get pregnant? She said no, no, I didn't. And I said Ah, and she freed me. She freed me. Because I had I was born two months early. I was a preemie in the 60s and that was you know that's That was dangerous. But I was on a mission to be here and you And, and she was my entry point. And I didn't, you know, I I always sensed that that sense of unconscious resentment, that when we finally talked about it, she could embrace the fact that she did feel that way and forgive herself for it and let it go. And I could, I could then embrace her because she had been honest with me, and, you know, I was going to come through regardless of what she wanted, you know what I mean? So, I mean, I, that's when I look at it spiritually, like I was gonna be here no matter what. So I was, you know, it allowed us both to be empowered in this in the moment. And the epiphany that once once that healing with my mother came, the epiphany about my father was, there is no way I could have been his daughter, with any more years with him. Or with them, I was too independent. Too high. This is, this is Charlotte,

Ian Hawkins: 31:02

introducing yourself. Pay attention to me.

: 31:07

This is her hour. So this is this is always the time in the evening where she comes to sit on my lap. So she's going to join us today, if you don't mind,

Ian Hawkins: 31:15

of course, that's fine.

: 31:19

The interest is the thing that really occurred to me is, if I had been closer emotionally with either of my parents, it would have imprinted me in a way that would have put me in conflict every day of my life with myself. Because I could not, you know, they were they were good hearted people. But they, you know, they, they, they had their own stuff going on. And they my father absolutely would have tried to impress that upon me, his beliefs, his ideas, and he was he was actually I think the, the, his mother was highly intuitive. And he was into spiritual things. And I think we could have shared that. But I think politics, other other worldly other. I want to say to have not other worldly, that's where we agreed, but in the in the daily life things we would have been in conflict a lot about a lot of things and that as an empath, that wouldn't have been good for me. I mean, so it made complete sense why I would create a family upbringing, and be in this very isolated and solitary position. You know, it actually gave me an enormous amount of freedom to be myself and embrace myself, because I never needed other people's approval. Like that was the one thing I did have.

Ian Hawkins: 32:39

Yeah, nice. So, so tell me we talk a lot on this podcast in the interviews around signs. Does did your dad or does your dad still give you signs? That?

: 32:54

Um, no, not not anymore. Um, one of the best sides it was actually, I, I've had other experiences, but this this was the one experience that and then I was I was probably in my mid 20s. No, where was I? I was in Los Angeles. And so I had to have been, I was probably around 30. And I was dating a guy that wasn't a good person. He was not a good person. He was very cute, but he was not a good person. And I remember I was sitting, I was going to meet him for coffee, and I was sitting at a Starbucks. And I think that he was late and then he didn't show up. And I was sitting there with my coffee and it's been 15 minutes. He's that that's how late he is. And my dad, all of a sudden, I saw my dad do this. Which he was very, he was very funny and very sarcastic. And that was his way

Ian Hawkins: 33:59

to thumbs up for the listeners.

: 34:03

Like, good job with this one. Nice. sarcastic, I laughed. I cried in that moment. And I think that, I mean, I knew that of this person that that wasn't necessarily a shock, but it but it allowed me to move, move away from any fantasy that this person would be anything about that, you know what I mean? He's always going to be himself and I don't you know, I didn't we stayed friends for a little while, but, but it made it clear to me like that.

Ian Hawkins: 34:33

He had so good. He, you'll understand this. I felt when you were talking about that time with your dad's passing but specifically in around your mum, like a real strong anxiety around that. Whether you mum, like an anxious person.

: 34:52

Yes. Or yeah, yeah, I mean, yeah, now that you say that, um, I don't know. that I ever thought that of her but she, that those years she be she was a chain smoker.

Ian Hawkins: 35:06

That's usually goes hand in hand. Right? That's the it eases the anxiety. It completely

: 35:11

does so, so yes. Yeah. And she didn't she did she rarely felt her deeper motives. She was very good with anger, anger was her go to. Yep. Anything?

Ian Hawkins: 35:24

Yep. So being the empath and then and then spending a lot of time with her and I imagine if your older sisters moved out, then you were probably doing a lot of supporting her inadvertedly as well as consciously. How did that dealing with someone who was anxious? Maybe again, you're not you wouldn't have recognized at the time, but just thinking about it now. Like how did that impact you growing up through those teen years?

: 35:52

Yeah, it was profoundly difficult because every time i i would be overwhelmed with her and her unexpressed emotion, and then she would get angry at me, because she didn't know how she didn't know what to do for me. Because then she felt obligated to try to do something for me, but then she didn't know it. So it just reminded of her of her powerlessness. And so that that's just what we did. We we that just, that was our whole dynamic for that that probably six years. Interestingly enough, as as spirit would have it, when I was 17, I graduated high school. She got married, and they moved me out of the house into an apartment, and he moved in. Wow, yeah. And but that was, that was perfect. Like, that was, I was I was, it was expected, I knew that I would move out and I wanted to move out. And I wanted that space between us so that we can we can have a better relationship, because living together was just painful. She, she needed to be with somebody. So I was glad she found somebody, you know,

Ian Hawkins: 37:07

yeah. What you described there around the impact of the impact can have on their parents and other people in their world about, like, they don't know what to do. So it takes away their power that that's like really struck a chord with me, because I feel like that was my experience as well as was that so emotional, and bringing out other people's stuff? And if and if you're listening, and you think you've had might have had some uncomfortable situations with parents over the years, it's like, well, sometimes what we hold up a mirror all too clearly for them around the things that perhaps aren't going right. And that can be really confronting so I really thank you for sharing that. Now my right here, which means your left hip, but sort of more like inner thigh sort of area is really playing up since you started talking about that moving out part so so what is that?

: 38:03

Oh, that is so interesting, because oh my god, I just I don't know what I did to myself. But this uh, I plan i Right now I am I just finished the grief book. I'm working on another series of books called your crystal allies. And it's a it's a alter card deck, alter card and Oracle deck and then for books. And, and I have chosen to do these traveling expos and different events one every month since January. And anyway, so I've never been this busy in my life. And I'm holding I'm holding on for dear life. But I like every day. I'm like, What? What were you thinking? But the point is, is I was in Sedona, Arizona. Last month, where are we we are in April. So I was in just a couple of weeks ago. And the day that I got there. I my left hip was bothering me. So I decided to call on a healing for myself and I went and got a massage. And I left that place. I literally had no more muscle memory in the entire back of my leg.

: 39:15

So you couldn't walk. I couldn't walk what?

: 39:19

And then I had to go and work and that I got to that. The whole next day I stumbled around and luckily there were enough folks there to help me. And it got a little better, but it was excruciatingly painful. And it wasn't when I started to leave. When I left Sedona I was probably there five days. So when I got in the car I drove so when I got in the car to drive, somehow leaving, I was leaving something behind there something got pulled right out of me. And it definitely is about moving forward and interesting. I hadn't related it to my father but that makes perfect sense. Because it I feel like it's all My relationship to men, my relationship to money, my real, not even just me, but my, like my mother's relationship to those things, you know, she got married, because that's what you did. That's how you survived, you know, women in the 50s. And still in the 60s, even though that was the time when, when there was a whole awakening for gender equality, you know, it's still today a struggle for some people. And that entire time in Sedona that's all we talked about was was women and their relationship to money, their ownership, their ability to have ownership their their own power. And yeah, so that way I, I am re retraining that from the ground up, evidently.

Ian Hawkins: 40:50

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yep. That's, as you already know, there's some more to unpack there. Now, you mentioned to me before we came on, so I'm going to assume that it's okay to talk about what happened when you're 18. Was that a product of like, was that more of this falling into these sort of relationships that perhaps weren't the right thing? Or was this completely random event where, where what unfolded there for you?

: 41:28

So spirit, so a lot of the spirits that that were traveling with me, were related to multiple past lives, where I had been sex trafficked, or abuse deeply in some way. And then ultimately, I've used myself with drugs and alcohol, to the point at which and then I was murdered. So I, in that this is all past life stuff. Obviously, I'm obviously I'm here right now. So when at at 18, when I was raped it was somebody I knew it was it was completely a date rape, it was somebody I trusted, but I, I had not entered I was a virgin, I hadn't entered into any kind of sexual relationship, because I understood for myself, when that happened, a whole a whole other set of things were going to come online, which was all of these spiritual imprints at this point, they were haunting us. Right? But that, that that rate, opened it up to this psycho spiritual emotional relationship to all of those things, and then having to confront my sexuality on top of it. So it was it was multi leveled, but the this life experience, I had the opportunity to, ultimately eventually confront him. You know, he, he apologized, and then 10 years later, we saw each other one more time and I was able to now I was able to complete the experience with him. So it was it was through those, through that that was the impetus for being able to address all of the other spiritual imprints that I had in relationship to, to men. Absolutely. I mean, I all the people that I dated were, I call them karmic relationships. You know, I think it's funny when people say you know, people when you're when you said fall into relationships, for me, I was always very conscientious that these that I needed to have these relationships with these people, because it was going to bring me the healing that I needed. And so the healing was the goal, more so than the relationship and I knew that and when that completed for me, like I've I've not dated for a few years now and I've loved every minute

Ian Hawkins: 44:08

the space

they keep Aloma. I would love to just ask some more questions in the aftermath of that if that's okay, how you process that and like the impact that had on you. You said you were a virgin at the time and there must have just been so much there that the first word that comes to mind is anger.

: 44:44

Oh my goodness, I was a ball of rage. But it's still I mean, I I carried so much karmic rage. That that's what came through and that's that was It was frightening. I mean, it was part of the reason why I didn't have a family or children, you know that at the time, there was no way I could really get into. And thank you. She will sit there and do that for hours, just just hours. So I went to New York City, that's what I did. I went to New York City. And New York was so magical for me, you know, New York sometimes really, either really embraces you, or it just takes you in, spit you right out. And it took me in and embraced me in a in a really beautiful way. And it gave me a place. And the people who could help me manage my my grief and my rage, who could laugh with me, who could, I felt I felt very empowered. And I had a lot of different outlets, creative outlets, to express how all all of the different feelings that I had. So that's what I did with it. And, you know, I lived in a rough part of town, and you know, at the time, I would walk, I remember walking from I was walking across Harlem, from east, from east to west, because I lived in in West Harlem, but it was like three in the morning, and I'm walking across 120/5 Street from Second Avenue. And in my mind, I'm like, Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead. And of course, nobody did, because I was crazy. You know, they're not going to, they look for victims, they don't look for crazy people. And I was, I was on fire and just that having those experiences of of being in a place to fully be, be me. You know, and then and then being having people be able to look at me, that was the other thing because I all the people that I grew up around could not couldn't fathom the depth of feeling that I had most of the time. And it was frustrating. And it was hurtful, because I could never really connect. So when I moved to New York City, everyone from just people on the street, people who were unhoused you know, the the, the local local hoodlums, you know, local criminals. Like I got it. I got along with everyone. And I felt seen for the first time in a particular way.

Ian Hawkins: 47:31

Yeah. Wow. And they probably did as well and heard when you talked about, like, just the overwhelm of emotions, that level of tiredness, almost dizziness, sort of over a que me. There was, was yeah, it was big. I mean, I know you like, the way I felt it was like you do a fair bit of energy management, but it still felt like it's quite a cross to bear for you. Today, just over your lifetime.

: 48:01

Oh, yes. Yes. I mean, it, it, it absolutely was, and I'm not on any level want to minimize it. But it's what's interesting. There's an interesting thing about grief that when you cry for 10 minutes or more, it actually changes the neurons in your brain. Yeah. And one of the and it leaves your neural circuitry prepared to repopulate with a new idea or feeling love. And because I have cried so much, and this is this is one of the reasons why I think on some unconscious level people resist crying is they don't want because it actually, you don't forget what happened. But you forget that powerful feeling that you had. Forget it, you don't need it anymore, you're done. But people don't want, they don't want to forget, they want to remember so that they don't repeat what happened. That's their way of trying to control it. safety mechanism. Wow, really. So they resist that. And so for me, like I really don't, even when I think about them, I mean, there were times where I wouldn't sleep for days. And I would cry for days. And the burden was just too much to bear. And I would you know, Spirit always sent me somebody, you know, bear would come to me and in in my dreams, I grid there was a grizzly bear that would come to me and when I hadn't slept in weeks at this point. And I was I mean, I just I was just a mess all the time. Like I was in the zone and finally said I need to sleep and I need help. I can't I can't sustain this. And so the grizzly came to me and I woke up in its arms. I was just, I felt so little petite in the big grizzly arms and I don't know it was it was it was a powerful experience and it just it really It was the little bit of a reminder, I needed to know that a it's going to be all okay. Eventually it's gonna I'm gonna get there, you know, keep keep moving, keep doing it. And that day came when that final last burden lifted off of me. And that was that was some I didn't know that it was interesting. But it was a whole new now there's a whole new set of things to navigate because now now I finally really understood how people saw me. Whatever, whatever they think of me by looking at me, I understood it, which I never saw it before, because I always had all of these other lenses I was looking through.

Ian Hawkins: 50:42

Yeah, so, to me, that's the tiredness that, that I was feeling is like that time when you were just completely exhausted and, and drawn to the fact that it was a bear, right? Like hibernation. It was like, you just need to rest. Exactly. mentally, emotionally, spiritually. And then of course, physically,

Unknown Speaker: 51:01

yes.

Ian Hawkins: 51:08

A bit of anxiety showed up there too. So was there a part of you that was like, Okay, well, now that I've no longer got all of those other things, like, was there like a bit of a who, who am I sort of question? And like, Okay, well, what do I do now?

: 51:24

Yeah. Yeah, because I think that what was left wasn't you know, when you when you, you know, I had, I had my entire upbringing until I was 35, I looked through the lens of black and brown people, Asian people, you know, multiple cultures. But I looked through that lens of all of these people who had been abused and marginalized by white people, indigenous. And so then I was just left being the white person. I was like, Oh, really? Okay. All right, well, we're gonna see how this works out. You know, but I didn't it was it was the one part of myself that I felt the less I felt the least comfort with. And connection with.

Ian Hawkins: 52:25

Right almost sorry keep going. No, no, go go go. I'm gonna say almost feels like it was an avoidance tactic in some respects because it shielded you from from that part. And every time you talking about several forget my lower back pinging which is usually around giving receiving creativity sometimes money so I don't know if if any of that sort of rings a bell but it's like if if this is who I am, they want what am I worth, right? What is what is my value to the world?

: 52:59

Right? I you know, I don't have the def I definitely have a relationship to money that I struggle with. But it's not it's not it definitely is like a karmic, a karmic pattern. Yeah. And interestingly enough, it's also relates to my relationship to food any any, like, key basic resource. I, my family in this in this life in this body. A great great, great uncle died in Auschwitz. And I learned that my mother my mother learned that I must have been six, seven or eight years old. And she shared that with me and the spirit of that man or that that that knowledge stayed with me and it really I used to hoard food as a kid and all of these strange things regarding food binge eat you know, I even if I wasn't hungry i i was always like, ah, but I I was always afraid there wasn't going to be another meal that wasn't ever true I've never gone without a sandwich in my life that that unconscious but but but what if you know what if what like even even today like you're in LA What if What if the earthquake happens you know, I've got got to make sure I've got everything that I need all of this hoarding or or having extra just just to make sure you have enough and I think that that bleeds over into my relationship to money i i do I manage money? Well, I make money well, but there is still this unconscious fear of but what if, then like that, I think is is a part of my left leg healing as well.

Ian Hawkins: 54:52

To me, nothing sums up just how little it's anyone's fault. These these patterns that come up and people waste too much. time and energy, like coming down on the cell is like our stuff these up again, why can I do this? It's like no, no, there's there's things playing out unconsciously the, like you just described then it's like, Oh, I'm gonna keep myself safe we're gonna hold things away and and generally that pattern of behavior is passed on not just energetically but in behaviors and yeah. So then so then you just end up repeating so much. So it's not, it's not our job to, to judge ourselves, but rather be aware of it and see how we can make those changes. So, again, I really, thank you for highlighting that Tracy, because that's a powerful message

I keep getting drawn to this. It's like unpacking more of this psychic ability, whether it's through a demonstration, or whether it's an explanation, but I, again, the listeners that would be aware that there are times when intuitively there is no things that are going to unfold, and and maybe they don't fully appreciate just what a gift that is, maybe they haven't allowed themselves to even label it as something like psychic, but there is definitely that ability to, to know what's coming, anticipate what's coming. So could you share a little bit about that? Because I know that there'd be people listening to this that would have an inkling but maybe don't have some context or structure around that to make sense of it or make it work in their favor?

: 56:44

Absolutely. You know, the first thing that I would say, is just for our conversation today. Let's take the idea of being a gift out of the situation. Yep. And think of it as something that is regular. That is just how we are. Yeah, no, you you're sitting here you are reading the up and down. You're you're you're we're having this conversation, but the 95% of the conversation you and I are having is here and here. Right? It's not about the words, it's about energy. Yeah.

Ian Hawkins: 57:22

Yeah, Martin, just so for the listeners, you couldn't see what you're doing with Yeah.

: 57:28

I sometimes I forget that. I'm just like, everybody can see everything. So that that is how we communicate. And people who don't think that they are psychic. Well, they're just wrong. They are, you know, they communicate with their kids and their loved ones and their boyfriends and their girlfriends. I mean, you know, the whole silent treatment is never silent, that there there is screaming going on, in the men, and everybody knows that. So let's, let's take a brief moment, just in this moment, right here now with everyone here and say, you know, this is just how it is. And that's okay. It's not great. It's not awful. It's just what it is. And if it can be average for you, for this moment, it might be okay to live a little more of that awareness of it in using using it use it, it's it's there for you, it's a part of who you are. Right?

Ian Hawkins: 58:26

So good. And we've all experienced those moments where we've gone into a room and it's like, Oh, what is going on with the energy in this space, like we won't sense and we've also sensed those places that just feel like home that feels like, so comforting, because it's the the opposite energy. So we've all experienced that. But then when it comes to wanting to name it, or, or claim it or anything, then people kind of back away, but it's like, oh, I would challenge the listeners to do this. If you're in one of those situations with a relationship where there are energetic things going out, be conscious of that, if there's something that you're not liking, just have a conversation with them gently and just ask that maybe I can get a bit of a shift. And if they require more blunt message, then do that too. And just see be open to seeing what plays out that might be a bit different.

: 59:12

Absolutely. Sometimes, sometimes all you need is a boundary here. You know, like you're going you're going home for Christmas, and you're like, you know what, I'm not dealing with Uncle Joe's bullshit, this time, I'm not doing it. Right. And you say that to yourself, well, that transmits to him. He gets that. And either he will want to mix it up with you and try to confront you or, or he will just be repelled and move away from you. They'll avoid you the whole time which is perfect. Right but that's what we how we teach people to treat us is by the boundary we claim in our own sovereign space.

Ian Hawkins: 59:49

So good. And what you're describing is what most people experience either people retreating away from them altogether, and they blame themselves or someone coming at them hard to try and get the reaction that they used to get, none of neither of which are pleasant experiences. Right? Your comes back to Okay, well, what can we control that ourselves through this to be able to get a more pleasant experience for ourselves, which will ultimately lead to a better experience for them when they are ready to?

: 1:00:19

Question, you know, is that true that, you know, when you say we repel people, and it's hurtful to us, but is that true? Because the truth is, we don't want them we don't want that. You know, what we really want is we want those people to be different, and they're not going to be and that's hurt.

Ian Hawkins: 1:00:35

Hmm, yeah, good point. Good. Brian, we

: 1:00:37

don't we don't want the bad behavior. We don't want the conflict. And we're not going to tolerate the conflict. But what we want is for somebody to be somebody sometimes other than who they are. And sometimes we just have to grieve that and accept it and let them you know, be who they are. Whether it presents or not.

Ian Hawkins: 1:00:56

Yeah, I would say that it would show up individually, depending on the person, but what you said the key part would be the grief, it would be a sense of loss. Yeah, exactly what the nature of that loss would depend on the individual's experience with that person. But yeah, you're raising a good point. But we don't want that in our life anymore. We're actually getting what we've asked for.

: 1:01:16

Right? Right. And I think sometimes we just don't want to admit that we want to stay in that victimized position, like, oh, they don't like me, you know, when Wait, I don't like you. Wait, I started this. Sorry. You're right. Nevermind, buh bye. Stay say as long as you like,

Ian Hawkins: 1:01:34

exactly. Be careful what you wish for. But again, I guess that highlights also is that sometimes it will we do kind of had that wish for for different things. And then it actually happens, then we're left going, Oh, I'm on my own. I'm not sure if that's what I wanted. And that and that opportunity for self reflection.

Unknown Speaker: 1:01:52

Yes.

Ian Hawkins: 1:01:56

You mentioned before around that sense that we feel like we're broken. And what you said was something that I'm a big believer in as well, we're not broken. Like we're a soul in a in a physical vessel, like our soul. It just is. Yeah, we can, the part that we can improve is that relationship with that part of us. So what what would you share around around that for people who are feeling like they're broken and can't be fixed?

: 1:02:40

Well, when the heart breaks, it's actually opening and expanding. So what we feel is breaking is actually growth, it's expanding, but expanding from from inside out. And that open heartedness attracts to you anything that you could possibly want or need, on every level. Yeah. And sometimes you have to let let it be okay, for things to come effortlessly. You know, that's, I think that you know, when, when somebody who is used to being steeped in conflict, I think that was that was that was difficult. I can't say it was difficult for me, but I there was a distinct point at which I went, Oh, you know, what? Things can be easy now. And that's okay. I really am done with honing my skills in conflict. You know, I am I'm kind of, not kind of by some people, I'm known as a demon slayer. Because anybody can bring anything to me and I will walk through it with you. You know, I don't I don't have a lot of fear as it comes to spiritual things. And, and I get I get those layers that we that that some of us have. So. But for me, it was like, oh, okay, so I don't have to be in conflict. And this can be easy, huh? What would that be like? That's like, that was a whole new flow and a whole new set of behaviors that I had to consciously think about what they were for me and then practice them. And we forget that we forget that we have to practice things being easy. Yeah, intuitive.

Ian Hawkins: 1:04:32

Yeah. And we've been also programmed to believe that life is a struggle, right? And the thing that we do so well and so effortlessly, how could that possibly be valuable?

Unknown Speaker: 1:04:44

Exactly. And yet that's

Ian Hawkins: 1:04:48

of greatest value. The, if you need any more motivation to want to change that it's like you're not just doing yourself a disservice by needing to rescue people or by needing to be the victim but you're doing the other person in that relationship a disservice as well because you're keeping not only us stuck, but you're keeping them stuck while you continue to play that role.

Unknown Speaker: 1:05:11

Right? Right

Ian Hawkins: 1:05:20

Okay, so the only other thing that I was drawn to was, I don't know if you can make this work. Can you do a collective reading for the listeners of something beneficial? Won't get the good feeling around this something beneficial to their future?

: 1:05:43

Yes, yes, I can. I'm gonna reach for I think they're right back here. Hold on. I'm going to move right out at where are they? Here they are. I have my, my new crystal cards that I'm doing. I love crystals. And in fact, I'll share with you look at this bad boy.

Ian Hawkins: 1:06:06

Oh, wow.

: 1:06:09

It's called it's called a dragon's tooth or root. It's an amethyst Chevron and it's a double. Very exciting. And

: 1:06:26

so I'm gonna pull, give me give me a number between one and five?

Ian Hawkins: 1:06:33

Well, I was gonna ask you about four before, so it's four. Okay.

Unknown Speaker: 1:06:42

Okay.

: 1:06:45

Interesting. So I'm going to pull four crystal cards, as while there alter cards that you can work with crystals, there are they have Oracle meetings. So I just pulled this is interesting.

Unknown Speaker: 1:06:59

I pulled

: 1:07:05

Caribbean calcite, floor fluoride, Tiger's eye, and trans channeler. And the meaning of the four of those together Hold on one second.

: 1:07:26

Well, so this so this is talking about the energy and the information that eat every every soul, every person with with their personality, their beingness their DNA, their you know what their body, everything that they have in this life in this experience has been honed, to be used to express the uniqueness that you are that that is the special vibration that's needed exactly where you are right now. And when it's time for it to be somewhere else, it will be moved somewhere else. That's not you don't have to worry about that. But this is really talking about letting yourself relax into giving your community yourself, your family, the group of people around you, offering that special imprint and perspective that you only you bring. And when you do that, it creates a whole other form of education. We educate people by embracing our own thoughts like if if who we are how we think our modus operandi how we want to accomplish things, all of those things are valuable, and it gives other people permission to do the same. And then the more we're able to actually actualize it and bring it out through our communication and through our actions. That creates a domino effect where other people begin to do that, too. And that is a an energetic matrix that creates a sense of stability that I think everybody's wanting right now, if there was one question that I think everybody has right now, or a thing that they're concerned about, is this complete sense of a lack of stability. And we are not unstable. The world is really going to be okay. But what what we're finding is we're having to be accountable for our own sense of balance. In and of ourselves, the more we own our own, the more we're going to connect to the balance and other people and create a matrix of protection and strength. But it has to start with you in who you are doing your own work, not not taking everybody else's inventory about what they need to do, but doing your own work, and then not being ashamed to talk about it.

Ian Hawkins: 1:09:54

Who the tingles there for that last part. So I love that. And so spot on. For me personally, and I'll tell you what showed up for me just maybe some for some context for the listeners as well. The word you use that really Shawn was relaxed because that word had come to me before you started speaking, it's going to be a key part for all of you listening. I got that the headache thing was the overthinking that really intensified when you were explaining this. And maybe they were overthinking the fact that it was a reading and how that would benefit them. And it could be also be around what you talked about having those different conversations that they're already having, but maybe a bit more consciously. The when you were talking about the balance, my right foot was my left foot, which be marrying the right foot. So the masculine right, the if you're a male, more of that drive and doing playing that masculine role, and if you're in the feminine, not being stuck in that masculine role, if that's not your if that's not your best way of operating. Now, of course, there's going to be all sorts of different variations of that. But it's that's how we're going to find balance is getting is getting everything back into what each individual as you said, your own work and not being afraid to share that that's the part that was kind of like the biggest gift out of that whole. That whole reading. Yeah. Who Thank you. That was awesome. Tracy, where can people find your book and your other books? So firstly, if you could just share where they can find your your current book that we were talking about today, but and also where they can they find out more about you? Well,

: 1:11:48

I believe transformative grief is actually I think is going to launch either tomorrow or in the next week or so in Australia. So you can so you can find it anywhere. Books are sold in Australia. But you can find it anywhere books are sold, you can find it on any Amazon, it's already listed there, you can go and buy it and it'll be shipped whenever it ships. Here in the US, it's going to be in in May 28. But like I said, in the UK and Australia, it's going to launch already because they have a different system happening. And then you can go to Tracy Dunn blaser.com You can see my spelling on the on the screen, there's that Tracy done blaser.com. You can find all of my stuff, my books are at be a slayer.com. That's my, my book site. And you'll and any any books that I've read, if you go to any Amazon, you can just see the list of them there. Like I said, see them on my site.

Ian Hawkins: 1:12:44

Very cool. And we'll make sure we get those links in the show notes for those who are listening and not watching as well. So you'll have all those links there to find out more about Tracy and her this wonderful book and and her other books as well and a series coming out soon. So yes. Oh, very cool. That was great ride this year. Thank you so much, Tracy. I really appreciate it.

Thank you so much. It's really been a pleasure to hear.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Grief Code podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Please share it with a friend or family member that you know would benefit from hearing it too. If you are truly ready to heal your unresolved or unknown grief. Let's chat. Email me at info at Ian Hawkins coaching.com You can also stay connected with me by joining the Grief Code community at Ian Hawkins coaching.com forward slash The Grief Code and remember, so that I can help even more people to heal. Please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform