Ian Hawkins 0:02
Are you ready, ready to release internal pain to find confidence, clarity and direction for your future, to live a life of meaning, fulfillment and contribution to trust your intuition again, but something's been holding you back, you've come to the right place. Welcome. I'm a Ian Hawkins, the host and founder of The Grief Code podcast. Together, let's heal your unresolved or unknown grief by unlocking your grief code. As you tune into each episode, you will receive insight into your own grief, how to eliminate it, and what to do next. Before we start by one request, if any new insights or awareness land with you during this episode, please send me an email at info at the and Hawkins coaching.com. And let me know what you found. I know the power of this work, I love to hear the impact these conversations have. Okay, let's get into it.
There are no naughty kids. There are just young people not having needs met. Just like there are no adults who are naughty or deliberately setting out to make your life miserable. There's just a whole lot of adults who aren't having needs met. And the longer people have gone without having needs met, the greater the extent they will go to to have them met. Because nobody does anything. Without the belief that it will have them feel better. Even those people that carry out the most horrific crimes. They're doing it driven by the feeling that will give them a better feeling. Whether it's relief, whether it's a rash, or whatever it is. And yes, there are some people that have undergone extreme trauma in their life. And so the concept of what is good and what is real is is way off the charts. And yes, I'm also aware that there are certain behavior types that perhaps are completely immune to this concept. But generally speaking, and the vast majority of people, it's the people that you're dealing with an everyday basis. They're not deliberately trying to make your life miserable. So we bring it back to your current situation. Again, it's a curiosity that I talk about regularly, where are your note needs not being met? And the people in your world, whether it be partner, children, parents, siblings, friends, work colleagues. That acting in a way that is frustrating to you, or causing you concern or causing you any sort of drama? What needs aren't being met? That's a question to ask. So Tony Robbins talks about the six main human needs. There's significance, connection, certainty, variety, growth and contribution. Now, growth and contribution is very much that purpose driven side of us the the, what, what the tool that I use for my clients, they call it the spirit energy. That's the part of us, it's our why it's our, it's the important fuel for our life, to be able to feel like we are growing, and that we are contributing. It's one of the greatest motivators. I've been reading a book recently, and it was talking about all the different ways we're motivated, but the greatest is to have a sense that we're transforming the web being a different person. Now, ultimately, I think that that transformation should always be to be the best version of yourself to be returning to who you once wore, or maybe to a better version of that, to who you once were maybe back to the moment you were born to, to that purest version of you. But even then, thinking about that is like there are certain traumas that happened grief that happens throughout the your time, in the womb as well. So there's more depth to that even. But ultimately, yes, that that transformation is about trying to be the best version of yourself. So those are those are those two needs that I've already talked about growth and contribution, but Are the other four?
Well, it tends to be dependent on your natural way of being. And let me explain for the big picture thinkers, the people who are always coming up with ideas with innovations that has constantly come up with different stuff like that, in a way they, if that's you, you may think, Well, yeah, that's been me, it's actually been to my detriment, you may even see it as a negative, you may have even been self diagnosed or diagnosed by other people as ADHD, but but really, it's just your gift is in the big picture thinking the creation of new concepts and ideas, the greatest need there for that sort of person is significance. And significance means that having an outlet for their creativity for those ideas for his concept to be fair to be recognized for them. Now, the, the opposite of that big picture, thinking is more of that grounded thinking more of that, not necessarily seeing the world from that bigger picture and lots of ideas, but more be able to bounce off different ideas be more sensory and connected and Asri grounded, more of that nurturing sort of personality, more of that, sensitive to emotions more, or maybe even customer service type roles, the sort of person that like, yeah, really connected to people's, how people feel rather than being about what things look like, and the different concepts and, and the greatest need for those people is connection. They love to make people feel good, and they love to have that reciprocated, to have other people to have them feel good to buy that real sense of a deeper connection than than just having someone in your space. Now we get to the other two, the variety and certainty. And I also say that everyone has all of these needs all six of them, but there's some people will have a greater need for each of the other. So for some people variety, they just need to be doing things differently all the time, that's tends to be more of the extroverted character, the people that get energized by being in a crowd really get filled up by by connecting with people at team environment, being able to do different things, and that's very much where I sit and, and if I'm doing the same thing for too long, I will get burnt out and honestly bored. And there's the real, those who have the real need for certainty, that tends to be the more introverted person to the person that happily energized by being in their own time and space, it doesn't mean that introvert doesn't mean that you can't be social, it just means that you will get drained by spending too much time in that space of of more than just your own company, and you're getting recharged on your own. And that certainty becomes usually from a greater tendency towards the detail of things and the systems and how things work. They're the sort of people in your life that maybe, you know, if you say I will, we'll meet here and then more sort of make it up as we go. And they might attend to ask you more direct questions like, but then where and what time and they want, they want more of that detail, they will know that certainty. Now, if you think about when you're growing up, you're gonna have parents who have completely different natural strengths to each other, all that rare, isn't there, they're exactly the same. You're gonna have siblings that have different natural strengths. And then you're all trying to help each other or coexist in a way that like thinking through your own lens of all I know, I like this. So I'll do this. And anyone who has done any of the work around the different love languages, you'll you'll know that there are different ways that people receive love, like, there's no point, doing an act of service to someone if they're greater love languages is physical touch, or if they're greater love languages receiving gifts. So it's you grow up in this world where, where everyone has these different needs and not fully understanding each other's needs and and then how do we get our needs met? Well, often, it's as a child, it's something that's identified as naughty. So for me, I needed more of that emotion, emotional connection. And I needed more attention through that concept of connection, and variety. So my default was, if I didn't get attention, I knew if I picked the fight, I'd get attention. And so I have an emotional reaction that would get me attention. So that need would have been a real pain in the ass for my parents, honestly. Like why why is this child acting like that? But for me, it was because there was a need that needed to be met.
Now, similar to when you think about your own parents when you're growing up, and you think, why why did they not see that? Why do they act in that certain way? Well, same things not having needs met. So, if you look at those, those different six needs that I talked about, and think about your own life, and what what is what are the predominant needs for you? Where do you get fuel the best? Where do you feel the most content? Which of those needs because it'll be a combination more than likely, you may be identified with one that's going to be stronger. And again, for me, it's variety that's that's my strongest needs. Why? Like my my way to recharge is very much in like an adventure type thing I love to go exploring and just looking at how other different things in a physical world but also in the researching different ideas and concepts as well. Everything about what is the need that that is most needed for you. And then the different people in your world? Like what? Where are you having a disconnect with people? what possibly could you look at as a way of meeting your needs? So if you think about someone in your life that maybe is particularly creative, and they're always coming up with if they're producing these amazing things, and you get a bit tired of actually, yeah, great, that's great lead, like, thinking of my daughter, for example, when she was younger, she was just performer and she's always wanting to, for us to give her that significance for the performance and, and the poor child for the longest time at her children on the opposite side of the spectrum not getting that not fully appreciated. But once we did it, it was a real light bulb moment. So you having to think about the people in your world and how you could look at what needs they might need, might need to be met. Because the more we can meet the needs of the people in our world, the more we can move past the grief move past the things that are keeping us stuck, create more of that togetherness and a feeling like we're all in this together and we belong in the all of the different family and team units that we exist in in our world.
I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Grief Code podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Please share it with a friend or family member that you know would benefit from hearing it too. If you are truly ready to heal your unresolved or unknown grief, let's chat. Email me at info at Ian Hawkins coaching.com You can also stay connected with me by joining the Grief Code community at Ian Hawkins coaching.com forward slash The Grief Code and remember, so that I can help even more people to heal. Please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform.