Healing From Loss To Become A Better Parent with Irina Shehovsov

Ian Hawkins 0:02

Are you ready, ready to release internal pain to find confidence, clarity and direction for your future, to live a life of meaning, fulfillment and contribution to trust your intuition again, but something's been holding you back. You've come to the right place. Welcome. I'm a Ian Hawkins, the host and founder of The Grief Code podcast. Together, let's heal your unresolved or unknown grief by unlocking your grief code. As you tune into each episode, you will receive insight into your own grief, how to eliminate it and what to do next. Before we start by one request. If any new insights or awareness land with you during this episode, please send me an email at info at the end Hawkins coaching.com. And let me know what you found. I know the power of this word. I love to hear the impact these conversations have. Okay, let's get into it.

Hi, everyone. And welcome to this week's guests Irene. I didn't even get the first bit right. I was worried how I was going to play us a second party you name it. I've got the first one. Irina Shahab sav. How do I go?

Unknown Speaker 1:18

It sounds good.

Ian Hawkins 1:20

Good. Good. Welcome. How are you?

Unknown Speaker 1:25

Thank you. I'm great. Thank you for having me.

Ian Hawkins 1:28

You're so welcome. I'm honored to have you on I appeared on your podcast sometime back and I really enjoyed the experiment. So I'm looking forward to this conversation to shine the spotlight on you Irina and what you do. So as we talked about, before we jumped on in this podcast, we get straight to the big stuff. So could you share with our listeners? What was that that moment for you that that changed everything in your life?

Unknown Speaker 1:53

Yes. So I am a single mom of two kids and three days before my second child was born, he's now eight, I find out that from my them spouse that everything was a mistake. And we shouldn't have been together and I feeling that emptiness inside, dedicating my life to my family, and feeling my body kind of split open. My top part where love used to live, I felt the whole was Foreman site and the bottom part where my baby lay wanted to preserve and keep safe. And like rub my belly and I said no matter what happens, I will always love you to my unborn baby. Yeah, that was the moment that kind of changed everything that I didn't see it coming. It was unexpected. It was not something I was anticipating. It was very difficult task time in my life. And I was living in that kind of, you know, when you just ticking boxes off, you fulfill the obligations, but mentally, emotionally, you're checked out to somewhere else, you're not really there yet. So the first steps like when my son took his first steps, they're not as vivid on when he's uttered his first word versus when my daughter was growing up. Because I was mentally physically present present, but with my son was different.

Ian Hawkins 3:20

So so how was it different so, so that that moment, I love that you had the awareness to say, Well, I'm I'm going to have the intention that I don't allow this to affect my relationship with my son, which I think is just beautiful. I don't think many would have had that presence of mind. Maybe Maybe Maybe I'm under estimating that power of that maternal instinct that in that moment. So then you the reality of that then hits home. So now you're going to bring this child into the world, knowing that you're not going to have your partner they're like, what those three days must have just been a absolute roller coaster. What like, what sort of thoughts went through your head in those in those those first three days and those early moments?

Unknown Speaker 4:12

The immediate sorts, like what whatever did I do to deserve this? I thought I was a good wife. I was home I was present I was cooking, I was doing what a good wife supposed to do. How did this happen? And like, instantly, you know, like we say now feeling like a victim like life is happening to me. Leaving in the fog, not knowing what next step to take is the right step. Because, you know growing up, we have this idea of how a perfect family should be that it should be a mother and the father and the child. And when this reality that you have this perceived upbringing and then reality doesn't match the picture you have in your head, you start living in dissonance, you start feeling depressed and broken. And this is how I was feeling. And the thoughts, we actually went. And we had some sessions with a psychologist, after which I felt even more broken, and depressed. bawling my eyes out and like, Is this supposed to help me? Or like, why am I feeling so lost and broken and miserable after them? Because we never, nothing was ever discussed during the sessions. It was just, oh, how you doing? Oh, you don't have like a Gucci bag and you don't drive a fancy car. So if you guys can split up, it's gonna be okay. No worries. And I could never understand how a guy who has his full family and everything is great. How can he really feel? How I'm feeling in my shoes, I understand. And I have nothing against psychologists but so great. You have the theory, you went to school, and you're supposed to know how everything is gonna roll out. But if you've never been a woman, how do you know how I feel? And the material possessions? Like, have a consequence or no consequence? How are they even part of this picture? And why is that even important or relevant? Why are we not discussing our emotions? Or our issues of how are we dealing with things? You know, something is missing?

Ian Hawkins 6:26

Hmm. I might come back to that question when we talk about the work that you do. Because I'm the same as you nothing. It's psychologists, but what really stood out there is they need to know what they specialize in. Because yeah, like you said, there's you couldn't relate to that person, and they won't give me the right information anyway. So was that after you've given birth your son? Yes, yes. Yeah. So how much further after? Three months? Three months? So what about that those? So at this, this time when it's meant to be so joyful? You've got this new baby boy, but you've having all these other things going on? Like what was that experience? Like, it must have been so difficult? Yes, I was in a sweet,

Unknown Speaker 7:15

physical, emotional pain. Feeling like a monotone, Robert, and not knowing how to continue living, having suicidal thoughts, but knowing that I need I needed for my baby, my baby needs me for milk, and his resource right now. But mentally checked out. Because the place you know how we have, we could have the perfect place, how we grow up, and this is how our life's supposed to be. And if that place is not there, I think I checked out. I mean, I will say in them everything functioning, but I wasn't really being present, like you say, like present in the moment. I was, I think pushing reality back and leaving enough available denial and still hoping that we can, something still can be saved. Meanwhile, sessions with psychologist didn't show that they shown otherwise. Because there was nothing results are ever spoken. And how, like another explanation is you're asleep. And you're like covering the boy trying to pull the blanket over your head and you come home. And he is being pulled away from you little by little as you feel the land is kind of you lose the your footing. Because for surety you lose the surety of your life. You've been part of this family, you knew who you were you were someone else's wife, you're someone else's mom. And you had that statue in life, how you see yourself where you are going, who you are being in now all of that kind of whimsically kind of disappears and you have to discover who you are again.

Ian Hawkins 9:14

Wow. So actually, because you've referenced that a couple of times, it's like, you know, how the ideals of what you thought life was meant to be based on what you'd grown up, having role model to you. And then suddenly having that identity ripped away. is almost like that's the like, yes, there's the grief of of, of loss, but also that that grief of like, Well, who am I now?

Unknown Speaker 9:41

Yes, yeah, as they say, midlife crisis, when in oftentimes we go through life. We have different masks like this is how I am at work. This is how I am at home. This is how I am with friends. And we live with those masks, but then came a point in life where no mask was suitable because now None of them fit anymore. And you kind of asking yourself this question like, What do I want out of life? What's gonna happen now, I have this picture on the ISO, this is where it's gonna go. And there we are, in a million years, I imagined, I'm going to be a single mom, that doesn't ever enter the picture. Because I had an idea that I'm gonna be, it's gonna be a family, a big family, and it's all gonna be happily ever after. But history stay silent, what happens after happily ever after. So that, that kind of it was difficult. Leaving and in the past, I used to cry, talking about that subject. But given how many years have passed, and how much work I've done on myself and reading books and doing the work, I am now able to speak with you. And usually smile on my face, like I'm excited about it, I'm not excited about it. But this is the person who I am I look at things and see a silver lining or a positive lesson from an experience as opposed to because any side, any story, any situation, we always have more than one side. But oftentimes, we only see the one side, our ego side was like kind of standing in front of us and triggering us when we see. Maybe there is another way, maybe there is something else happening that we cannot see right now. Because we are so overcome by our emotions by an anger by a grief or loss, because different people experience different things, how they deal with those things. So sometimes it becomes difficult. And when I was there, I didn't see I only saw that one side that I am a victim when I'm being punished for something that I don't know what, what, what crime have I committed?

Ian Hawkins: 11:56

Yeah, wow. So for the listeners, Irene has done a lot of work in this space. And she's now a coach herself. And she's done a lot of healing work around there. So the awareness she has around this whole thing is going to be far more clear than what most would but for the benefit of the listeners also arena, I want to bring us back to more of what you're experiencing, because that's where we find the gold, right? But also really highlighting that whatever you're going through, it's possible to come out the other side, like you said, to find to find that excitement back in your life and the joy that just disappears that time. So there's a lot to unpack there in that in those early stages that the thing that came to mind was, okay, so you've had this moment with your son, three days before he's born. And before you meet him physically? What's your relationship like with your children? Now as they're older? And what impact do you see from that time on what that relationship was at different times up leading up to now?

Unknown Speaker: 13:11

Not letting children was the best thing that happened out of the whole relationship with my son, I feel he's very compassionate, genuine soul. He in that he will always express housekeys feelings. So you're never in doubt if you're upsetting his feelings. He's very articulate in his emotions, and I didn't teach him that

Ian Hawkins: 13:35

or did he get that when you spoke to him three days before he was born

sorry, keep going.

Unknown Speaker: 13:47

But yeah, and, and this my daughter, I feel she had the brunt of it the most difficult situation because she was an only child for five and a half years. And then when the son was born, that left and I turned more towards my son and she, I think was missing that connection with me. And it's been difficult on her I think that you know,

Ian Hawkins: 14:15

that's actually massive because having gone through my own healing around that, like when when you're a child and you're the center of attention, the youngest and then another child comes in. But I've also know that my eldest has been through that same thing. So that's that's just a grief that older kids experience because of that separation from what they've known. But you pile on top of that the separation from mum as well. Wow, that did you live with once you started to realize this was there was like a lot of guilt that came with with that as well.

Unknown Speaker: 14:56

Yes, yes. There are always They don't give you a manual. When you have kids. And no matter how many books you read, they're not really gonna help you. It's like action. They called, you learn on the job, as they say. As you experience every single situation, and it's been a difficult journey, and sometimes it's hot and cold, we could be having a conversation with them explosion, or five minutes later, like nothing happened. And I think it was difficult on her part as well. First time, she told me that she loves me when she was when she was 10 years old. Wow. Before that was nothing, nothing to that effect. Hmm, wow.

Ian Hawkins: 15:54

Did you know that consciously at the time that she was not saying

Unknown Speaker: 16:02

she wasn't really expressing. She was willing to express it with your feelings and emotions. So when she was 1010 years old, was kind of unexpected. And I remember crying when it happened. Wow. When she was still in my belly, I imagined how maybe it's Hi called part of my fault a little bit, I was imagining, I'm going to have a friend with whom I'm going to cook and have this time together. And as a result, she doesn't have a lot of friends. She's more like I am, I was an introvert. And with my son, I wished for him to have friends to be able to going to be this personable. And he came out like

Ian Hawkins: 16:51

interesting.

If you if you were coaching yourself now. What would you say about what's possible now going forward for you? Despite what's been in the past?

Unknown Speaker: 17:11

Anything is possible, because we create our future from the present moment from being here in the now and back then a lot of what you were talking about what kind of thoughts I have, I forgot to mention the thoughts of always I could have should have would have I was living in the past, I was reliving my story. I was constantly questioning that I make the right decision or what is the right decision? What did they say? How do they feel? What did the other person say? And we always upgrade to the best of our ability with the resources we have available at the moment, we cannot go back and change the past, no matter how hard we try unless we have a time machine. But we can definitely able to change our future. Because our past is just a history a story that we tell ourselves, we can always create a new story. And the most influential voice is the voice that in our in our head that we constantly every day listen to and believe and once we believe then that becomes realized that comes through because our powerful mind magnetizes older situation people emotions and events into our life, what we experience what we think to be true. Yeah. Yeah. So if I was coaching myself, I would say create a better story. Change your story, change your life, your story, your past does not define your future. Anything is possible as long as you believe.

Ian Hawkins: 18:47

So good. So good. I think it was Les Brown, the first time I heard that change, change your story, change your life. And that was like, Ah, how often do we get caught in the story? That the repeating the same conversations again and again and again? It's like no, no, we don't have to do that anymore. We don't have to stay stuck in the drama and the and the water, the water conditioners like you said, That's really powerful or No, thank you for sharing that. So I was I was drawn to what you said there. You said at three months you had this counseling and you said it didn't feel like it helped but also you cried and cried and cried. Now to me. You've just gone through those first three months where you are numb. There, there probably would have been like a lot of therapeutic benefits of going into that space and letting all that emotion out too. Right?

Unknown Speaker: 19:45

Yes, definitely.

Ian Hawkins: 19:49

And do you feel like that was a something that was able to create change or did that not really help you to to do anything differently at that point?

Unknown Speaker: 19:58

I think what create the change Is my realization of I realized that I can no longer live like that, be miserable, be in despair, not have enough energy, be this depleting. Individual, I felt like the best my best self went to work while my kids would get the leftovers. And I didn't want to feel like that anymore. And oftentimes, knowing because of the coaching that I have gone through V gets stuck to the familiar because the familiar is what we know and trust. So any brand new step in the direction of your new life, you could be feel trapped in it, because it's new, therefore unfamiliar, therefore dangerous, and your subconscious was gonna try to stop you. So I think it's making the decision and realisation that however I was living wasn't working, the practices that I had the hypothesis that I had in my life didn't work. And I needed to change something, I didn't know how I'm going to change it. But I kind of I got fed up with the way I was leaving and being and having constant trash I was I would drop off one kid in nursery, another one in school, or kindergarten and rush to get to work. And it was a constant day, rushing all the time. And one day, I missed my train by a minute. And I started crying on the train on the platform and asking myself this question, wherever you're rushing to, to be on all come here to suffer and struggle. Is this what life's all about? Where are we rushing to anyway to on this? What is this great this delay that we always have to be in this rush? That that point kind of was another like a wake up call that from that point, I decided that I needed to change something and bring change into my life?

Ian Hawkins: 21:56

No, that's so powerful. Well, why am I rushing to this place? It brings so much suffering? Well, that's something for people to think about. You said, you said it was kind of you didn't realize at the time, but after the birth of your son and the breakup of your marriage, you said it was like 18 months of depression. So was the moment you described there? Was that what kick started you? Or was there something else that that brought you awareness of the need to change at that? One and a half year mark?

Unknown Speaker: 22:31

Yeah, one and a half year mark standing on the platform, missing my train, and ask myself the question, do we come here to suffer? Brilliant.

Ian Hawkins: 22:52

So many different places we can take this now, Irina. When you talked about? You had this certainty or this surety that you you mentioned around where your life was heading? At what moment? Did you realize that I can create new certainty I can create new surety around what my future looks like was that you talked about rewriting the story. Was there a process that you were taken through by someone? Did you get help to rewrite that story? How did it unfold for you?

Unknown Speaker: 23:26

I think this lesson is over a course of some time and me introducing different practices. So my recovery process, after the break up started with me first taking a walk in the morning and like Tony Robbins has his power hour, spending the first hour of the day setting intention. What I was doing, I was walking around the track race struck and I was visualizing and telling myself how I want my life to be where I want my want my children, what kind of activities I want them to do how I want to be feeling. And believe it or not, some of it already came through. Yeah, I do. But it was a process of me in different habits over time, so first habit was walking in the morning, seeing the sunrise being present when the day's being born and feeling like I didn't miss anything. And work with sounds so simple and so consequential. But for me, it was my first step into direction of my new life. I didn't have a picture of of my path where it's going to go and how I'm going to be but that was the first step that I took was working. And then little by little addressing different needs like physical health. I turned vegetarian. I listen to a PhD professor speaking on the podcast. From a chemical perspective what happens from the practice of digestion and they got so inspired that I decided let me try them. As a result I was 10 pounds, which was not intentional intention was to take care of myself better because there was nobody to take care of me. And then other practices I implemented was learning how to sing getting a voice coach and being able to open up my voice singing what I couldn't speak, joining Toastmasters. Being able to do public speaking and being here with you today. I wasn't an introvert. I wouldn't I wouldn't be talking like like that, like I'm talking now.

Ian Hawkins: 25:34

Yeah, do you do you think now do you think like you were an introvert or more just uh, you just didn't know how to express yourself properly

Unknown Speaker: 25:47

introvert and hiding and not articulating myself often. Growing up I was the quiet child my we lived in an apartment building and neighbors often wondered if my mom had a kid because I was so quiet

Ian Hawkins: 26:03

Wow Yeah, could go

Unknown Speaker: 26:13

yes, so So I would say I was I was an introvert and expressing myself was another trait I didn't have as much vis Toastmasters it allowed me to become comfortable with being uncomfortable and it's been an incredible journey. Yeah, well I actually got the chance to participate in the area competition and won second place in the humorous competition which was unexpected doing other practices then going through Neuro Linguistic Programming experiencing that on myself experiencing the benefits of coaching because as you know, when you go through the certification means you actually go yourself through the process of Can you still hear inner child work and as well as attending various scenarios

Ian Hawkins: 27:36

Can you can you hear me now?

Unknown Speaker: 27:41

Yes, I my screen was frozen a little bit.

Ian Hawkins: 27:47

Yeah, so it actually most of that I didn't hear, which is interesting itself. So we'll edit this bit. I want you to if you can go back to like you just talked about I'm I missed a lot of it. But I got you talked about coaching and NLP and all sort of thing. So. So if you can go back to you got a voice coach, and then all of those different things that you just mentioned, if you could share that part again, and I'll edit it from there.

Unknown Speaker: 28:21

Okay. So asides from voice coaching, and Toastmasters, then going through and doing NLP Neuro Linguistic Programming, work practitioner, Meister, and trainer and going through that those practices as you know, you go through the process yourself, of doing the healing work of inner child and removing negative emotions and limiting decisions. In addition, I'm also was part of Mindvalley. So taking different quests through Mindvalley. I consider myself a learning junkie, learning about myself about the world about how our mind works, and how we interact with one another, allowed for my kind of creative expansion, I guess, in combination with NLP and all the other activities I was doing, to bring awareness to all the different parts of me and realizing that there are so many parts that I didn't know I had. And oftentimes, when we have when we live a life, we never actually, I don't know, examine the life unless we stumble upon some kind of a difficult experience a loss of a loved one or something unexpected happens and then you start looking at your life and evaluating where's my life going? What am I doing? Am I on the right path? You never actually question that we just kind of go to work, the door thing, we come home and then wake up and repeat it again. And then one day you realize you're on retirement, let's say work of my life gone through. What have I done? You don't yet To examine that unless something, unfortunately, something terrible happens, then you start asking, questioning what's going on? Where's it going?

Ian Hawkins: 30:10

Hmm, so true. And what I was thinking, as you were saying that is, I wonder how many signs are there before the big moment comes? Because to me, you mentioned early on about that midlife crisis concept. I wonder how many of those thoughts were already happening are already happening, we're already having these thoughts about and I want things to be different. And then that big event comes and it confirms. So for maybe for the people who maybe think they haven't had that big event, or they're finding a way to get motivated. It's like, well, what, what is life already showing you? What are you already seeing how you want life to be different? And what are you not doing towards that because, you know, all the things you just described, then there was the experience for me as well. I'm learning all these different modalities and tools that I can help people with. But the real journey was where as I was learning them, and as I was learning how to implement I was actually going through my own healing journey. To me, that's the greatest gift of of learning to help other people is what it gives you. Is that was that the experience for you is like, like, suddenly you're just having these breakthroughs quicker because you had that intention to help.

Unknown Speaker: 31:22

Yes, yeah. I think the best part is when you get to experience it yourself. And sometimes the integration process could take some time, like learning NLP tools when you brand new intuitive come into it. It's how you see things and you might realize a year later, oh, I learned there because he start verbalizing it or thinking or thinking like, oh, wow, no, no, no, wait.

Ian Hawkins: 31:53

Yeah. Okay, so, while we're talking about Neuro Linguistic Programming, I am, so your English is really good.

Unknown Speaker: 32:09

I still have an accent. But yes,

Ian Hawkins: 32:11

yeah, of course. And you know, the accent and accent right? Of course, you can add that that's pretty normal sort of thing. But you've learned how to help people to create new story and new language. But how did you go learning a whole new language? Or did you grow up learning English? Or how did that unfold?

Unknown Speaker: 32:35

I always loved foreign languages. I was growing up, we had Russian as a main language we had Uzbek is the country was the official language of the country I was in. And I was also learning English. And first one coming to America, I actually had the mental block, I would understand what people tell me. But I could not immediately reply, like I have an answer in my head. But I've got to come out with some kind of a blog. And then, as I, when I came to this country, I was actually teaching myself Spanish, I was so fascinated by it. And then I went to college, I took it as an elective. And I actually passed my Spanish with flying colors, and they thought I was majoring in it before it was passed my English exam. Which was like, very interesting. Yeah. And then the last semester of college, I also took French and now I'm learning French and Duolingo, 15 minutes every day, I think it keeps your mind fresh and organized. And I just love foreign languages have this affinity towards it, and also singing in different languages as well. I think. I think it makes life more interesting as you learn things and languages and cultures.

Ian Hawkins: 33:51

So you mentioned that you feel like you might have had a block there. Do you attribute that to anything? Like did you so did you choose to move? What What was the from where you grew up in as Becca? Stan, what was the journey then to where you are now?

Unknown Speaker: 34:09

Well, I came here when I was in the United States when I was 17. And parents everybody was moving so I came along as a child where I was and he called I think it's an experience because you when you learn the language if you don't in the framework of a classroom of course you can talk and it's easy I'm here, you finally faced is real world. Now show me what you got. takes a while for you to kind of assimilate or absorb that the all the knowledge that you possess and being able to express it and articulate it in a way that is understood and clear and concise, because oftentimes when you have a different your first language you think in your first language when you translate And then they have to kind of and as you learn more languages, you might find yourself you have this vocabulary thing going on with different language.

Ian Hawkins: 35:11

I can't, I can't even comprehend I have enough trouble with English. So I'm not surprised there's a block there, right? Like you come into this new country. And like you said, the expectation is that you assimilate. And then you've got that challenge of of trying to learn a new language and then processing other learning languages. And so was it then difficult to make new friends then when you came into the US?

Unknown Speaker: 35:44

Not really, it was actually interesting. And it's not that the language was difficult, it wasn't really difficult. It was interesting, because I didn't pass the English exam as entrance s into college. And I didn't pass it by mere fact of a structure. Because an English language, they like to structure everything. And well, at least this was the acceptance, and you're supposed to say what you're gonna say right in the first sentence, and then you have three points, and then they open up three points, and then you do a conclusion. In Russian, you wouldn't write like that you wouldn't Tice your reader to be inspired to keep on reading, you kind of hook them in and you unfold the story as you write, and this is how I was writing. But that was not acceptable. And that's the part I didn't pass. And then I was enrolled into ESL for about a year. And the interesting part was we had 10 Russian students. And there was one Indian, and we had the Greek teacher. So everybody was learning Russian, not English, in that asset class. Yeah. And I'm on for about a year. And on a summer there was an intensive where we had to write three essays per day, I became so good at it, they told me I should write for New York Times. Because because of the practice now, it's not the big rain, J gigantic things you do, but it's those micro things, those 10 minute spurts, and if you repeat them every day, you might see so much more improvement. Because oftentimes, we see like somebody's overnight sensation, but we don't see the hard work that went in behind the scenes on a day to day basis.

Ian Hawkins: 37:27

So true. So true. The, the the way you describe that

have completely lost my train of thought there. I've got a good edit point in this one now.

Goodness, what are you talking about? Language? Oh, that's what I was gonna say. stallion. What do you say they're around how the structure for how Russian? You learn to write in Russian. That's how I like to write. And to me, that's what engages people. And unsurprisingly, it sounds like the US system and the Australian system is similar. It almost sounds like it takes us away from something that works and then create some structure that is actually keeps us stuck. Like, we want to be inspired. Of course, yes. Let's start with the inspiration. I love that. So too, do you still bring that element into your writing now?

Unknown Speaker: 38:46

Definitely, of course, I discovered this, I call it I finished it for writing this year as I published two books sold parent in April and then not sold parent sacred surrender. Then revolutionary leaders in July and now. Next Friday, December nine soul farms book launches. And it's been an incredible journey of uncovering and I think writing is so therapeutic putting your thoughts on paper, you might not realize how how many stories we often think oh, we have nothing to write about. But there are so many stories that we all possess and sometimes it's not your college degree but your life experience that is not documented anywhere and you get to share your message. Your lessons and sometimes what's it took you 20 years experience. You could let the reader know in the matter of a chapter or in a matter of 10 paragraphs they can learn the whole story and lessons learned and things experience.

Ian Hawkins: 39:55

Much much like podcast right it's it's healing for the people going through For a word like for both of us here, and then also for the listener in the book, it's the same, it's a therapeutic process in yourself to get your story out, to have the courage to tell it and then and then share it. And then it's also there's a transformation element for the reader as they can relate to all the all those different elements that that you shared as well. So is that of all of the mediums that you have? Is does that is writing your favorite then

Unknown Speaker: 40:31

podcasting? Writing? Yes, speaking. All of them to communication,

Ian Hawkins: 40:39

communication, singing? Okay, so, of all of those elements of community communication? Is there one that lights you up more than the others? Singing? Singing? Okay. Tell me more about that. Like, what is it? What is the joy? Why is it so joyful? The singing.

Unknown Speaker: 41:05

I think it opens up something inside, because in the moment, when you sing, you become present, you're not somewhere else, you're right there in the sun viewer, let them come through you, you let them it's not just you opening your mouth, but you're actually feeling the words and the music and the lyrics and how it's flowing. And you can imagine yourself being somewhere else being a different person creating a different story. In the moment of a song. I love it, that lights you up with can lift up your spirits in an instant, in a matter of a minute. You don't even need anything, just listen to a song or sing it and experience all the amazing endorphins into your bloodstream as you start doing the thing you love most.

Ian Hawkins: 41:57

Yes, so good presence, tap into the feeling the flow, and then you are transformed by the music. Wow. That's a great, great metaphor for life as well, the more you can bring those four things in, the better life will become. So how does singing then come into your coaching? Or does it come into your coaching?

Unknown Speaker: 42:26

Not yet. To combine it in the future, I have the great dream, my vision of creating Reclaim Your Life Center where people who lost hope and life can come and rejuvenate themselves and work with different practitioners. Like they need work with their emotions or lose weight or quit smoking or in addition having habits on site. So maybe having a karate place or an art studio to discover their talents. Because oftentimes we neglect habits with we think they're for kids. But even though we are adults, we still have that little inner five year old, we still have the dreams that are waiting for us to be experienced and felt and we often neglect them. Because we are now serious adults, we have bills to pay and things to do.

Ian Hawkins: 43:26

Yeah. So true. I feel that that singing elements going to be a really key part of, of what you offer, and how you described, it just confirmed what I felt in my body is like it's therapy, it's therapy for the soul. Like I know that for me, that's that's the impact music has but then inviting people into a space where they can then bring in their own expression of that as well. And as you've described in whichever language Yeah, so that's a whole like physical building like a center is that what you were describing there?

Unknown Speaker: 44:08

Yes, that center with different alternative practitioners and having hobbies on site. So whether it's singing an art studio, and a coffee shop, where people can create their creations and then share them and the idea is for them and also the next element is the grow so part of Reclaim Your Life, which is the company I created, leave the room and grow. So the Grow part is personal development, continuous evolution. So having those personal development spaces to develop your soul with the idea that after you come out of the center, you go fine after your dreams. You become you gain gain back your hope for life and go after your dream, whatever that is because we don't want to make the cemetery the richest place on Earth. So we want to make our dreams realize whether it's next cancer research or some kind of a breakthrough. Some crazy idea we think we have.

Ian Hawkins: 45:10

Yeah, yeah. And as you rightly described, so often, we lose touch with those things that we always wanted to do when we're younger. And it's been true for the people that I've coached as well is bringing back those activities that bring us joy, the childlike Joy more play, not not because it has to have an outcome not because it has to be improved, just because of what it is and what it brings to us. Or, yeah, I would highly endorse a center like that. I love it, Irina. We talked before about psychologists and I'm with you, I've I've had my children, I've seen psychologists, I've got great friends who are very good at what they do. And at the same time, I've also had people like you described who have have been to a psychologist and, and they've talked about different things, but they've not necessarily got into what they need to get into. And when you were talking, what dawned on me is like, it's it's not psychologists, that are the problem, not that I'd ever thought they were the problem. But it's, it's having clarity on who it is that you help close, if there's not an alignment there. If you're not sure what it is, like you said, if it's not from personal experience, then there's not going to be the right fit. And you're not going to get the results as you as you experience, right. So through that lens, from your own experience, how are you now helping people like you were in that particular stage of your life? How do you help them from your own experience through all of those different things that you've learned when they come to you, and they and they are a single parent that now wants to make change.

Unknown Speaker: 47:09

So we created something called happiness Academy, which combines four states of being physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. And it's creating systems and habits in your life that habits that sustain instant instead of pull your way and the reason why I started with the physical because it's something so eternal. For us, we see it every day in the mirror. And when we get our physical things in check, so our nutrition or wellness how much we sleep, how well we sleep, how much you rest the body, then, so that when we fix that, or not fix but improve if something is missing, then we move on to the emotional state and we work on how we see our past or history that we're not a victim of our circumstances, but what lessons could we learn and then implementing practices of meditation, gratitude and forgiveness, because of the daily habits that will just like we brush our teeth every day, we want to have good oral hygiene, all those practices of meditation is having clarity of your mind. And forgiveness is like driving a heavy bag of any graduates that you have on an on a given day. If you have a bad conversation and you go back you go to sleep, is that still ringing in your mind? What kind of day are you going to create the next morning the same miserable day because you still gonna remember that? What if we create a practice of daily forgiveness before we go to bed and gratitude even in the midst of despair there are always things to be grateful for they're always things that are working and it's always easy once we pick a thing that's working with suddenly remember a second or third or fourth thing that is working because we are directing our attention to that particular thing and our mind is so focused as a shoreland wants to prove us right is going to bring us more of similar qualities to remember and then we concentrate on our mental health in dealing with any things that is holding us back so in integrate NLP as well as personal experience in how to create change and then self love component is so important oftentimes growing up we think it's being selfish, but we do need to be selfish if we want to bring the best version of us into the world the kind of that shows up for our kids for our co workers or bosses and people around us if we forgot to take care of ourselves. What kind of raging lunatic is gonna come out so we work with work on those things, how to implement self love practices into your day to day living in them, discovering your hobby, I think habits are important. And as part of my journey, I learned singing and public speaking and like, painting or painting was always my hobby, and kind of remembering got more into it. And dancing, Argentine Tango, those were all the different copies that I created that kind of started developing different parts of me. And through that I was able to form different circle of friends. Because it's important who we surround ourselves with, if we surround ourselves with people who pull us down, chances are we're gonna soon become like them. So surround yourself with people who see the birth better version of you, who can lift you up and support you. So through that, I was able to form those circles. And then I had a personal development circle for people who love that stuff. So I was able to form all those kind of little communities that allowed me to experience different components of myself through the process. So that's what I encourage and help people do and then finding their gift, whatever the gift it is that they have, and then sharing it with the world. It could be nothing for them, but it could be a great deal for someone else. So waiting for this, like Maslow's hierarchy of needs. When you fulfill your earthly desires, your possessions, your physical, mental and emotional health. They have that self actualization right on top of it and being able to see how can I serve? What can I do better? And sometimes, when when we, in our own life, when we sit, we think we are in a bad situation? What if we help somebody else, we suddenly start feeling like we are good enough, like we do matter. And I think it's an important practice to have.

Ian Hawkins: 51:44

Yes, so good. And that's it similar journeys that I take people on, mainly because they're foundational things of life, right, which, which have kind of been lost in the like you described earlier, the busyness and they're getting our priorities wrong in the, in the grief that's impacted us from these different moments in our life. But coming back to those, those foundation that brought us joy that brought us health that brought us well being that bought us connection. Yeah, so powerful. And and specifically, you're you're working with, from your own experience, not just anyone but but people who are wanting to reclaim their life after separation, right. And if you and there's you've got so many great stories on your podcast about people who've been able to do that as well. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker: 52:34

Yes, yes. podcast has been a great learning experience, to have listening and learning so many things I learned for myself as well by speaking to so many people from different walks of life. So my new golden nuggets. And I understand we're all different, but we all bring our own perspective. And we could take the good things, and kind of wisdom forward in life.

Ian Hawkins: 53:03

Yeah, so true. You mentioned one other thing before we jumped on to record was, you also lost your first baby? Are you okay? If we talk about that as well? Yes. So was that early in the pregnancy?

Unknown Speaker: 53:23

This was nice. 19 weeks.

Ian Hawkins: 53:26

And, like, how did that unfold? What was the impact for you like, well,

Unknown Speaker: 53:33

brokenness, feeling like I cannot produce a good baby, what's wrong with me?

Unknown Speaker: 53:40

Feeling deficient in a way and blaming myself? What did I do wrong? I flew on an airplane. And I was thinking maybe something happened in the airplane.

Unknown Speaker: 53:57

There was a high cold a left hand was missing from the baby and he had the Spina Bifida it's when the neuron column is not connected. Is that that's what they said and I believe them the doctors when they did their tests in you know, they poke you during pregnancy. Like up Turkey picks up different tests based on the other thing and you believe them and then you you decide to end the pregnancy and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. It was a very devastating practice not so much physically but what happens to you emotionally? How you know, you're reeling from that the liquid is like part of you is gone and you feel like something is wrong. Click you deficient in some way that feeling like there was a punishment? You can? Yeah. First time.

Ian Hawkins: 55:10

Yeah. You mentioned that in the next time as well. And I think all those that range of emotion that you described, I think it's common for a lot of people is like, particularly if there's a medical element where you go, Oh, well, I just believed all of that, like, but was that true? Like all of all of that questioning and doubt and the all normal parts of it. So yeah, thank you for, for shining a light on that. Because that will be something that many will relate to particularly, like, I look at my own journey. That was something I faced when my dad passed away. And the doctors had a conversation with us around, you know, this is what's going on. And but of course, there's still part of you that like, well, but what if?

So how, if that was like, How long before you had your daughter was that time?

Unknown Speaker: 56:04

I believe it was, there was two years. My daughter was born in 2009. And baby was lost in 2007. So there was two years in between?

Ian Hawkins: 56:18

Did you feel like that, that losing your child there actually created strain on the marriage? Or was there already strain there or, or this point, you are oblivious to having any impact.

Unknown Speaker: 56:35

Looking back as like thinking was the sign that I shouldn't be having babies with this particular individual, and not listening to warning bells. There wasn't strain yet, but there was I think they choose to dismiss we always have the warning bells in our head. And we choose to see was this worth fighting for. And as I was, like, through my grow, growing up experience, I wasn't very expressive, I would rather keep the peace. And when we keep the peace, for the sake of, of peace, we lose ourselves in the process, because we lose our values, we lose our beliefs, we did not recognize who we are anymore. And I think that what happened to me as I had my loss of identity, because I wasn't as expressive nature to dismiss certain things which I shouldn't be dismissing.

Ian Hawkins: 57:42

Usually, we look back in hindsight and see those things. It's not until we know, and I think the important part from that is, like, what, from what you were saying is like, we were Yeah, we don't see it when we're in the middle of it. And so there's no point, then judging ourselves, what about what we think we should have? Or could have or would have done? It's like, no, no, at that time, we just did the best to manage our grief the best that we could. I really, I really like what you said, were you were you looking back in hindsight, it's like, oh, well, was that actually the warning signs already at that point. And, you know, if we, it's easy to look back and see in hindsight and join the dots. And really, that's the only way, it doesn't matter. That doesn't mean that we can't then be proactive about where we're heading and actually create some, some dots to work towards in the future. Right. So creating that future vision is that is that part of the coaching that you do for people as well?

Unknown Speaker: 58:45

Definitely, yes, creating a story and then leaving that story. Reciting that story. There's so many great books I recently, last year, I read the ultimate coach, the Steven Hardison, and he encourages creating a document. And it's about who you are being, I don't know if you read or heard about it, but it's who you are being every single moment of the day. So you kind of create your commitment letter or your letter who you are. And this is how you see yourself. Like I am pure love, or I and you'll you write a series of statements in the morning and at night, you remind yourself you know, because we have so many years of programming to undo how we were growing up. I think this is a good installation when you to practice to remember who you want to be in life. How do we want to show up for our spouse, for our children for ourselves? How do we want to be like if something angers us, who do we want to be in that moment instead of simply reacting?

Ian Hawkins: 59:53

And it's something you mentioned really early your own around that identity piece that really if we want to breaking everything we do as a coach down to that smallest piece. It's it's that right? It's like Who Who are we who do we want to be? We get caught up in on what we want to have and what we want to do with our life. But but it's that. And so I haven't learned that it's a process that you described there. But I really love that making that something you read before bed because that's where we do the best programming, right? This is who I want to be. And that's something that I take clients through around, helping them to see who they are beyond just what they think. But actually, like, I don't know, if you've done this activity, but you ask people that you know that to say, well, what is it about me that that you love? And you start hearing things that you'd forgotten? Or that maybe you feel a little bit uncomfortable receiving? But then when you sit with them, you realize? Yeah, wow, when people ask me, like, introduce ourselves, we usually talk about our work. But that's not who we are. It's the things that you talked about, then it's like who we are is, is that those, those parts of us that are that are so joyful and positive. And he has the ability to help other people through that transformation process. So thank you for sharing that process. I read. I really love that. And if anyone's listening and thinking about it, then yeah, there's a recommendation for the book, but even just a basic level to take that on themselves and write that, who do you want to be? It's such a powerful exercise.

Unknown Speaker: 1:01:37

Yes. Because every moment of every day, it's not what we do. It's who we are being and from being comes to doing but growing up with what's doing that mattered more. So it's difficult to refer a kind of rewire yourself and even when you feel station, what do they say, You got to be before you get it, you got to beat yourself. Another great book I read is, tell yourself better lies by Marissa Pierre. Because we constantly tell ourselves lies, what if we tell an empowering lie that in the beginning, yes, it is not true, but it's beneficial for you, and then you believe it. And the great exercise, writing on the mirror, I am i Enough, three little words, and reminding yourself in the morning and that night, the three simple things. And then the beginning it feels uncomfortable, but over time, it becomes natural, and you start to appreciate yourself, for all the good, the bad, and the ugly, because we all have all kinds of parts of ourselves and our own executioner in our own judge all wrapped into one.

Ian Hawkins: 1:02:51

So true. When when you were talking about that, that statement of I am a NASA, it made me think of what you were talking about before is when you when you in those moments of grief when you start to question all those different things. Really they're just more evidence that we're creating in our head where we're not enough. Yes. Whereas if we just realize that we are in every given moment and that's not life's not about trying to pick to pick apart what you could have done better. It's just coming to that realization. Yeah, you mentioned something at the start, which we kind of shifted away from but you mentioned how well this moment in your life was such a negative but it also ended up becoming the most positive. So tell me a little bit about the positive things that have come into your life as a result of having gone through all of these different these different moments of grief.

Unknown Speaker: 1:03:53

I rediscovered who I am I discovered pieces of myself I didn't know I had I became an extrovert I discovered my voice I was able to share my story. I became a writer which there was not a good but here I am. I created the podcast without having no prior knowledge so ability ability to create things from our from nothing but with having an idea and then having people believe in that idea and going with it even if it might feel crazy in your head. But if enough people believe in it and if you have supporters than anything is possible so I think it's the realization that breakup or divorce doesn't have to be the end it could be the wake up call to finally live your life how you imagine that to live. You don't have to succumb we always in any situation we can either any struggle we can either succumb and give up on we can raise up like a phoenix and embrace our challenges and persevere, go through them and discover there is something beautiful is possible on the other end. But it's all a matter of our beliefs and the stories we tell ourselves. But nothing is impossible, anything can be changed, you just need to make a decision. And oftentimes the decision is the difficult part. Because as I mentioned earlier, our subconscious mind likes to keep us safe. And anything new is considered unsafe and dangerous. And just like learning a new habit, if you're trying to lose weight, oftentimes, we find that difficult, you know, you have to go to the gym. But getting yourself there is another story. So we got to break it down, chunk it down into small, tiny steps. Another great book is atomic habits by James clear that helps do that, by dissecting our goal into small manageable chunks and making the uncomfortable comfortable to make our subconscious mind familiar with an activity. So Tying shoelaces before even talking about going to the gym, just tie your shoelaces every day, and then lets you get through it them as additional microstep on top. And this is how we can kind of embrace change and move forwards slowly. But it's in the tiny increments that the most change occurs.

Ian Hawkins: 1:06:25

That atomic habits book is something that I've heard a lot of people talk about, so well worth it. listeners out there to, to checking that one out. This just came to me and it's not a question that that I think I've asked before but it must be important for you. Is there someone from your past that you'd love to give a shout out to who really was so influential and supportive at a time when you most needed it through this journey.

Unknown Speaker: 1:06:56

My mom, my mom will was with me through this journey and helped me with my kids and raise them and be there physically for them and emotionally. So I want to thank my mom for being there.

Ian Hawkins: 1:07:11

I love that. So great. Make sure make sure you play this part to her when you He will. She must be so proud of the woman that you've become today. And then the mother you've become what a word. Is there a better gift than then being the best version of ourselves. Is there a better best gift to give back to our to our mum than?

Unknown Speaker: 1:07:36

Yes, yeah. Sometimes it takes time.

Ian Hawkins: 1:07:40

Yeah, true, very true. Irena where can people find out more about you what you do and if they feel called to come and do some work with you.

Unknown Speaker: 1:07:51

For my website there's a Rena shots of that calm. And my YouTube channel is happiness Academy on Instagram I am read that claim your life podcast, the single parent success stories and you can hear it to where you hear. Listen to your favorite podcast shows on Apple, Spotify, and so on. Facebook, LinkedIn, tic tac, also Reclaim Your Life and LinkedIn is my name, Irina. Sure.

Ian Hawkins: 1:08:22

Excellent. Well, thank you for sharing your story. Irina so much power in the impact you're having in the world. And I appreciate the the time that we've spent today. Thank you. Thank you.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Grief Code podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Please share it with a friend or family member that you know would benefit from hearing it too. If you are truly ready to heal your unresolved or unknown grief. Let's chat. Email me at info at Ian Hawkins coaching.com You can also stay connected with me by joining the Grief Code community at Ian Hawkins coaching.com forward slash The Grief Code and remember, so that I can help even more people to heal. Please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform