Have A Diamond Day with AJ Harmer

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Are you ready, ready to release internal pain to find confidence, clarity and direction for your future, to live a life of meaning, fulfillment and contribution to trust your intuition again, but something's been holding you back. You've come to the right place. Welcome. I'm a Ian Hawkins, the host and founder of The Grief Code podcast. Together, let's heal your unresolved or unknown grief by unlocking your grief code. As you tune into each episode, you will receive insight into your own grief, how to eliminate it and what to do next. Before we start by one request. If any new insights or awareness land with you during this episode, please send me an email at info at the Ian Hawkins coaching.com and let me know what you found. I know the power of this work. I love to hear the impact these conversations have. Okay, let's get into it.

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Everyone, welcome to this week's guest. AJ Harmer, AJ How am I doing? Well, thanks. And thanks for having me on. You are most welcome. Glad to have you. I think he says your first podcast as well was it very first podcast. So I'm at the mercy of the guru. And so

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love it gently. That'd be great.

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So that to a recent guest, I'll absolutely be gentle.

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Cool

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formalities out of the way. And as my listeners know, we get straight into it. So tell us about that moment for you that big moment of grief for you where it all sort of came crashing down? Well, we'll start with the moment and then we'll sort of unpack how I got to that point.

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bed, one Saturday morning in: 2000

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on the bed beside me. And what I mean by that is, I become so overweight, that my stomach was alongside me on the bed. I was obesity overweight,

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felt like I'd lost all direction in life. And started to question. What's the point?

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Yeah, and I think

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not. I think I know that. That's a moment that many can relate with that feeling of like, what? What's the point? Like? Surely there's more than this?

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Absolutely.

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So in that moment,

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was it then a?

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What were the steps that you took? If that's the kind of thinking you were, you were having was a sort of a negative reaction, then what did you What did you do? How did you how did you actually react to that thought? Well, I had to kind of reflect on what had led up to that point that got me to there. And, and I'd realized that I'd been living a very unhealthy life. And not only with my physical movement, and what I was eating, but also just the way I was looking after my well being.

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And that had been over the course of about three years that has led from being a relatively fit guy, to now our extremely unhealthy and what I would term Fat Man, with no drive and no direction, and a sense of loss in where to go next.

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So

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to fill in the blanks, you had accepted a role in Mondrian and western suburbs of Sydney, which is a fairly low socio economic part of Sydney and fairly

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tough sort of part of the world. Yes. And you go in there with a young family to serve those people. Tell us a little bit about like, just how immersed in the community you were because it was pretty full on Yeah. Yeah, well, when when we moved into the Mount Druitt area or into the western suburbs area, we're living pumped in at the time. And

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I went for a drive and I

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I found myself in, in beautiful suburb of Mount Druitt. And approached it was a Saturday morning and everything was quite in the in the carpark and I drove up to a Uniting Church building that I thought no one would be there because it was the weekend and tapped on the door and met the local worker there. And long story short, is that there had been a riot a couple of days before and all the community were coming together to kind of debrief on the on the right that had happened in bidwill. And she invited me along. So I turned up as the as the new guy, and stuck my hand up at one point and said, Hey, I've just arrived on the scene, and I want to serve, what can I do?

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Straight into it. So it's like it's all

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all happening and like baptism of fire almost. Absolutely. And it was like it was it was perfect timing for in regards to serving the local community because they said, the young people, the youth of this community don't have anything to do. They're running amok, so to speak. And I said, Well, I'm just here to serve. So let's start there.

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Yeah, cool.

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If we didn't go back to that moment, right, you've you've gone into a space where

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the desire is to serve, and to help other people.

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At that point, when you're lying there in the moment, in the bed in that moment, are you thinking, Are you realizing that you've

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been spending all your time and energy when other people are not focusing on yourself? Or was that too soon to sort of think like that?

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I just knew that I knew that needed to be changed, I was in that crisis moment where I just wanted to run. So the bonus, and that's what, and that's what I did. So it was essentially just

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trying to outsource what I'd begun. And I began a number of different services in the community over the three years. And I really didn't, I had the presence of mind not to want to see those dissolve. So I looked for other community groups that could take that on, and I passed them over. And then I essentially resigned from working

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with with the salvos, and went on to do other things. But it was just a case of just I just needed to get out there as quickly as I could. Because I was looking at myself in the mirror and what I saw and what I was thinking and wasn't good.

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Yeah. And so were you coming down on yourself hard at that point? Like, were you were you looking at the mistakes you've made? And or, again, too soon for that?

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repared to stay there for for: 1020

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that constant figure of support there for not only the kids and the families, but their families. So there was a sense of loss in in regards to, I haven't really achieved what I wanted to achieve. But at the same time, I just felt my body saying that

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I can't do this anymore. One of the real concerns, and that led to that was that was just myself and young family. And we had one worker for a little while. But really, we didn't have time. And so there was also a sense of

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almost drowning in the in the need, and needing other people to come in alongside us and other human resources to help with the, with the support. And that never arrived. So there was also a sense of

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I guess, detachment, or I don't know what the other word is just the the organization or the people that were that had sent us there, hadn't realized how tough it was going to be, and didn't really have a plan for sending other humans to support us. Yeah, so tell us a little bit about just how just how full on it was because you said you were like you were literally living within the community, like next door to some of these people that needed your help. And it was like you're on call literally 24/7 Yeah. And I have to say upfront, absolutely beautiful community, beautiful hearts, people that are in each other's lives, and they don't lock themselves away. And like, like I have seen in other communities.

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e a bit of a flashback to the: 1980

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I heard a saying once it's it's easier to build boys and girls and it is to repair men and women. So thought,

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best use of my time since I wouldn't have a team was to plug into the young people, children and young people and try and do some work there. So and that's what I did. And it happened very quickly. And it happened from one assembly at the at the local school at the primary school.

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There was a salvo camp happening. I offered to take a bunch of kids to the to the camp and think I had 12 seats in the bus and about 30 kids put up their hand and wanted to go

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could only take the 12 but what am I

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Just out of that was something quite spontaneous called the Youth Network. And at that very first meeting at the church that I talked about on that Saturday, one of the people that were there was the local manager of the PCYC. And she gave me her card.

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So fast forward to this camp, and the kids are saying, so what are we going to do next? And I'm like, really didn't have a plan. happening so quickly. So I said, Well, haven't you heard?

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Haven't you heard of the Youth Network? So I'm just thinking on my feet.

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They're saying, you're aware, does that happen? And I'm like,

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it happens at the PCYC.

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So I leave the school telling them this information. I'm on the on the phone, and Karen was her name, said, Hey,

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I need your hall. And is there any chance you got a bus, so and that next Friday night, the Youth Network began, began. And it went from like 30 kids to 50 kids to 90 kids to over 100 boys and girls on Friday nights, and it was essentially a beautiful time of fun. And games. Like the old it's a knockout type TV show, it was just lots of fun, I made sure that there was meals there for them that they could have a meal and, and I was quite purposeful in having games and activities where they were socializing with one another. So there was board games, and there wasn't screens, there was board games and connect for and craft tables, and all this kind of stuff. And it was it just kind of emerged out of that. And as I've built relationships with the kids, obviously, you build relationships with the families. And that out of that comes out doing people's weddings, doing people's unfortunately, attending funerals and doing funerals visiting people that I've been incarcerated. And so just from this one act of kind of, we've got something on for the kids came all this other opportunity to serve in so many different ways. And, and it kind of just really quickly

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set the pressure settled of, in fact, what we wouldn't be required to do, and what we would be joining in, by living in that community.

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Just for context, you say you are an ordained minister in the in the church. Yep. So yeah,

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it just goes to show that there is a massive need for that sort of work. And it's something that

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you would notice, there's no naughty children, there's this children that are not having needs met, and you come in and produce something that there's just a hunger for. It's interesting on just just this week, coincidence, or not, of course, probably not. The highperformance podcast, they had a they get listeners to come on. And they there was a lady there who worked in a similar sort of space, providing exercise for youngsters in these low socio economic communities and what a difference is making because they've got structure and then their exercise. And you know, people are throwing a whole lot of other stuff at them that aren't really helping, but I imagine the impact that what you created there must have just rippled through in terms of how that would have improved the lives for the children, but also for the parents. And just that sense of community. It was it was extremely welcomed. And the community was very thankful for it, there was nothing like, like, when I went to that debrief for that Riot, and everyone was there, the chief of police was there was nothing for the young people just had nothing to do. So they were extremely bored. And, and it was, it was just something that was was almost a no brainer, like we just put something on, it's fun. We're available for them, it's somewhere they can go. So they're not cooped up at home in the evenings on a Friday night. And it also gave the parents a bit of respite from what ever was going on for them and with their children. So it was kind of a win win for everybody. Nice.

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No brainer. The but there's a fair bit of the just thinking on your feet, like you said that I always look for that thing that people do that they just think it's obvious, but it's not obvious to everyone right. So that your ability to sort of join the dots there particularly quickly that that's a gift. Yeah, I think so. And I really appreciate that and it's one of my fond memories of that community I sometimes I still over there from time to time and I drive through the community to remember the barbecues and I remember the I got a scar on my

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on my here on my on my elbow where I was playing some touch football on the road and and as I got heavier and as I got bigger I wasn't as as light on my feet and I did trip and slide down one of the roads and I've got this big scar on my elbow now but it's it's a memory it's a it's a place where I can look at and

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I can remember my time there in fact

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Some of my tattoos are actually done by the locals. So

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it's interesting what you can, how you can share life with somebody while they're, they're tattooing your arm, you'll learn a lot about them and their background. And, yeah, I did some quite quite an unconventional things. But

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I definitely did build a lot of respect in the community and trust. And

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it's a highlight of my highlight of my,

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of my time there was starting that Youth Network. Yeah. Awesome. Now, you mentioned your weight there. And there are certain elements of

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you mentioned, exercise and diet. But what I know of when you are serving people, and you are

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taking on too much it will manifest in your body in some way for some people that manifests in pain for some people that manifests in illness. And then of course, it manifests in ways like literally, you're holding on to everyone's stuff. Yeah. Tell us a little bit about how hard that was for you to be

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managing the well being and emotions of just so many people at that time. Yeah, well, I think that being in the salvos, one of the things that you

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that you kind of adhere to is the absence of, you know, the drugs and alcohol. And so of course, if you're going to medicate because of the stress, what do you do you go to the fridge. So for me, I think eating was my way of coping with the stories that I was hearing and, and what I was seeing through the day,

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and just slowly over time, I mean, your horrible habits aren't always that obvious. When you're stuck in them, but over time, it just crept into me and into my, into my weight and my, my well being in my health, and that was eventually just led to that moment where I was,

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I was consumed by, by the stress of the role, and I was overtaken by my, my, my body that was out of condition.

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And you summed it up well there because it's often how these things happen, whether again, whether it's weight, or injury or illness, it's like, it happens slowly, that we might not notice in a day or a week or even a month, but then suddenly, at some point, we're like, wow, how did we get here? Yeah, and it's either a moment where your body just says, I'm not doing this anymore, and it shuts down or, or a moment of clarity, like you described. So at that point, you're like, Okay, I need to get out.

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Now, we won't go fully into this, because I respect your privacy in this space, but from your perspective, and must have put tremendous pressure on you and your family in that space where you're having to deal with all of this. Yeah, so I'm an overweight guy at this stage and a sense of loss that I haven't gone through with my mission to stay there for decades, and see the community

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you know, just joining with the community for that amount of time. And also when you when you're with the salvos, you kind of they've got the furniture, they've got the house, they got the car, so we left with nothing. Yeah. Wow. It was it was Danny again, fortunately, for us are one of our neighbors. Her name was Dawn,

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her daughter, and we'd built a great relationship with Donna and her daughter had a granny flat in me planes. So at least we had a place to go. So we moved to me planes in us in a granny flat at the back. And that's where we started again.

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It's amazing what shows up when you need it. Right? And particularly if you've been someone who's been giving Yeah, well see, Dawn was outcrop lady. If we go back to that first night, the youth Youth Network that I started

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when I moved into our street, I went knocking on the doors to introduce myself. And Don was one of the ladies that kind of opened the door slightly just to look through. And I said G'day I'm I'm AJ I've just moved local community. I'm just down the road. That's one of the say hi and, and, and long story short over.

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Over a little while, she led me into her house. And she said, Hey, I just want to I want to show you something. And she took me to her bedroom. And she just had the most beautiful craft setup that she was doing just on her own.

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I said don't Why do you do this and she'd suffered from depression and she'd lost a partner and mum and dad had passed away that she had some trauma in her life and it was her way of just kind of her therapy on her own. I said Dawn, this is too good to keep a secret. You've got to get this out and into the into the public and she said no way. I'm not doing that. Well I just wound it down over over time knocking on that door and she became the craft lady

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and a very good friend of of ours because we lived right next door so that's awesome. When we needed to

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her when she needed that because she'd say that pretty much that craft thing. She's she's gone on record to say that being involved that saved her life. Wow. And and in return she's she's supported us in our time of need. So a beautiful kind of

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completion to the circle of care. That's awesome. I tingles all over from that one. That's cool.

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Tell me, were there some moments like you mentioned you were there on call 24/7 Were there some scary moments through that time where were people knocking on your door or sheets gone down. And that was pretty full on. It's interesting, you say that I never in the time that I was there felt unsafe. And I'd be walking the streets at all hours, I think because

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the report had been built and I was there to serve and people kind of understood and look at that took time. That can be wrong when you move into a new community.

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And people have moved in before and moved out there. You can, there can be some suspicion around what you're doing. So it took me some time to kind of build that trust. But then I didn't feel unsafe, like one of the locals used to call me the mayor, the mayor of Bethel,

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which was an interesting title, but I just I didn't feel unsafe at all there, I can understand that. Most people would feel maybe a little weary of situations. But now I was there for the right reason. And I knew these, this community was was beautiful at heart and are beautiful, and never felt unsafe at all. I feel like you

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the energy you bring into her environment is what you will have

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projected back to you. So if you went in there fearful of what might happen, well, then, you know, attract. So confirmation bias, right, you'll attract what

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what you need to support what your beliefs are, but your belief and I imagine that a fair bit of that's come from your own upbringing, you said your parents were both ministers in the salvation army as well. And

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that you were going from sort of house to house community community having so you've had a fair bit of experience in these sort of environments already. And role modeling as well. 100%.

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Mum and Dad have just been the best example of what it is to care for people. And mom had a book written about a couple of years back called the angel in the courthouse. Wow, it was her story of her upbringing, but also her ministry in the courts and prison work with dad. And there's actually a picture of me in that book. And I'm five years old, and I'm sitting beside kids that are younger than me. And I'm reading them a story. These kids in the book that I was reading a story to had been removed from their, their families due to neglect, and my parents were looking after them. And I was sitting beside them reading reading a book and kind of caring for them. So when you say I've done it for a little while, you don't I don't sometimes forget that I've participated in in care and serving since I was that age. And there's a picture of me it wasn't until I opened the book and I saw that picture went Oh, my goodness, I've been participating in the care of our people for for a very long time and

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all credit to my my mum and dad for showing me what it is to love people to care for people. Yeah, we'll get more into the work you do now. But to me like nothing better demonstrates your ability to help people and the fact you've been doing it your whole life. Yeah. Like it becomes so natural, because it's just what you've had role model and you've done it.

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I mentioned before you come on, and I'll get different things in my body. And I'll follow the nudges and I can't leave this one line because I've got this itch on my left leg, which is usually a reflection of like, is there something going on with your right sort of calf or lower leg or an injury or something that's

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not not?

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We'll come back to that.

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Hang on, go back. Hang on. Hang on. What did you say? Says my left my left front of my left shin sort of thing. Yeah, but what should be a mirror of your right eye? Imagine? So I have had down in my bottom calf like the

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towards the ankle. I have had a little bit of

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muscle strain there. Yeah, but I do a hell of a lot of walking. So.

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Yeah. Okay, look, if it's okay, we'll go we'll go into this a bit. Because like you said, like the work that you do, right, you you bring other elements to weight loss. It's not just exercise and diet. It's like it's the mental and the emotional side of it. Because when you can shift that then the other two things become easier. So

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yes, that walking and

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someone asked me this the other day when I was talking about some sort of injury that was actually it was a it was a client I referenced in one of my posts about how they turned up with a backache and they

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Oh, yeah, well, that's because I've been doing this, this, this and this. And I might Yeah, but that's just because we invite things into our world similar to the confirmation bias to support what's going on. So if we've got something going on with our back, we will do something that will exacerbate the injury so

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that the walking is the is what brings it to the surface rather than the cause. And right is usually around masculine right is usually and leg is usually around something about moving forward. So

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as the

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as the

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carer, and someone that's probably spent a fair bit of time in the predominantly sort of that nurturing feminine energy, not not female, feminine.

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Are there times where you can get

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it again, I'll say this from my own experience, you can lack that ability to do the things that need to be done to actually get it done, because the nurturing stuff just comes so much easier.

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Can you ask me that in a different way? So the experience for me is like the default is, when things are getting a bit challenging, oldest do some caring or nurturing. I'll look after someone else to distract myself from the things I need to do for me. Yeah. Have you read? Have you read my Facebook Post this morning?

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Exactly what I wrote. Yeah, right. Yeah, I said,

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I said, in fact, the gun on the whiteboard there, make sure you go and grab it, then a little whiteboard thing, essentially, it's saying be the source of what you seek. So if you're feeling unhappy, then go and bring some joy. And if you're feeling anxious, go and bring some calm to somebody else. And kind of transcend your own moment by giving away some support and somebody else,

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huh? Yeah, that's good.

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So I guess the only other the only other thing and we'll we'll leave that alone. Like I said, this is like a bit like a coaching session as well. It's just been thinking about

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what you already know, right? That balance is like getting that balance, right?

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And see how your muscle soreness in that party leg goes? Yeah.

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And for the listeners, it's just making sure that sometimes when your body's got something going on, it's not always just because you did X Y, Zed, you got an injury here. It's even though old injuries, they're all reflection of something that's going on that we bring about unconsciously, it's not deliberate act.

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So as as a youngster growing up in that environment,

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it must have been so positive in so many different ways.

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But was there elements where you were looking out at the rest of the world and going wouldn't be nice to have a bit more of this? It would be nice to have some more? Yeah, I don't know. Like, for me, I'd be like, jumping from one place to the next, like friends, for example, like, does it kind of is that was that a real challenge as a youngster? Yeah, it was a challenge to find friends and to fit into new schools and be the new guy in the class all the time. And

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but that's all I've known. And so I really don't know any other way. It's kind of when I look at other people. And they told me that they've been in the same house a whole life or worked in the same workplace their whole whole career. It's a it's, it's something my brain kind of can't comprehend. Like, how could you stick in one place for that long, but I'm trying to bring the the positive to moving around, I've just had so many great opportunities to meet with people. And it's, it's given me the ability just to kind of

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just to kind of adapt really quickly to situations

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and to kind of move very lightly

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Yeah, around and negotiating life. So yeah. And you must have developed skills to be able to break the ice with new people and

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almost be like a chameleon and filling in new environments effortlessly. Yeah, I have been termed the chameleon or the lone wolf or whatever you want to want to call me but yeah, it definitely gave me the skills just to connect with people. And look, mum and dad always taught me you know, be be interested in be interesting. And you'll get you'll get through so I've tried to I've tried to maintain that as serving heart but be very interested in people's lives and what they're doing. And also be interesting in some way. Have them wanting to know more about you so you can just kind of continue that relationship. Okay, cool. Once you go to interesting part that people are drawn to

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I do I do actually some close up magic. So people love that. So

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yeah, I watched in fact, I watched this is where I learned this skill as well was in in bidwill. Where for the for the youth at the Christmas time we wanted the special guests I got the magician to come in. And his name was rod is is left Earth now and

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he came in and I just watched the incredible report that he built with the kids so quickly through the art of our farm, close up card magic and

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he became a long story short he became a very good friend of mine and a

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few years later gave me an opportunity to be the close up magician on the Sydney show by myself so I was on roster with him.

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It was pretty cool to us four nights a week on the Sydney showboat doing close up magic with the with the guests from all around the world and bring some joy in and and then pulling the curtains for the showgirls. So

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that wasn't too bad, either. Nice. So you must have had a knack for it. Is it something about like what what's the art to what is that the being able to talk? Yeah, I think it's connecting with people that has always said I have natural ability to communicate with people, you're a great communicator, someone and you're a class act and all these kind of beautiful competence my dad would give me so I think just the ability to once again be interested in and be interesting. And under context, like a cruise around the harbor with international guests is always something to ask. And there was always great stories from around the world. So and of course, the interesting part I brought was I was doing some magic for them. So it's kind of a perfect match. Perfect. So how do you go from from that space where

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you feeling like you need to get out to them rebuilding your life, like you've, you've got a granny fat but at that point, you've got no job. So what sort of steps did you take to get yourself back on track? Yeah, well, the only thing I'd really known up to that point was caring for people. So I looked for a job in the in the community service work and ended up working for another quite large nonprofit.

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And I worked with young people so I looked for somewhere that I could work with young people in a community service work again and and step out of the salvos and

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moved in with another organization that was in merrylands.

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Yeah. And do you then, like what how long was the transition? Like how much longer do you that kind of work before you made a decision? Like how did that decision come about where you're like, I need to do things differently.

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It was pretty much immediately I needed to do stuff differently and I was forced to move my body a little bit more because this new job that I'd found in Maryland's we only had the one car and and and I couldn't use that so I bought myself a pushbike.

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Oh always writing for me new planes to to any plane station and then catching a train all the way to Maryland and then writing from Maryland station up to

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the drop in center for the young people. And that was my

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that was my exercise for the day in the start of moving my body more appropriately than what I've done for the previous three years.

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So the the exercise kind of forced upon you by circumstance, how did you get around the mental side of the fact that you've walked away from a mission that you thought you'd be at for a long time? Yeah, we need to back up the track a little bit, just to remind you remind our listeners that I'll let them know that I wasn't always a big guy. I in 2001, I actually won the men's health fitness challenge for the Men's Health magazine, body Trent, I'd been overweight before. And I entered that competition with 1300 other competitors and to transform my body and end up winning the competition. And

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there's more to that story too, and the birth of my firstborn

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that

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essentially the winnings from that competition paid for IVF and then he was Wow. So it's another another great story of

Unknown Speaker: 34:20

when I look at him, he's he's really my trophy for for that effort. So

Unknown Speaker: 34:25

that's awesome. So I know how to move I know how to train my body it's just did in that period of time, from 2007 to 2010. I lost my way because my focus was on others and I really wasn't balanced at all with my with my life.

Unknown Speaker: 34:43

So getting back from getting back into into gear was like it was muscle memory like I knew what to do. And now I wasn't in a position where I had to give my time and my energy away to everybody else. But now I can go okay, what do I need to do

Unknown Speaker: 34:56

to get this to get myself back on track so I

Unknown Speaker: 35:00

Got the work?

Unknown Speaker: 35:02

Good on you. So it's better, like the weight thing and the health thing has been a bit of a, like an ongoing

Unknown Speaker: 35:11

challenge.

Unknown Speaker: 35:13

Obviously no longer given the the nature of the work that you do and the disciplines and the processes you've put in place. What's interesting is that, like, I got the each in both cars when you started telling that story about the around the

Unknown Speaker: 35:29

the competition Yeah, so actually could have been like you've given us an each not a pain, maybe it's actually quite a positive thing of like, that you actually thrive in that sort of competitive environment and being able to get demonstrate your your abilities. Yeah, I've people have mentioned to me that, you know, my ability to acquire skills quickly is is inspiring.

Unknown Speaker: 35:55

I was a drummer in a rock band, I learned the drums. And then then they didn't have Sorry, I was a guitar player first in the band, and they couldn't find a drummer. So I sold the guitar and the drums, and then it was the primer, and then I'm learning how to transfer my body and then become a personal trainer. And then

Unknown Speaker: 36:12

you know, I want to do magic. So I'm learning how to do do magic and working on Sydney, on the Sydney show both so a lot of skills, those skill acquisition, in the ability just I really wanted to be able to support people and give them some hope that they can do that to whatever it is that's in front of them that they want to require that they have. They can do that. Mm hmm. So you're inspiring. They're inspiring them by your own actions to be able to take things on and then giving them the tools they need to do the same. I would hope so, you know, I've heard it said you have to be the book before you write the book. And so I don't want to be

Unknown Speaker: 36:49

I don't want to be preaching something that I'm not leaving myself. So

Unknown Speaker: 36:55

yeah, here I am. And hopefully it's it's impacting people's lives. So how did you go from working back in the caring sort of space to magic to deciding you want to be a PT

Unknown Speaker: 37:09

I just think that working and particularly working with, with, with men, so I just, if I reflect back to the way I was feeling in 2007 as a guy, and how helpless I felt and how adrift from from purpose,

Unknown Speaker: 37:29

I thought there must be some you know, I'm not the only one that's going through that especially as a fella

Unknown Speaker: 37:35

Reese recently had word in that

Unknown Speaker: 37:40

a friend that I've known for a long time that moved to a country town taken his life just after after Boxing Day, a heartbreaking,

Unknown Speaker: 37:51

heartbreaking

Unknown Speaker: 37:54

news and just confirmed to me that I'm I'm working with the right group of people that I'm I'm a guy, I'm a middle aged guy, I just turned 50 A couple of weeks back and

Unknown Speaker: 38:07

I know fitness I know health and fitness, I know how to have a strong mind, I know that discipline is required to push through and acquire new skills. So I'm a bloke that that knows a few things that's seen it through a few things in 50 years and just want to reach out to other guys and support them where I can and fitness as you change your body and you change your physiology you can change your whole concept of of your reality. So why not start there with with men and help them

Unknown Speaker: 38:39

with their, with their weight with their fitness. And yeah, move forward that way together. Love that. And from that story that you mentioned around dawn, like you have that ability to save live, literally and

Unknown Speaker: 38:56

know for me that

Unknown Speaker: 38:59

while there's so many other elements to it, you need to be looking after all the different elements and for for a fair while I haven't had to put a lot of work into my way.

Unknown Speaker: 39:12

So I wasn't so it was impacting all areas of my life because I want to throw myself into fitness but the moment you prioritize that, what's

Unknown Speaker: 39:23

developing muscles, whether it's weights or running or football or whatever it is the moment you have your put yourself in a place where you have to actually

Unknown Speaker: 39:37

you have to exert yourself. Yeah, you have to have that discipline to go this is hard, but I'm gonna keep going anyway. Yeah. And that changes everything. So for you in that space of you're helping people to lose weight, but what are some of the impacts that that you've had from clients that that have been well beyond just them losing weight and feeling better in their body?

Unknown Speaker: 40:00

Yeah, well look, the benefits that are coming is the way that they're feeling about themselves. And that's impacting other areas of life. So people are that were stuck in, in in jobs that they they didn't really that wasn't their passion areas and now stretching themselves to look for for new work in stretching some some themselves into new careers.

Unknown Speaker: 40:24

It's just, it's, I go with weight loss, and I try and work with their bodies. But I'll tell you what's happening is their minds are expanding and as their minds are expanding of what's what's possible, as they see, like, if this was possible for my body, what else can I do? And they're just going to Arias had a guy that wants to do stand up so and he's been fearful of doing stand up comedy and, and just the way that I've worked with him and the change in his, his body and his I guess, self belief. And now he's reaching out in and making some some connections with stand up. So it's not only the health and the fitness and the way you look, it's it's the your aspirations and dreams, that transform as well. And to be honest, that's, that's really what I'm after that long lasting, that long lasting change in self belief, and that long lasting change in how that then can spill over on to other people that are that are watching you transform. So yeah, fantastic. And it makes me think back to what you talked about, you'd lost that sense of purpose. And when you bring that back through your own physical journey, like you've been helping other people that it's not just about the physical, yes, like you've you've helped him to reach something that he really wants to do. And to me, like what a gift that you're giving people through that work that you're doing? Well, look, if I sent them a simple exercise task, or

Unknown Speaker: 41:57

a discipline that they need to complete the fact that they're completing it, and then saying, I completed it is like they're making a promise to themselves, and they're keeping their promise. And then all of a sudden their esteem and self belief because I've done something that I said I would, there's so many people that say I'll do this, and I'll do that, and they never do it, or they never get around to doing it, or there's something that gets in the way. And what that says to them is that, you know, I can't follow through on my own actions and and then their self belief just plummets. So it's the simple task and that I give my clients and that just sets them on this trajectory forward. So good. So I imagine that over the course of the your own transformation, that you've learned some pretty powerful messages. So what's something that you've you've learned

Unknown Speaker: 42:43

beyond what you would like the incredible upbringing you had, what's something you learn about yourself, and maybe some process or tool or something else that you've adopted, that's been a real game changer for you. Yeah, I need structure needs to be I need systems in my day, to make sure that I'm going to bed at the end of the night and I'm, I'm taking it off as a win for the day. And so I've got this, this model or this concept I call the diamond day and it's a bit of a play on the other first one I've actually spoken to about this and so the diamond days we'd have a play on words, it's the diamond as in a gym, or something of value, if we can hold that picture in our mind but then we've also got the image of the baseball diamond and there's there's four bases around and so if we want to hit the ball out of the park, we want to get a home run for the day, we have to make our way around the bases. And the base is a your your body mind soul in your spirit or end, just assigning tasks, those different bases so at the end of the night, I can say okay, what have I done for my body? I've moved my body I've gone for a walk have eaten well got some sunshine, what have I done for my mind? I've read a couple of pages of a book or I've listened to a podcast or what have I done for my soul? I I've spent some time in meditation and I've just quiet and myself down I've listened to my breath. And what have I done for my spirit? I've kind of connected I've connected with other people I've reached out of I've supported someone I've made a phone call or send a text message that system not about me receiving but it may have given and so if I can get to bed at the end of the night and go okay, did I hit the ball out of the park today have I made my way around the bases have I had a diamond day, then I can sleep well at night. So that's a little i in my gym, I've actually got a picture of a it's a diamond. And and I've got another I'm looking at it now. And it's there's another black and white picture that says home run. So it just reminds me that just to make my way around the base as long as I'm just as on those touch points. If I'm just doing one to one activity on those four bases around the day, I can go to bed no matter what else is crowding in on me. I can go to bed knowing that I've I've invested in my own wellness and over.

Unknown Speaker: 44:56

So good. I'm actually going to have a crack at that. That's

Unknown Speaker: 45:00

Sounds magic, love it. I'm also a creature of needing structure. And similar to you, I've built so many different structures around my world. Because without it, I just can go on tangents and distractions in isolation and all sorts, the more tools you can have to bring you back into

Unknown Speaker: 45:20

getting it done.

Unknown Speaker: 45:22

And I'm a very visual guy. So I've got to have the, I've got to have the quotes up on the wall, I've got to have the pictures, I've got to have the rock kind of pointing at me saying, you know, that success is all about, you know, you know, consistency and all this kind of stuff. So

Unknown Speaker: 45:37

I, I've got that little home gym, I'm pointing to it over there, it's a little home gym, that makes it easier for me to that I can't avoid it. It's, it's obvious. So it needs to be it needs to get done. So that's cool.

Unknown Speaker: 45:50

Early on, you mentioned that the

Unknown Speaker: 45:54

the impact that having that the youth network set up the impact that had and how they actually build trust with the kids, but also build trust with the parents, and then you're suddenly building this incredible community, that ripple effect? What's the ripple effect in a positive way that taking someone through the weight loss journey has on the person on their family and their community? Yeah.

Unknown Speaker: 46:19

It's, it's, it's incredible, just the feedback that I'm getting from the clients, the other comments that they're getting from their family, or that dad's moving more and, and the partner is drinking more water and taking more care of themselves. So it just elevates the whole family unit, to be honest, just by this one person engaging in some self care and a plan to move forward. So I've had comments of colleagues of clients making mentioned that they've got more energy, and they're more you know, that their, their productivity around the day is increased as well. So it just impacts so many different areas. And it comes back to, to what

Unknown Speaker: 47:01

I know to be true is that when we want to create a shift in the people around us, we we can't control them into doing it. But we can come back into self control. Okay, what can I do differently to be better? What can I do to inspire, which is what you're describing, right? These these men you're working with? Inspiring that change in other people, because there's

Unknown Speaker: 47:21

so much more of what we do has an impact on what we say. In fact, if we're not walking the walk that the talks just

Unknown Speaker: 47:30

words, it just float on by and have zero meaning 100% And let me just share a little poem with you that my dad taught me that's is that, okay, if I

Unknown Speaker: 47:40

share a poem it was it's called the human touch. And it goes simply like this hope I can remember it. It's the human touch in the world that counts the touch of your hand in line. That means far more to the suffering sold and shelter, food or wine, because the shoulders gone when the night is over, and food last but for one day, but that's touch of the hand and the sound of the voice lives on in the heart always. So

Unknown Speaker: 48:03

you know, it's it's people are watching, and you can create a huge impact by just what you do.

Unknown Speaker: 48:10

Love it. And that's what a great demonstration of exactly what we've been saying. Is that something that your dad left you? Yes, I just had such a positive impact that it's etched in your memory. Yeah, it's, I love poetry, I love the imagery of reaching out and helping people and, and making an impact on look, it's the only thing we can really leave with the way I feel about it in my life. It's the it's the legacy. It's the only thing, it's the currency I can leave behind. You know what I mean? Like how I affect others. One of the things that I did get tattooed on my arm in you can't see it here. It's a it's not a very good looking tattoo. But it's simply the letters o t h e RS, which says others. So it's a constant reminder on my here that

Unknown Speaker: 49:01

that's where my emphasis should be.

Unknown Speaker: 49:05

Obviously, self care, but this this opportunity, I've got to just impact lives and impact others, with kindness and with care with concern, and just helping them.

Unknown Speaker: 49:17

Look, we're all on the way home, hey, we're just leading each other home. So if I can do that, through health and fitness, and through my own journey of transformation, then

Unknown Speaker: 49:27

that's a life well lived.

Unknown Speaker: 49:31

I love that. And if people are over complicating their path and looking for meaning what you described, there could be the simplest way that you can ever put it so well said.

Unknown Speaker: 49:42

Now, I'm just gonna join a few dots here. You can think on your feet and come up with ideas on the run. You watch someone do something and you pick up the skills really quickly. Like like mimicking. You've talked about the creative element.

Unknown Speaker: 49:58

To me, it's like you're a big

Unknown Speaker: 50:00

He thinks Oh, so you must have

Unknown Speaker: 50:03

ideas constantly, you must have a lot of cool visions for what the future looks like.

Unknown Speaker: 50:10

I'd love for you to share maybe one of those ideas that hasn't come to fruition yet. But you've, you've thought, okay, that that's going to be cool, I'm definitely pointing that for something that I want to help, not just for me in the future, but will have an impact for the greater good.

Unknown Speaker: 50:27

Yeah, I do have a vision board in my gym, and there's a couple of images on there that will come to be because I feel like it's my, my purpose, and my calling. And that is to, to speak to groups of people,

Unknown Speaker: 50:43

on their potential on their worth.

Unknown Speaker: 50:47

You know, when I'm speaking with my clients, I might be speaking to them about health and fitness. But I tell you, the message that's coming through loud and clear, is a lot of them don't feel like they're enough. And that's leading to habits that don't serve them.

Unknown Speaker: 51:03

So and I'm getting tingles now, to saying that, because the ability to look down, and because I do my coaching not only in person, but online, to look down the camera at them. And just to remind them that they are enough, is, is a beautiful gift to be able to share with another guy.

Unknown Speaker: 51:21

And, you know, in a world that that, well, it's a changing world, but in a in a space where sharing that kind of a message with another man

Unknown Speaker: 51:34

can be seen in different ways to be able to just look at a guy and say, You know what, despite what's happened, and you are an overcomer, you are enough, and you will win. And I'm going to join with you and I'm going to do what I can to make sure that you prosper.

Unknown Speaker: 51:49

That's one of one of my dreams, just to be able to do that in,

Unknown Speaker: 51:55

in a capacity, like

Unknown Speaker: 51:58

increasing capacity, whether it be on a stage or over camera, or through a book. So I've got a picture of a stage with group of people, I'd love to be speaking life into groups of men. I'd love to write a book and

Unknown Speaker: 52:12

yeah, just impacting where I can.

Unknown Speaker: 52:16

We should have a talk after this, because I just had this idea around.

Unknown Speaker: 52:21

Exactly that. Creating a platform for men speaking to men. So thank you inspired me words

Unknown Speaker: 52:34

given you've

Unknown Speaker: 52:36

grown up in that,

Unknown Speaker: 52:40

Christian, that's a good description, upbringing, and, and you've gone into that line of work.

Unknown Speaker: 52:48

Are you still practicing? From a

Unknown Speaker: 52:52

religious standpoint? Is it more spiritual is a bit of both? Like, how do you see the word from world from that spiritual perspective now?

Unknown Speaker: 53:02

Well, my upbringing was in a Christian faith. So I would say that, you know, words like church, Christian, etc, have become a little bit

Unknown Speaker: 53:15

become a bit of a dirty word in in communities and in culture. So I'm more likely to say that I follow Christian principles where I can.

Unknown Speaker: 53:26

Being someone that's not perfect, I made plenty mistakes, and I make mistakes every day, and I'm going to be making them tomorrow but I tried to look at the Christian principles and there was no Christianity before Jesus so I guess I look to, to that. That historical figure as as a guide for

Unknown Speaker: 53:50

how to care for people and you see him walking around and just just not segregating people and not labeling people but just looking for opportunities to serve. And one of the things I used to say I was I would do with people was I was loitering with intent. Someone says what is AJ do he loiters with intent?

Unknown Speaker: 54:11

I love that description. Because what it said to me is I'm just looking for opportunities to serve. I'm just I've, I've, I've got a keen eye and an open heart just to try and meet need where I find it whether it be in the streets or in someone's home. So yeah, to get back to your your question.

Unknown Speaker: 54:29

My motive is like my you need or you need a Y for the work that you do in life. And over on my whiteboard there. My y is the passion. It's in John 1010 and it says The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy but I've come to give you life and all its fullness. So

Unknown Speaker: 54:49

for a lot of the people that I work with, what's been destroyed in their life is their sense of well being their self belief, their physical

Unknown Speaker: 55:00

In the physical shell has been,

Unknown Speaker: 55:04

hasn't been looked after. And that's preventing them from that next part, which is a prosperous life or a life in all its fullness or a life of abundance. So that really is my, my go to passage of,

Unknown Speaker: 55:20

of the Bible that I'll go through just to motivate me forward to help people.

Unknown Speaker: 55:25

I love that. And

Unknown Speaker: 55:28

for those who don't don't consider themselves religious, or they've had a maybe a negative religious experience, they've gone away from it, you come back to just the story of Jesus, like, he didn't actually have a lot of time for the church at times as well. Right? He was more about well, how can we help serve people best and, and not putting one person above anyone, even even a?

Unknown Speaker: 55:55

Well, Minister for whatever terminology they used to use back then a priest or whatever it is, but instead, like, how can we look after others, but I'm sure that, given the work that he did, he would have put a fair bit of time and energy into his own well being, because how could he have possibly been able to serve that way? If he didn't? Absolutely, there was times there, where he's withdrawing, and he's retreating, and he's just kind of filling his own cup. So we've got to do the same, but

Unknown Speaker: 56:26

But what a great opportunity, I feel like I'm, I'm, I'm 50 years old, and I've, geez, I've got so much to do. I feel so passionate about what there is to do. And, and, you know, as people watching, you know, like, we created a legacy to my my boys who was 19, and 17, and 19. Now, they're watching that, and they're watching his emphasis, and they always have, but they're watching at this time in my life, when I, I could possibly be thinking about slowing down or retirements could be up ahead, but I'm charging, I've got things to do. I've got people to reach and a message to share. And

Unknown Speaker: 57:06

I ain't done yet.

Unknown Speaker: 57:08

Good men, and women definitely going to cut this one, um, to highlight because how many people get to a later age and have missed the boat? After it's too late? It's like, no, it's never too late. And it's not like I'm the same people people work their lives to get to retirement. Or what if you die, not long after you retire, which is a familiar tale, right? That. So my dad was was only, you know, less than 10 years into his retirement, and he passes away. It's like, you're living how why? Like, and I've said to the kids, I'm not retiring. Like, I love what I do. I'll keep doing this in some capacity forever. Because of 40 gives me as well. Yeah. And the thing is, when you're in a in a service role, or a caring role in your motive is to kind of serve people when when could just wait, there's actually no retirement date. Because everywhere you look, there's somebody with a need. So if you've got a heart to serve, and you've got a keen eye to observe people that may need your support then and you love what you're doing, like the best, the best definition of of a of a vocation that's the seats like a like a well balanced vote vocation was the one I heard that was your fully self expressed in the service of others, and rewarded for your contribution. So that's kind of three points they fully self expressed in the service of others and rewarded for your contribution. So why would you want to retire if you had an opportunity to do that? For people? Like, let's keep going like I'm already looking at a Winnebago I can go jumping the Winnebago and, and go traveling and supporting and serving people at the same time, you know, invest in my own well being but at the same time have a have an eye for others. Yeah, I love that. And

Unknown Speaker: 59:00

to me, that's what that's all the

Unknown Speaker: 59:04

positive elements of of the work that we do, like

Unknown Speaker: 59:10

what are people chasing? Well, that sort of freedom to be able to live and work where you want. Yeah, not for everyone. But for those who are that way inclined.

Unknown Speaker: 59:22

Sounds magic to me. And it's definitely

Unknown Speaker: 59:25

about the Winnebago but something very similar having that freedom to

Unknown Speaker: 59:31

my gypsy childhood with my parents moving around everywhere I just I see I see a home on wheels and I go perfect.

Unknown Speaker: 59:39

Everything

Unknown Speaker: 59:41

but the concept of gray I just like there's something about them driving a big vehicle and and not having the flexibility. Is that a zip off somewhere that maybe

Unknown Speaker: 59:51

maybe I just need to get an electric bike to go with it. But

Unknown Speaker: 59:57

so AJ, what does

Unknown Speaker: 1:00:00

The future hold as you see it as you continue to inspire more men to to not just transform their physical well being but that that diamond diamond day transformation what impacts that going to have as you see it from you

Unknown Speaker: 1:00:18

impact on others or impact on my own life, your life the lives of the people you serve their communities the world. Yeah. And I got a message to share. And it's gonna get out there and I'm committed to just chipping away and

Unknown Speaker: 1:00:37

you know, keep hitting that pin yada until the lollies come out. So

Unknown Speaker: 1:00:43

yeah, if anyone's listening and I've got an opportunity for me to, to share with with with a bunch of guys or

Unknown Speaker: 1:00:51

come towards a retreat or just be a speaker or just inspire or do a workshop or anything like that. I would love the opportunity just to impact more and more people every day.

Unknown Speaker: 1:01:02

Good man. And AJ, where can people find you?

Unknown Speaker: 1:01:06

Like you go to my Instagram at AJ dot Harmer. And Facebook is the same aj.com Or they can find me there and send me a message and I are getting in contact with you. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker: 1:01:18

Good, man. Thank you for trusting me for your first podcast. I've loved it. So many inspiring messages. And yeah, I love what you're doing in the world. But really inspiring. Thanks saying I appreciate the opportunity. And thank you for what you're doing and giving me an opportunity just to voice my my care and concern and my passion for others today. Thank you. So welcome, man.

Unknown Speaker: 1:01:48

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Grief Code podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Please share it with a friend or family member that you know would benefit from hearing it too. If you are truly ready to heal your unresolved or unknown grief. Let's chat. Email me at info at Ian Hawkins coaching.com You can also stay connected with me by joining the Grief Code community at Ian Hawkins coaching.com forward slash The Grief Code and remember, so that I can help even more people to heal. Please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform

Ian Hawkins 0:02

Are you ready, ready to release internal pain to find confidence, clarity and direction for your future, to live a life of meaning, fulfillment and contribution to trust your intuition again, but something's been holding you back. You've come to the right place. Welcome. I'm a Ian Hawkins, the host and founder of The Grief Code podcast. Together, let's heal your unresolved or unknown grief by unlocking your grief code. As you tune into each episode, you will receive insight into your own grief, how to eliminate it and what to do next. Before we start by one request. If any new insights or awareness land with you during this episode, please send me an email at info at the Ian Hawkins coaching.com and let me know what you found. I know the power of this work. I love to hear the impact these conversations have. Okay, let's get into it. Everyone, welcome to this week's guest. AJ Harmer, AJ How am I

Unknown Speaker 1:07

doing? Well, thanks. And thanks for having me on.

Ian Hawkins 1:10

You are most welcome. Glad to have you. I think he says your first podcast as well was it

Unknown Speaker 1:15

very first podcast. So I'm at the mercy of the guru. And so love it gently. That'd be great.

Ian Hawkins 1:25

So that to a recent guest, I'll absolutely be gentle. Cool formalities out of the way. And as my listeners know, we get straight into it. So tell us about that moment for you that big moment of grief for you where it all sort of came crashing down? Well, we'll start with the moment and then we'll sort of unpack how I got to that point.

Unknown Speaker 1:51

bed, one Saturday morning in: 2000

Ian Hawkins 2:25

Yeah, and I think not. I think I know that. That's a moment that many can relate with that feeling of like, what? What's the point? Like? Surely there's more than this?

Unknown Speaker 2:38

Absolutely.

Ian Hawkins 2:40

So in that moment, was it then a? What were the steps that you took? If that's the kind of thinking you were, you were having was a sort of a negative reaction, then what did you What did you do? How did you how did you actually react to that thought?

Unknown Speaker 2:57

Well, I had to kind of reflect on what had led up to that point that got me to there. And, and I'd realized that I'd been living a very unhealthy life. And not only with my physical movement, and what I was eating, but also just the way I was looking after my well being. And that had been over the course of about three years that has led from being a relatively fit guy, to now our extremely unhealthy and what I would term Fat Man, with no drive and no direction, and a sense of loss in where to go next.

Ian Hawkins 3:35

So to fill in the blanks, you had accepted a role in Mondrian and western suburbs of Sydney, which is a fairly low socio economic part of Sydney and fairly tough sort of part of the world. Yes. And you go in there with a young family to serve those people. Tell us a little bit about like, just how immersed in the community you were because it was pretty full on Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 4:04

Yeah, well, when when we moved into the Mount Druitt area or into the western suburbs area, we're living pumped in at the time. And I went for a drive and I I found myself in, in beautiful suburb of Mount Druitt. And approached it was a Saturday morning and everything was quite in the in the carpark and I drove up to a Uniting Church building that I thought no one would be there because it was the weekend and tapped on the door and met the local worker there. And long story short, is that there had been a riot a couple of days before and all the community were coming together to kind of debrief on the on the right that had happened in bidwill. And she invited me along. So I turned up as the as the new guy, and stuck my hand up at one point and said, Hey, I've just arrived on the scene, and I want to serve, what can I do?

Ian Hawkins 4:58

Straight into it. So it's like it's all all happening and like baptism of fire almost.

Unknown Speaker 5:03

Absolutely. And it was like it was it was perfect timing for in regards to serving the local community because they said, the young people, the youth of this community don't have anything to do. They're running amok, so to speak. And I said, Well, I'm just here to serve. So let's start there.

Ian Hawkins 5:22

Yeah, cool. If we didn't go back to that moment, right, you've you've gone into a space where the desire is to serve, and to help other people. At that point, when you're lying there in the moment, in the bed in that moment, are you thinking, Are you realizing that you've been spending all your time and energy when other people are not focusing on yourself? Or was that too soon to sort of think like that?

Unknown Speaker 6:00

I just knew that I knew that needed to be changed, I was in that crisis moment where I just wanted to run. So the bonus, and that's what, and that's what I did. So it was essentially just trying to outsource what I'd begun. And I began a number of different services in the community over the three years. And I really didn't, I had the presence of mind not to want to see those dissolve. So I looked for other community groups that could take that on, and I passed them over. And then I essentially resigned from working with with the salvos, and went on to do other things. But it was just a case of just I just needed to get out there as quickly as I could. Because I was looking at myself in the mirror and what I saw and what I was thinking and wasn't good.

Ian Hawkins 6:48

Yeah. And so were you coming down on yourself hard at that point? Like, were you were you looking at the mistakes you've made? And or, again, too soon for that?

Unknown Speaker 6:59

repared to stay there for for: 1020

Ian Hawkins 8:27

Yeah, so tell us a little bit about just how just how full on it was because you said you were like you were literally living within the community, like next door to some of these people that needed your help. And it was like you're on call literally 24/7

Unknown Speaker 8:39

e a bit of a flashback to the: 1980

Ian Hawkins: 12:14

Just for context, you say you are an ordained minister in the in the church. Yep. So yeah, it just goes to show that there is a massive need for that sort of work. And it's something that you would notice, there's no naughty children, there's this children that are not having needs met, and you come in and produce something that there's just a hunger for. It's interesting on just just this week, coincidence, or not, of course, probably not. The highperformance podcast, they had a they get listeners to come on. And they there was a lady there who worked in a similar sort of space, providing exercise for youngsters in these low socio economic communities and what a difference is making because they've got structure and then their exercise. And you know, people are throwing a whole lot of other stuff at them that aren't really helping, but I imagine the impact that what you created there must have just rippled through in terms of how that would have improved the lives for the children, but also for the parents. And just that sense of community.

Unknown Speaker: 13:20

It was it was extremely welcomed. And the community was very thankful for it, there was nothing like, like, when I went to that debrief for that Riot, and everyone was there, the chief of police was there was nothing for the young people just had nothing to do. So they were extremely bored. And, and it was, it was just something that was was almost a no brainer, like we just put something on, it's fun. We're available for them, it's somewhere they can go. So they're not cooped up at home in the evenings on a Friday night. And it also gave the parents a bit of respite from what ever was going on for them and with their children. So it was kind of a win win for everybody.

Ian Hawkins: 14:00

Nice. No brainer. The but there's a fair bit of the just thinking on your feet, like you said that I always look for that thing that people do that they just think it's obvious, but it's not obvious to everyone right. So that your ability to sort of join the dots there particularly quickly that that's a gift.

Unknown Speaker: 14:20

Yeah, I think so. And I really appreciate that and it's one of my fond memories of that community I sometimes I still over there from time to time and I drive through the community to remember the barbecues and I remember the I got a scar on my on my here on my on my elbow where I was playing some touch football on the road and and as I got heavier and as I got bigger I wasn't as as light on my feet and I did trip and slide down one of the roads and I've got this big scar on my elbow now but it's it's a memory it's a it's a place where I can look at and I can remember my time there in fact Some of my tattoos are actually done by the locals. So it's interesting what you can, how you can share life with somebody while they're, they're tattooing your arm, you'll learn a lot about them and their background. And, yeah, I did some quite quite an unconventional things. But I definitely did build a lot of respect in the community and trust. And it's a highlight of my highlight of my, of my time there was starting that Youth Network. Yeah.

Ian Hawkins: 15:35

Awesome. Now, you mentioned your weight there. And there are certain elements of you mentioned, exercise and diet. But what I know of when you are serving people, and you are taking on too much it will manifest in your body in some way for some people that manifests in pain for some people that manifests in illness. And then of course, it manifests in ways like literally, you're holding on to everyone's stuff. Yeah. Tell us a little bit about how hard that was for you to be managing the well being and emotions of just so many people at that time.

Unknown Speaker: 16:14

Yeah, well, I think that being in the salvos, one of the things that you that you kind of adhere to is the absence of, you know, the drugs and alcohol. And so of course, if you're going to medicate because of the stress, what do you do you go to the fridge. So for me, I think eating was my way of coping with the stories that I was hearing and, and what I was seeing through the day, and just slowly over time, I mean, your horrible habits aren't always that obvious. When you're stuck in them, but over time, it just crept into me and into my, into my weight and my, my well being in my health, and that was eventually just led to that moment where I was, I was consumed by, by the stress of the role, and I was overtaken by my, my, my body that was out of condition.

Ian Hawkins: 17:09

And you summed it up well there because it's often how these things happen, whether again, whether it's weight, or injury or illness, it's like, it happens slowly, that we might not notice in a day or a week or even a month, but then suddenly, at some point, we're like, wow, how did we get here? Yeah, and it's either a moment where your body just says, I'm not doing this anymore, and it shuts down or, or a moment of clarity, like you described. So at that point, you're like, Okay, I need to get out. Now, we won't go fully into this, because I respect your privacy in this space, but from your perspective, and must have put tremendous pressure on you and your family in that space where you're having to deal with all of this.

Unknown Speaker: 17:52

Yeah, so I'm an overweight guy at this stage and a sense of loss that I haven't gone through with my mission to stay there for decades, and see the community you know, just joining with the community for that amount of time. And also when you when you're with the salvos, you kind of they've got the furniture, they've got the house, they got the car, so we left with nothing. Yeah. Wow. It was it was Danny again, fortunately, for us are one of our neighbors. Her name was Dawn, her daughter, and we'd built a great relationship with Donna and her daughter had a granny flat in me planes. So at least we had a place to go. So we moved to me planes in us in a granny flat at the back. And that's where we started again.

Ian Hawkins: 18:38

It's amazing what shows up when you need it. Right? And particularly if you've been someone who's been giving

Unknown Speaker: 18:44

Yeah, well see, Dawn was outcrop lady. If we go back to that first night, the youth Youth Network that I started when I moved into our street, I went knocking on the doors to introduce myself. And Don was one of the ladies that kind of opened the door slightly just to look through. And I said G'day I'm I'm AJ I've just moved local community. I'm just down the road. That's one of the say hi and, and, and long story short over. Over a little while, she led me into her house. And she said, Hey, I just want to I want to show you something. And she took me to her bedroom. And she just had the most beautiful craft setup that she was doing just on her own. I said don't Why do you do this and she'd suffered from depression and she'd lost a partner and mum and dad had passed away that she had some trauma in her life and it was her way of just kind of her therapy on her own. I said Dawn, this is too good to keep a secret. You've got to get this out and into the into the public and she said no way. I'm not doing that. Well I just wound it down over over time knocking on that door and she became the craft lady and a very good friend of of ours because we lived right next door so that's awesome. When we needed to her when she needed that because she'd say that pretty much that craft thing. She's she's gone on record to say that being involved that saved her life. Wow. And and in return she's she's supported us in our time of need. So a beautiful kind of completion to the circle of care.

Ian Hawkins: 20:19

That's awesome. I tingles all over from that one. That's cool. Tell me, were there some moments like you mentioned you were there on call 24/7 Were there some scary moments through that time where were people knocking on your door or sheets gone down. And that was pretty full on.

Unknown Speaker: 20:39

It's interesting, you say that I never in the time that I was there felt unsafe. And I'd be walking the streets at all hours, I think because the report had been built and I was there to serve and people kind of understood and look at that took time. That can be wrong when you move into a new community. And people have moved in before and moved out there. You can, there can be some suspicion around what you're doing. So it took me some time to kind of build that trust. But then I didn't feel unsafe, like one of the locals used to call me the mayor, the mayor of Bethel, which was an interesting title, but I just I didn't feel unsafe at all there, I can understand that. Most people would feel maybe a little weary of situations. But now I was there for the right reason. And I knew these, this community was was beautiful at heart and are beautiful, and never felt unsafe at all.

Ian Hawkins: 21:39

I feel like you the energy you bring into her environment is what you will have projected back to you. So if you went in there fearful of what might happen, well, then, you know, attract. So confirmation bias, right, you'll attract what what you need to support what your beliefs are, but your belief and I imagine that a fair bit of that's come from your own upbringing, you said your parents were both ministers in the salvation army as well. And that you were going from sort of house to house community community having so you've had a fair bit of experience in these sort of environments already. And role modeling as well.

Unknown Speaker: 22:19

100%. Mum and Dad have just been the best example of what it is to care for people. And mom had a book written about a couple of years back called the angel in the courthouse. Wow, it was her story of her upbringing, but also her ministry in the courts and prison work with dad. And there's actually a picture of me in that book. And I'm five years old, and I'm sitting beside kids that are younger than me. And I'm reading them a story. These kids in the book that I was reading a story to had been removed from their, their families due to neglect, and my parents were looking after them. And I was sitting beside them reading reading a book and kind of caring for them. So when you say I've done it for a little while, you don't I don't sometimes forget that I've participated in in care and serving since I was that age. And there's a picture of me it wasn't until I opened the book and I saw that picture went Oh, my goodness, I've been participating in the care of our people for for a very long time and all credit to my my mum and dad for showing me what it is to love people to care for people.

Ian Hawkins: 23:24

Yeah, we'll get more into the work you do now. But to me like nothing better demonstrates your ability to help people and the fact you've been doing it your whole life. Yeah. Like it becomes so natural, because it's just what you've had role model and you've done it. I mentioned before you come on, and I'll get different things in my body. And I'll follow the nudges and I can't leave this one line because I've got this itch on my left leg, which is usually a reflection of like, is there something going on with your right sort of calf or lower leg or an injury or something that's not

Unknown Speaker: 23:55

not?

Ian Hawkins: 24:00

We'll come back to that.

Unknown Speaker: 24:03

Hang on, go back. Hang on. Hang on. What did you say?

Ian Hawkins: 24:07

Says my left my left front of my left shin sort of thing. Yeah, but what should be a mirror of your right eye? Imagine?

Unknown Speaker: 24:14

So I have had down in my bottom calf like the towards the ankle. I have had a little bit of muscle strain there. Yeah, but I do a hell of a lot of walking. So.

Ian Hawkins: 24:27

Yeah. Okay, look, if it's okay, we'll go we'll go into this a bit. Because like you said, like the work that you do, right, you you bring other elements to weight loss. It's not just exercise and diet. It's like it's the mental and the emotional side of it. Because when you can shift that then the other two things become easier. So yes, that walking and someone asked me this the other day when I was talking about some sort of injury that was actually it was a it was a client I referenced in one of my posts about how they turned up with a backache and they Oh, yeah, well, that's because I've been doing this, this, this and this. And I might Yeah, but that's just because we invite things into our world similar to the confirmation bias to support what's going on. So if we've got something going on with our back, we will do something that will exacerbate the injury so that the walking is the is what brings it to the surface rather than the cause. And right is usually around masculine right is usually and leg is usually around something about moving forward. So as the as the carer, and someone that's probably spent a fair bit of time in the predominantly sort of that nurturing feminine energy, not not female, feminine. Are there times where you can get it again, I'll say this from my own experience, you can lack that ability to do the things that need to be done to actually get it done, because the nurturing stuff just comes so much easier.

Unknown Speaker: 26:07

Can you ask me that in a different way?

Ian Hawkins: 26:10

So the experience for me is like the default is, when things are getting a bit challenging, oldest do some caring or nurturing. I'll look after someone else to distract myself from the things I need to do for me.

Unknown Speaker: 26:22

Yeah. Have you read? Have you read my Facebook Post this morning? Exactly what I wrote. Yeah, right. Yeah, I said, I said, in fact, the gun on the whiteboard there, make sure you go and grab it, then a little whiteboard thing, essentially, it's saying be the source of what you seek. So if you're feeling unhappy, then go and bring some joy. And if you're feeling anxious, go and bring some calm to somebody else. And kind of transcend your own moment by giving away some support and somebody else,

Ian Hawkins: 26:57

huh? Yeah, that's good. So I guess the only other the only other thing and we'll we'll leave that alone. Like I said, this is like a bit like a coaching session as well. It's just been thinking about what you already know, right? That balance is like getting that balance, right? And see how your muscle soreness in that party leg goes? Yeah. And for the listeners, it's just making sure that sometimes when your body's got something going on, it's not always just because you did X Y, Zed, you got an injury here. It's even though old injuries, they're all reflection of something that's going on that we bring about unconsciously, it's not deliberate act. So as as a youngster growing up in that environment, it must have been so positive in so many different ways. But was there elements where you were looking out at the rest of the world and going wouldn't be nice to have a bit more of this? It would be nice to have some more? Yeah, I don't know. Like, for me, I'd be like, jumping from one place to the next, like friends, for example, like, does it kind of is that was that a real challenge as a youngster?

Unknown Speaker: 28:18

Yeah, it was a challenge to find friends and to fit into new schools and be the new guy in the class all the time. And but that's all I've known. And so I really don't know any other way. It's kind of when I look at other people. And they told me that they've been in the same house a whole life or worked in the same workplace their whole whole career. It's a it's, it's something my brain kind of can't comprehend. Like, how could you stick in one place for that long, but I'm trying to bring the the positive to moving around, I've just had so many great opportunities to meet with people. And it's, it's given me the ability just to kind of just to kind of adapt really quickly to situations and to kind of move very lightly Yeah, around and negotiating life. So yeah.

Ian Hawkins: 29:09

And you must have developed skills to be able to break the ice with new people and almost be like a chameleon and filling in new environments effortlessly.

Unknown Speaker: 29:19

Yeah, I have been termed the chameleon or the lone wolf or whatever you want to want to call me but yeah, it definitely gave me the skills just to connect with people. And look, mum and dad always taught me you know, be be interested in be interesting. And you'll get you'll get through so I've tried to I've tried to maintain that as serving heart but be very interested in people's lives and what they're doing. And also be interesting in some way. Have them wanting to know more about you so you can just kind of continue that relationship.

Ian Hawkins: 29:53

Okay, cool. Once you go to interesting part that people are drawn to

Unknown Speaker: 30:00

I do I do actually some close up magic. So people love that. So yeah, I watched in fact, I watched this is where I learned this skill as well was in in bidwill. Where for the for the youth at the Christmas time we wanted the special guests I got the magician to come in. And his name was rod is is left Earth now and he came in and I just watched the incredible report that he built with the kids so quickly through the art of our farm, close up card magic and he became a long story short he became a very good friend of mine and a few years later gave me an opportunity to be the close up magician on the Sydney show by myself so I was on roster with him. It was pretty cool to us four nights a week on the Sydney showboat doing close up magic with the with the guests from all around the world and bring some joy in and and then pulling the curtains for the showgirls. So that wasn't too bad, either.

Ian Hawkins: 31:01

Nice. So you must have had a knack for it. Is it something about like what what's the art to what is that the being able to talk?

Unknown Speaker: 31:09

Yeah, I think it's connecting with people that has always said I have natural ability to communicate with people, you're a great communicator, someone and you're a class act and all these kind of beautiful competence my dad would give me so I think just the ability to once again be interested in and be interesting. And under context, like a cruise around the harbor with international guests is always something to ask. And there was always great stories from around the world. So and of course, the interesting part I brought was I was doing some magic for them. So it's kind of a perfect match.

Ian Hawkins: 31:41

Perfect. So how do you go from from that space where you feeling like you need to get out to them rebuilding your life, like you've, you've got a granny fat but at that point, you've got no job. So what sort of steps did you take to get yourself back on track?

Unknown Speaker: 32:02

Yeah, well, the only thing I'd really known up to that point was caring for people. So I looked for a job in the in the community service work and ended up working for another quite large nonprofit. And I worked with young people so I looked for somewhere that I could work with young people in a community service work again and and step out of the salvos and moved in with another organization that was in merrylands.

Ian Hawkins: 32:30

Yeah. And do you then, like what how long was the transition? Like how much longer do you that kind of work before you made a decision? Like how did that decision come about where you're like, I need to do things differently.

Unknown Speaker: 32:44

It was pretty much immediately I needed to do stuff differently and I was forced to move my body a little bit more because this new job that I'd found in Maryland's we only had the one car and and and I couldn't use that so I bought myself a pushbike. Oh always writing for me new planes to to any plane station and then catching a train all the way to Maryland and then writing from Maryland station up to the drop in center for the young people. And that was my that was my exercise for the day in the start of moving my body more appropriately than what I've done for the previous three years.

Ian Hawkins: 33:25

So the the exercise kind of forced upon you by circumstance, how did you get around the mental side of the fact that you've walked away from a mission that you thought you'd be at for a long time?

Unknown Speaker: 33:36

Yeah, we need to back up the track a little bit, just to remind you remind our listeners that I'll let them know that I wasn't always a big guy. I in 2001, I actually won the men's health fitness challenge for the Men's Health magazine, body Trent, I'd been overweight before. And I entered that competition with 1300 other competitors and to transform my body and end up winning the competition. And there's more to that story too, and the birth of my firstborn that essentially the winnings from that competition paid for IVF and then he was Wow. So it's another another great story of when I look at him, he's he's really my trophy for for that effort. So that's awesome. So I know how to move I know how to train my body it's just did in that period of time, from 2007 to 2010. I lost my way because my focus was on others and I really wasn't balanced at all with my with my life. So getting back from getting back into into gear was like it was muscle memory like I knew what to do. And now I wasn't in a position where I had to give my time and my energy away to everybody else. But now I can go okay, what do I need to do to get this to get myself back on track so I Got the work?

Ian Hawkins: 35:02

Good on you. So it's better, like the weight thing and the health thing has been a bit of a, like an ongoing challenge. Obviously no longer given the the nature of the work that you do and the disciplines and the processes you've put in place. What's interesting is that, like, I got the each in both cars when you started telling that story about the around the the competition Yeah, so actually could have been like you've given us an each not a pain, maybe it's actually quite a positive thing of like, that you actually thrive in that sort of competitive environment and being able to get demonstrate your your abilities.

Unknown Speaker: 35:45

Yeah, I've people have mentioned to me that, you know, my ability to acquire skills quickly is is inspiring. I was a drummer in a rock band, I learned the drums. And then then they didn't have Sorry, I was a guitar player first in the band, and they couldn't find a drummer. So I sold the guitar and the drums, and then it was the primer, and then I'm learning how to transfer my body and then become a personal trainer. And then you know, I want to do magic. So I'm learning how to do do magic and working on Sydney, on the Sydney show both so a lot of skills, those skill acquisition, in the ability just I really wanted to be able to support people and give them some hope that they can do that to whatever it is that's in front of them that they want to require that they have. They can do that. Mm hmm.

Ian Hawkins: 36:33

So you're inspiring. They're inspiring them by your own actions to be able to take things on and then giving them the tools they need to do the same.

Unknown Speaker: 36:41

I would hope so, you know, I've heard it said you have to be the book before you write the book. And so I don't want to be I don't want to be preaching something that I'm not leaving myself. So yeah, here I am. And hopefully it's it's impacting people's lives.

Ian Hawkins: 36:59

So how did you go from working back in the caring sort of space to magic to deciding you want to be a PT

Unknown Speaker: 37:09

I just think that working and particularly working with, with, with men, so I just, if I reflect back to the way I was feeling in 2007 as a guy, and how helpless I felt and how adrift from from purpose, I thought there must be some you know, I'm not the only one that's going through that especially as a fella Reese recently had word in that a friend that I've known for a long time that moved to a country town taken his life just after after Boxing Day, a heartbreaking, heartbreaking news and just confirmed to me that I'm I'm working with the right group of people that I'm I'm a guy, I'm a middle aged guy, I just turned 50 A couple of weeks back and I know fitness I know health and fitness, I know how to have a strong mind, I know that discipline is required to push through and acquire new skills. So I'm a bloke that that knows a few things that's seen it through a few things in 50 years and just want to reach out to other guys and support them where I can and fitness as you change your body and you change your physiology you can change your whole concept of of your reality. So why not start there with with men and help them with their, with their weight with their fitness. And yeah, move forward that way

Ian Hawkins: 38:44

together. Love that. And from that story that you mentioned around dawn, like you have that ability to save live, literally and know for me that while there's so many other elements to it, you need to be looking after all the different elements and for for a fair while I haven't had to put a lot of work into my way. So I wasn't so it was impacting all areas of my life because I want to throw myself into fitness but the moment you prioritize that, what's developing muscles, whether it's weights or running or football or whatever it is the moment you have your put yourself in a place where you have to actually you have to exert yourself. Yeah, you have to have that discipline to go this is hard, but I'm gonna keep going anyway. Yeah. And that changes everything. So for you in that space of you're helping people to lose weight, but what are some of the impacts that that you've had from clients that that have been well beyond just them losing weight and feeling better in their body?

Unknown Speaker: 40:00

Yeah, well look, the benefits that are coming is the way that they're feeling about themselves. And that's impacting other areas of life. So people are that were stuck in, in in jobs that they they didn't really that wasn't their passion areas and now stretching themselves to look for for new work in stretching some some themselves into new careers. It's just, it's, I go with weight loss, and I try and work with their bodies. But I'll tell you what's happening is their minds are expanding and as their minds are expanding of what's what's possible, as they see, like, if this was possible for my body, what else can I do? And they're just going to Arias had a guy that wants to do stand up so and he's been fearful of doing stand up comedy and, and just the way that I've worked with him and the change in his, his body and his I guess, self belief. And now he's reaching out in and making some some connections with stand up. So it's not only the health and the fitness and the way you look, it's it's the your aspirations and dreams, that transform as well. And to be honest, that's, that's really what I'm after that long lasting, that long lasting change in self belief, and that long lasting change in how that then can spill over on to other people that are that are watching you transform. So yeah,

Ian Hawkins: 41:25

fantastic. And it makes me think back to what you talked about, you'd lost that sense of purpose. And when you bring that back through your own physical journey, like you've been helping other people that it's not just about the physical, yes, like you've you've helped him to reach something that he really wants to do. And to me, like what a gift that you're giving people through that work that you're doing?

Unknown Speaker: 41:52

Well, look, if I sent them a simple exercise task, or a discipline that they need to complete the fact that they're completing it, and then saying, I completed it is like they're making a promise to themselves, and they're keeping their promise. And then all of a sudden their esteem and self belief because I've done something that I said I would, there's so many people that say I'll do this, and I'll do that, and they never do it, or they never get around to doing it, or there's something that gets in the way. And what that says to them is that, you know, I can't follow through on my own actions and and then their self belief just plummets. So it's the simple task and that I give my clients and that just sets them on this trajectory forward.

Ian Hawkins: 42:30

So good. So I imagine that over the course of the your own transformation, that you've learned some pretty powerful messages. So what's something that you've you've learned beyond what you would like the incredible upbringing you had, what's something you learn about yourself, and maybe some process or tool or something else that you've adopted, that's been a real game changer for you.

Unknown Speaker: 42:55

Yeah, I need structure needs to be I need systems in my day, to make sure that I'm going to bed at the end of the night and I'm, I'm taking it off as a win for the day. And so I've got this, this model or this concept I call the diamond day and it's a bit of a play on the other first one I've actually spoken to about this and so the diamond days we'd have a play on words, it's the diamond as in a gym, or something of value, if we can hold that picture in our mind but then we've also got the image of the baseball diamond and there's there's four bases around and so if we want to hit the ball out of the park, we want to get a home run for the day, we have to make our way around the bases. And the base is a your your body mind soul in your spirit or end, just assigning tasks, those different bases so at the end of the night, I can say okay, what have I done for my body? I've moved my body I've gone for a walk have eaten well got some sunshine, what have I done for my mind? I've read a couple of pages of a book or I've listened to a podcast or what have I done for my soul? I I've spent some time in meditation and I've just quiet and myself down I've listened to my breath. And what have I done for my spirit? I've kind of connected I've connected with other people I've reached out of I've supported someone I've made a phone call or send a text message that system not about me receiving but it may have given and so if I can get to bed at the end of the night and go okay, did I hit the ball out of the park today have I made my way around the bases have I had a diamond day, then I can sleep well at night. So that's a little i in my gym, I've actually got a picture of a it's a diamond. And and I've got another I'm looking at it now. And it's there's another black and white picture that says home run. So it just reminds me that just to make my way around the base as long as I'm just as on those touch points. If I'm just doing one to one activity on those four bases around the day, I can go to bed no matter what else is crowding in on me. I can go to bed knowing that I've I've invested in my own wellness and over.

Ian Hawkins: 44:56

So good. I'm actually going to have a crack at that. That's Sounds magic, love it. I'm also a creature of needing structure. And similar to you, I've built so many different structures around my world. Because without it, I just can go on tangents and distractions in isolation and all sorts, the more tools you can have to bring you back into getting it done.

Unknown Speaker: 45:22

And I'm a very visual guy. So I've got to have the, I've got to have the quotes up on the wall, I've got to have the pictures, I've got to have the rock kind of pointing at me saying, you know, that success is all about, you know, you know, consistency and all this kind of stuff. So I, I've got that little home gym, I'm pointing to it over there, it's a little home gym, that makes it easier for me to that I can't avoid it. It's, it's obvious. So it needs to be it needs to get done.

Ian Hawkins: 45:47

So that's cool. Early on, you mentioned that the the impact that having that the youth network set up the impact that had and how they actually build trust with the kids, but also build trust with the parents, and then you're suddenly building this incredible community, that ripple effect? What's the ripple effect in a positive way that taking someone through the weight loss journey has on the person on their family and their community? Yeah.

Unknown Speaker: 46:19

It's, it's, it's incredible, just the feedback that I'm getting from the clients, the other comments that they're getting from their family, or that dad's moving more and, and the partner is drinking more water and taking more care of themselves. So it just elevates the whole family unit, to be honest, just by this one person engaging in some self care and a plan to move forward. So I've had comments of colleagues of clients making mentioned that they've got more energy, and they're more you know, that their, their productivity around the day is increased as well. So it just impacts so many different areas.

Ian Hawkins: 46:57

And it comes back to, to what I know to be true is that when we want to create a shift in the people around us, we we can't control them into doing it. But we can come back into self control. Okay, what can I do differently to be better? What can I do to inspire, which is what you're describing, right? These these men you're working with? Inspiring that change in other people, because there's so much more of what we do has an impact on what we say. In fact, if we're not walking the walk that the talks just words, it just float on by and have zero meaning

Unknown Speaker: 47:33

100% And let me just share a little poem with you that my dad taught me that's is that, okay, if I share a poem it was it's called the human touch. And it goes simply like this hope I can remember it. It's the human touch in the world that counts the touch of your hand in line. That means far more to the suffering sold and shelter, food or wine, because the shoulders gone when the night is over, and food last but for one day, but that's touch of the hand and the sound of the voice lives on in the heart always. So you know, it's it's people are watching, and you can create a huge impact by just what you do.

Ian Hawkins: 48:10

Love it. And that's what a great demonstration of exactly what we've been saying. Is that something that your dad left you? Yes, I just had such a positive impact that it's etched in your memory.

Unknown Speaker: 48:23

Yeah, it's, I love poetry, I love the imagery of reaching out and helping people and, and making an impact on look, it's the only thing we can really leave with the way I feel about it in my life. It's the it's the legacy. It's the only thing, it's the currency I can leave behind. You know what I mean? Like how I affect others. One of the things that I did get tattooed on my arm in you can't see it here. It's a it's not a very good looking tattoo. But it's simply the letters o t h e RS, which says others. So it's a constant reminder on my here that that's where my emphasis should be. Obviously, self care, but this this opportunity, I've got to just impact lives and impact others, with kindness and with care with concern, and just helping them. Look, we're all on the way home, hey, we're just leading each other home. So if I can do that, through health and fitness, and through my own journey of transformation, then that's a life well lived.

Ian Hawkins: 49:31

I love that. And if people are over complicating their path and looking for meaning what you described, there could be the simplest way that you can ever put it so well said. Now, I'm just gonna join a few dots here. You can think on your feet and come up with ideas on the run. You watch someone do something and you pick up the skills really quickly. Like like mimicking. You've talked about the creative element. To me, it's like you're a big He thinks Oh, so you must have ideas constantly, you must have a lot of cool visions for what the future looks like. I'd love for you to share maybe one of those ideas that hasn't come to fruition yet. But you've, you've thought, okay, that that's going to be cool, I'm definitely pointing that for something that I want to help, not just for me in the future, but will have an impact for the greater good.

Unknown Speaker: 50:27

Yeah, I do have a vision board in my gym, and there's a couple of images on there that will come to be because I feel like it's my, my purpose, and my calling. And that is to, to speak to groups of people, on their potential on their worth. You know, when I'm speaking with my clients, I might be speaking to them about health and fitness. But I tell you, the message that's coming through loud and clear, is a lot of them don't feel like they're enough. And that's leading to habits that don't serve them. So and I'm getting tingles now, to saying that, because the ability to look down, and because I do my coaching not only in person, but online, to look down the camera at them. And just to remind them that they are enough, is, is a beautiful gift to be able to share with another guy. And, you know, in a world that that, well, it's a changing world, but in a in a space where sharing that kind of a message with another man can be seen in different ways to be able to just look at a guy and say, You know what, despite what's happened, and you are an overcomer, you are enough, and you will win. And I'm going to join with you and I'm going to do what I can to make sure that you prosper. That's one of one of my dreams, just to be able to do that in, in a capacity, like increasing capacity, whether it be on a stage or over camera, or through a book. So I've got a picture of a stage with group of people, I'd love to be speaking life into groups of men. I'd love to write a book and yeah, just impacting where I can.

Ian Hawkins: 52:16

We should have a talk after this, because I just had this idea around. Exactly that. Creating a platform for men speaking to men. So thank you inspired me words given you've grown up in that, Christian, that's a good description, upbringing, and, and you've gone into that line of work. Are you still practicing? From a religious standpoint? Is it more spiritual is a bit of both? Like, how do you see the word from world from that spiritual perspective now?

Unknown Speaker: 53:02

Well, my upbringing was in a Christian faith. So I would say that, you know, words like church, Christian, etc, have become a little bit become a bit of a dirty word in in communities and in culture. So I'm more likely to say that I follow Christian principles where I can. Being someone that's not perfect, I made plenty mistakes, and I make mistakes every day, and I'm going to be making them tomorrow but I tried to look at the Christian principles and there was no Christianity before Jesus so I guess I look to, to that. That historical figure as as a guide for how to care for people and you see him walking around and just just not segregating people and not labeling people but just looking for opportunities to serve. And one of the things I used to say I was I would do with people was I was loitering with intent. Someone says what is AJ do he loiters with intent? I love that description. Because what it said to me is I'm just looking for opportunities to serve. I'm just I've, I've, I've got a keen eye and an open heart just to try and meet need where I find it whether it be in the streets or in someone's home. So yeah, to get back to your your question. My motive is like my you need or you need a Y for the work that you do in life. And over on my whiteboard there. My y is the passion. It's in John 1010 and it says The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy but I've come to give you life and all its fullness. So for a lot of the people that I work with, what's been destroyed in their life is their sense of well being their self belief, their physical In the physical shell has been, hasn't been looked after. And that's preventing them from that next part, which is a prosperous life or a life in all its fullness or a life of abundance. So that really is my, my go to passage of, of the Bible that I'll go through just to motivate me forward to help people.

Ian Hawkins: 55:25

I love that. And for those who don't don't consider themselves religious, or they've had a maybe a negative religious experience, they've gone away from it, you come back to just the story of Jesus, like, he didn't actually have a lot of time for the church at times as well. Right? He was more about well, how can we help serve people best and, and not putting one person above anyone, even even a? Well, Minister for whatever terminology they used to use back then a priest or whatever it is, but instead, like, how can we look after others, but I'm sure that, given the work that he did, he would have put a fair bit of time and energy into his own well being, because how could he have possibly been able to serve that way? If he didn't?

Unknown Speaker: 56:16

Absolutely, there was times there, where he's withdrawing, and he's retreating, and he's just kind of filling his own cup. So we've got to do the same, but But what a great opportunity, I feel like I'm, I'm, I'm 50 years old, and I've, geez, I've got so much to do. I feel so passionate about what there is to do. And, and, you know, as people watching, you know, like, we created a legacy to my my boys who was 19, and 17, and 19. Now, they're watching that, and they're watching his emphasis, and they always have, but they're watching at this time in my life, when I, I could possibly be thinking about slowing down or retirements could be up ahead, but I'm charging, I've got things to do. I've got people to reach and a message to share. And I ain't done yet.

Ian Hawkins: 57:08

Good men, and women definitely going to cut this one, um, to highlight because how many people get to a later age and have missed the boat? After it's too late? It's like, no, it's never too late. And it's not like I'm the same people people work their lives to get to retirement. Or what if you die, not long after you retire, which is a familiar tale, right? That. So my dad was was only, you know, less than 10 years into his retirement, and he passes away. It's like, you're living how why? Like, and I've said to the kids, I'm not retiring. Like, I love what I do. I'll keep doing this in some capacity forever. Because of 40 gives me as well.

Unknown Speaker: 57:52

Yeah. And the thing is, when you're in a in a service role, or a caring role in your motive is to kind of serve people when when could just wait, there's actually no retirement date. Because everywhere you look, there's somebody with a need. So if you've got a heart to serve, and you've got a keen eye to observe people that may need your support then and you love what you're doing, like the best, the best definition of of a of a vocation that's the seats like a like a well balanced vote vocation was the one I heard that was your fully self expressed in the service of others, and rewarded for your contribution. So that's kind of three points they fully self expressed in the service of others and rewarded for your contribution. So why would you want to retire if you had an opportunity to do that? For people? Like, let's keep going like I'm already looking at a Winnebago I can go jumping the Winnebago and, and go traveling and supporting and serving people at the same time, you know, invest in my own well being but at the same time have a have an eye for others.

Ian Hawkins: 58:57

Yeah, I love that. And to me, that's what that's all the positive elements of of the work that we do, like what are people chasing? Well, that sort of freedom to be able to live and work where you want. Yeah, not for everyone. But for those who are that way inclined. Sounds magic to me. And it's definitely about the Winnebago but something very similar having that freedom to

Unknown Speaker: 59:31

my gypsy childhood with my parents moving around everywhere I just I see I see a home on wheels and I go perfect.

Ian Hawkins: 59:39

Everything but the concept of gray I just like there's something about them driving a big vehicle and and not having the flexibility. Is that a zip off somewhere that maybe maybe I just need to get an electric bike to go with it. But so AJ, what does The future hold as you see it as you continue to inspire more men to to not just transform their physical well being but that that diamond diamond day transformation what impacts that going to have as you see it from you

Unknown Speaker: 1:00:17

impact on others or impact on my own life,

Ian Hawkins: 1:00:21

your life the lives of the people you serve their communities the world.

Unknown Speaker: 1:00:26

Yeah. And I got a message to share. And it's gonna get out there and I'm committed to just chipping away and you know, keep hitting that pin yada until the lollies come out. So yeah, if anyone's listening and I've got an opportunity for me to, to share with with with a bunch of guys or come towards a retreat or just be a speaker or just inspire or do a workshop or anything like that. I would love the opportunity just to impact more and more people every day.

Ian Hawkins: 1:01:02

Good man. And AJ, where can people find you?

Unknown Speaker: 1:01:06

Like you go to my Instagram at AJ dot Harmer. And Facebook is the same aj.com Or they can find me there and send me a message and I are getting in contact with you. Yeah.

Ian Hawkins: 1:01:18

Good, man. Thank you for trusting me for your first podcast. I've loved it. So many inspiring messages. And yeah, I love what you're doing in the world. But really inspiring.

Unknown Speaker: 1:01:34

Thanks saying I appreciate the opportunity. And thank you for what you're doing and giving me an opportunity just to voice my my care and concern and my passion for others today. Thank you.

Ian Hawkins: 1:01:45

So welcome, man. I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Grief Code podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Please share it with a friend or family member that you know would benefit from hearing it too. If you are truly ready to heal your unresolved or unknown grief. Let's chat. Email me at info at Ian Hawkins coaching.com You can also stay connected with me by joining the Grief Code community at Ian Hawkins coaching.com forward slash The Grief Code and remember, so that I can help even more people to heal. Please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform